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Thinking about step 1 - worried about ex partners potential comments

Twickers14 January 4, 2015 13:15
Hi everyone, My husband and I are thinking of applying for stage 1 but a big obstacle for my husband is the idea of a social worker contacting his ex partner who he lived with and her then 4 year old son. (going back 10 to 12 years ago, we've been together 8 years now) He had a great relationship with the son but when they spilt up, he doesn't know what she told her son or if she would try to mess up our chances by saying something horrid now to a SW. Essentially they split was over a misunderstanding but she took the break up really badly. She's now married with a baby from the marriage so I'm of the opinion she will have moved on from the whole thing but he's not so sure. There was certainly no impropriety. If the situation is explained to a SW, how much store do they put on an ex partners comments? Many thanks in advance for any advice.
Edited 17/02/2021
Midge January 4, 2015 13:21
SWs are looking for domestic abuse history. Contrary to popular belief the ex isn't being asked for a reference. They will be asked about the relationship and be interested in any emotional or physical abuse. They can generally pick up on vindictive ex's easily and for a malicious ex they will disregard the sour grapes. . During HS your partner can be expected to reflect on how he disengaged from this child when the relationship broke down. How the child may have felt, was he given an opportunity or did he seek one, to say goodbye etc
Edited 17/02/2021
Flosskirk January 4, 2015 20:36
They are constantly trying to build up a profile of you to make sure that you will be able to adequately parent a traumatised child. They are looking to make sure that there are no concerns around e.g. violence, risky behaviours, but also they will want to know that you are resourceful, committed and trustworthy. Sometimes people lie to social workers and then things come out by various means - one of them being speaking to referees and other people like ex partners. I think it is important that your husband is very honest with the sw and that he has a good explanation for whatever happened for the relationship to break down. It is one thing to e.g. walk out of a relationship without a single look back (not saying that's what happened here) compared with explaining what happened and why. Social workers have seen it all before - they are not going to stop the process on the basis of an angry ex, but they might get some areas they want to explore in more detail, like commitment when things get rocky, that sort of thing. It probably won't be an issue if he is honest and can show that he has thought about what happened and taken any lessons from any of it. It's when people act like none of it matters that they are going to be concerned - and definitely any attempt to put a positive spin on things. Good luck.
Edited 17/02/2021

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