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Dysregulation + teenage years don't have to be a bad combination. Teenagers are developing their self-awareness way beyond the abilities of a younger child, and it's possible for them to begin to recognise their red mists.

Also the one-to-one, especially mum-daughter, interactions are such a vital part of growing through the teenage years (for both mums and daughters). If that is manageable, then you have a valuable connection that is far more important in the long run, whatever you decide.

Do you belong to the Potato group? It's a good place for truthful experience of funding battles with LA's etc.. Also it may be worth searching for ordinary bursary schemes, depending on your own financial circumstances. Individual boarding schools run their own schemes and, in addition, there are a couple of organisations (e.g. the Sutton Trust) that may provide ££ if you meet their criteria.

Thanks Lettice,

The problem is really two-fold. Her behaviour is so extreme, we have been broken apart as a family. LO has essentially isolated me from contact with all family, that is husband and my other two children. It is not sustainable in a family environment, and after nearly 7 years it has also taken its toll on my physically and emotionally.

I have no backup or respite and have been struggling health-wise. Her willingness to deliberately think of ways of hurting me physically is frightening.

Also, she will re-enact her trauma with me, putting me in the position of perpetrator, where she will be extremely violent and will only stop once she herself feels strong physical pain. E.g. she might try and kick me but inadvertently kick the wall. In her mind I would have hurt her and she is quite willing to repeat this to others claiming she had to defend herself.

I cannot wait in the hope that she might mature and our relationship might prosper but leave behind all my other relationships and risk bring pulled in by police one day who may think I have been abusing her.

Hi Zora,

so sorry to hear things are tough - sending you lots of hugs. Does she have an EHCP and/or any dx's? If she does it might be worth having her reports updated to illustrate her challenging behaviour and how it would be in her best interests to be in a boarding school which would be able to meet all of her needs. You could then ask for a review of her plan and for her to be considered for such a school. Do you have any particular school in mind? if you do you could contact the school and go along and have a chat with the head and ask them how do you go about getting your daughter into the school - i have always found heads to be quite helpful. there are also some state boarding schools so also have a look at them.

I think the only other route would be to go down the section 20 road and ask for Social services to in effect take her back into care because you are not only unable to meet her extreme needs but also the detrimental effect that it is having on all of your family as well as yourself. If you do a search of the old archives you should be able to find a lot of threads on this as, unfortunately, it is a common problem.

Also go and see your GP - and explain exactly what you are going through and see if they can help in any way - in terms of getting any dx's and help for you.

Sorry i can't be of more help. please do take care of yourself.

best wishes xx

A close friend of mine obtained funding for a fantastic therapeutic residential school for his adopted son after a couple of years of fighting. He started by writing to the Head of Children’s Services, stating that the adoption was at risk of adoption and listing the reasons why. He subsequently obtained funding for an assessment by PAC-UK who provided a therapeutic package and (when that didn’t work) supported placement at residential therapeutic school.

You don’t say how your daughter copes at school but my friend was helped by the fact that his son had been moved from school to PRU and back and then to various units who couldn’t manage his aggression.

The fact that other children in your family must be hugely affected by your daughter’s issues should be taken into account in funding decisions.

My son suffers from similar (though less severe) issues re aggression and inability to cope with other adults talking to me in his presence. I do empathise and really hope you find the help you need.

I. Know of a situation whereby a child was sent to boarding school , a few years later, it has now sadly disrupted.

The child’s experience of boarding has left feelings of being unwanted.

i agree with windfalls re section 20, sending the child to boarding school will make things easier for yourself in the short term but it’s not dealing with the problem .

Thank you, Windfalls and Beebo. Some really good advice. I will certainly look into this. Really appreciate your input.

Mojo, we have been dealing with "the problem" for many years. To the detriment of the whole family. My older child has moved out prematurely because they could no longer cope in the environment at home. Suffers from depression, self harm on a massive scale, is now in supported accommodation. The other older one has also left home and hates coming back as they get so stressed by what goes on at home they barely visit. Wider family keep their distance for the same reason.

You cannot "save" one person and let all the others come to serious harm as a direct consequence. And there is no indication that things will turn out ok eventually. In fact after long deliberations I have come to the conclusion that LO lives in constant fear because they are in a family environment. That is their trigger. They are so traumatised by what happened in the birth family that they associate family with danger. We are not doing them a favour keeping them in this environment. And for every child who may not thrive at boarding school there are just as many success stories. I really do not need to be guilt-tripped. This situation has not come about for want of trying and commitment.

Hi Zora,

I don't think Mojo was trying to make you feel guilty. I understood her post to mean that if you are choosing between a boarding school and a residential therapeutic school then to go for the latter. - as a "normal" boarding school wouldn't be equipped to deal with her underlying problems where as a therapeutic school would be. I am sure that it is something which you would bear in mind anyway as i am sure that not only do you want to alleviate the problems you are dealing with at home, but you also want her to get the help she clearly needs.

there are lots of very good residential schools and some which run very much for 52 weeks a year - blossom house is one that springs to mind but if you do a search on google lots will come up. In order to access a therapeutic residential school you may need to go down the section 20 route, but if you contact the school in the first instance i am sure that they will be able to give you lots of good advice.

best wishes xx

Thanks, Windfall. Maybe I misread the post and I do apologize if I did. I suppose it just goes to show that I am all over the place.

Zora

i was certainly not trying to make you feel guilty! Life sounds like it is sh*t enough without being on a guilt trip.

First and fore most, the child needs help, I personally don’t believe boarding school is the answer.

a therapeutic school may help.

But, you also need help and it doesn’t sound like you are getting it or much support.

You sound like your at the end of your tether, After years of trying and committing maybe it is time for you to put your own health first and the needs of your other children.

Just to say you do not have to go down the section 20 route to obtain a place at a residential school - just as any family is able to send their child to a boarding or residential school while retaining full parental responsibility.