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Hi Davis I am so sorry to hear of your losses. It must be very hard, for both of you. We have just completed the assessment and been approved. My thoughts are this: It's a really thorough process, looking at all aspects of your lives, and backgrounds. Essentially, they are looking to find out about your strengths and potential weaknesses. So, why not be very honest with yourselves, and sit down and think through what you think they are. Think of any potential problems you see ahead and then think how you might over come those issues to get ready for an adoptive child. Your very sad loss will certainly not be used against you. It will need to be discussed at some length and you will need to demonstrate that you have both grieved sufficiently and given yourselves time and space prior to starting the process. If the SW is happy you have done this, it will be seen as a strength , that you have managed to get through these events. Likewise your background that you touch upon. We all have pasts. Look at the positives. You have a successful relationship and positive outlook, despite a poor upbringing . ( possibly very useful in empathising with an adoptive child) You are not too young Don't worry about contraception. Easily discussed nearer the time. There is nothing to stop you potentially adopting a sibling group who are young. So, the problem area for me from your post was your husband not feeling he is ready. And your two miscarriages you have recently suffered. My advice would be to take some more time ( agonising as it is to hear sometimes) and make sure that you are BOTH 100% up for adoption. That you are both SURE that you don't want to continue to try for another birth child. Once you are sure, you need real time to come to terms with what that means.... It's tough to truly accept. Use this time to read some ( loads!) of books about adoption and the kids you are likely to adopt. By putting in this time now and really starting on the right positive footing you will be in the best place to offer a home to these kids, and therefore more likely to be approved. Don't rush into this strange world of adoption, make sure it's what you really really want. Whatever you decide I wish you both the very best of luck.

Hi Davis.......really sorry to hear about your losses - hard isnt it.. Think Goat has given you really good advice.... I was in a similar 'place' to where you are now a few years ago - well about 7 yrs now!!! Following our 4th failed IVF I was so desperate for a family and was convinced adoption was right for me...hubby less sure but we investigated and applied with 2 LA's...the 2nd becasue we didnt like what the 1st told us about waiting, grieving longer, preparing more etc.... In the end it was only the birth of a niece that made me realise I wasnt ready for adoption - I was doing it for the wrong reasons; what I mean is, it was all about MY need to be a mum and have a family, not about providing a family for a child, my expectation that a child would fit the mould I wanted it to and we'd all live happy ever after....!!! In the end we had another 2 IVFs - both failed at various stages - by which point Id just reached a different place emotionally......I never ever thought I would be able to put it 'to bed' not having my own children, but eventually I did....but it took a lot longer than I thought; now, you dont know me, but Im the most practical and logical person I know (!!), yet I used to go throguh various stages of being absolutey over it, to actually just hiding it really well.....the old cliche about 'time being a healer' was true in my case...but I couldnt see at the time that I wasnt different to any other woman grieving the loss of never having my own children.. In the end, Im glad we didnt adopt when we first applied - for us, it would have been for the wrong reasons at that time.....now, Im at peace with our losses, my hubby is now doing it for the right reasons (and not because he just wanted me to be happy & he just wanted a family by any means)...now we know its the best thing we are doing...but its taken a long time to grieve never having a birth child....and sometimes even now, as resigned as I am, it still causes me moments of sadness which have resurfaced during HS and the matching process......people tell you about it, but its really really hard when dealing with BM's who had 'choices' when all I ever wanted to be was mum and had 'no choice'....its hard discussing the effects of our losses on our relationships around us and the impacts on family members...as I said, I was well reconciled to our not having BC, but even so, its sometimes still hard when dealing with these stages of adoption. Im not saying NOT to go ahead.....but just maybe give yourself more time exploring before you get onto another 'hamster wheel'.... Best of luck with whatever you decide :) xx

Hi thanks everyone for your replies I have already learnt alot I didnt know. Your right about my husbands reservations and I think we need to really talk it through alot more. I dont want to start the process until next March so it has been a year since our daughter passed anyway so we still have 5 months. I think also reading some books might help us to really understand things better. Can anyone recommend any? I have had counselling twice in my life- once at university to 'deal' with my childhood and also again after my daughter passed which helped me to being to deal with that and also we covered my childhood again perhaps i should look into having some more. I also go to monthly SANDS (still birth and neonatal death) meetings which is a form of councilling but Im not sure whether that is a good or bad thing for adoption. With childcare experience my husband has an awful lot he is the leader for the local beavers group and has been doing that for 8 years and also he works with disabled children in his spare time doing water sports (canoeing ect). My expereince is a bit more limited i suppose. I go to help him at the beavers group if i can but it is not always possible and I used to work in a childs nursery age range of 5-10 for 8 years but i stopped that 2 years ago when i graduated university. Where does everyone else get their experience from? Thank you x

It sounds like you both have a huge amount to offer when you reach the decision that you are both ready. It must have been a horrible year for you, so I agree with the advice not to rush - especially with the new speeded up process. My AD six months in is amazing and has settled really quickly, but it is still so tough. I have to take all of her emotions on board as well as my own feelings about her and her past - I think it's really important to be totally emotionally ready when you start the process to be fair to a child/ children. I don't think it would be unrealistic to adopt a sibling group at all, but that's not a decision you need to make now - your social worker will help you work through all of that in a huge amount of detail. In terms of preparing, childcare experience is always good. How about friends' children - going out for the day or even overnight? Definitely do lots of reading - you should find some good suggestions in the resources section, or your LA should have a reading list if you explain to them why you want it.

The only thing that jumps out to me is oh and you don't seem to be on the same page which is important Sw will not allow you to go ahead unless you both want it jam afraid

Thanks for telling me your experience kstar its good to know. Unfortunately we are the only ones in our family and friends who have children so no luck getting experience their. I wonder about looking into voluntary events which are for children i.e sure start events ect

HI Davis....try your local SureSTart centre - I volunteered there for several months as did DH......hes a scout leader also but it was his childcare experience with a variety of children from different backgrounds at Surestart - and more relevant to the age groups we were applying for - that helped us more. RE: Books etc.....I read a lit opf self help books - what I found was Id dip into diffrent ones and took what I needed at different stages which helped me work through lots of different stages & feelings of loss......can recommend the Louise Small/Rebecca Black (or is it other way round??) - anyway, its called 'Beyond Childlessness' and was one of many which helped me....

Davis, I have PM'd you G

Hi Davis Sorry to hear your losses I can only echo much of what others have said However... Whilst I agree you need to be on the same page it is very fair to say men are the old fashioned cavemen attitude and often need a nudge or a shove in the right direction Me and DH started the process last July with initial enquiry... DH had a major melt down into whether he could handle it in the dec whilst we were waiting for prep course (feb/mar) its a shame the old board posts aren't available as some fantastic responses on this area were received (I will see tomorrow if I can still access and copy and paste into a pm for you) any how! Vlm53l (I know that's not correct but near enough) sent me a wonderful message for DH and it really helped him Men have a natural instinct to pro-create, women have a natural instinct to nurture... Therefore albeit very hard for us women to grieve for the birth children we never had it is often harder for men to accept that they aren't going to go forth and multiply so to speak! My DH with a little encouragement decided to roll with the process through to prep course! We agreed we would discuss more and reassess the situation and his feelings after prep! It's fair to say prep course sealed the deal for him As for age no you aren't too young HoWEVER as with everything in adoption you will be questioned no end in why now and especially with your age it will be a case of "it's so unusual for us to get adopters your age" I'm 27 and DH 32 so a little older than yourselves but we had a hard time! We were very persistent in that albeit young we see that as a positive that we will have plenty energy and are broad minded! Social workers will push every topic going they will make you laugh cry and reminisce things you may or may not want to think about! Be honest but firm! Don't leave yourself open for mis-interpretations think about your potential weaknesses before hand and their strengths they bring to you as an individual and as a couple and you will be fine! Daisy xx

Thanks for your reply Daisy. I think your right men need to procreate. My husband and I have been talking alot over the week and he has been saying that the thing he struggles with is that our first child died and our second (if we adopt) wont be our own newborn. He seems to not be able to get his head round the loss of not creating his own child where i just want to be a mum and the risk of losing another child is far to great. We aren't going to go forwards until March 2014 as we want to wait at least a year since our daughter died so we have 4 more months to keep talking about it. Who would have thought becoming a parent would be so hard. I am sure when i went to school we were told the minute we even thought had having unprotected S we WOULD be pregnant x

Others have made very helpful comments and it must be hard for both of you after such losses. We went through the process many years ago and had both had fairly idyllic childhoods and it was this that counted against us! Sws wanted to know how we cope with difficulties as we'd never really faced any. Anyway, while your childhood and your counselling may not seem to be great adverts for 'motherhood and apple pie', they are going to serve you well when dealing with sws about adoption. You not only know about trauma, but have overcome it. One other point that might be worth considering is looking at other ways of having children. If your OH doesn't want to adopt there are other options you've not perhaps explored and maybe these would suit him better and still mean you don't miss out on being a mum.