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Nope. Our daughter is gorgeous, funny, stroppy, opinionated, kind, I could go on. She is 4.5 and has been home 3 years. Saying that she has some toileting issues but strictly speaking these are diet related rather than adoption related. Other than this she is a 'normal' 4.5 year old and we have a 'normal' fantastic life. What the future holds remains to be seen.

Aww thats lovely, im curious to know what happens when they are older, just started going down the route ourselves i had a panic about the attachment and problem children and forever struggling as I will have to go back to work at some point

I have 2 adopted children. Both were totally adorable and gorgeous until teen years. One then became incredibly difficult, really challenging, and has got himself into lots of trouble with police etc. My other child is also a teen, but still the same...straightforward and wonderful, apart from the normal teen strops. She excels at sports, playing tennis at a national level, and football and cricket. She is doing well at school, and is funny and happy, and really bonded and attached to me and her dad. So I have had 2 very different experiences.

Ma so not any different to some bloody families then.

Honestly, I think most adopted children will have problems to some degree. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but thats been my experience so far.I have 2 children, both have issues to varying degrees. Its been a rollercoaster journey but I would not change them for the world

I'm only 2yrs8mths into parenting my lovely 8.5yr old. He is wonderful, he is attached to me, insecurely, but he loves me and I love him. He has problems at school, but our life is fairly "normal" if there is such a thing! I work a 27hr week, and he manages after school care three days p.w. We have a really good life, I have had to make sure things are worked around his needs, doing so means we do have a fairly average life. We holiday, go to cinema, swimming, walking etc. He doesn't enjoy kids clubs, but then not all birth children do. Our life is normal for us, but some of his friends have much more active social lives than he has, he likes to spend all of his time with me, and can stress when not with me.I do suggest you read lots about adoption and adopted kids, they often will have difficulties, some of which can be worked around fairly easily, others have more complex and challenging needs. I plan how we live round my son, I don't expect him to fit around my life, some of my friends do that with their children and it works fine. It wouldn't work with my son. He is the light of my life

Sammyj, i have to be honest, life with my AS is definitely not like 'normal' families. It has been worse. I have friends with difficult kids, and I know about how difficult it can be, but my AS is kind of on a different scale altogether. But my AD is far easier than most.......so far. Just saying this, because it is important to be prepared for difficulties with traumatised children. But equally there can be so much total happiness. x

thanks ma

Hi Sammy - and welcome I had similar concerns when I started out.....what I found useful was reading these & other adoption boards to get an idea of the realities.....also read loads of books - the resources thread has loads of suggestions so you can 'learn' how to parent an adopted child and what it means....also trying to meet up with adopters - chatting with someone can sometimes be better than the written word!!!PM me anytime if you'd like....it can be scary at first with so much info out there - best of luck

If you do a search you will find a recent thread by ?Holly called Straightforward Child, which looks at this issue in some depth.When you think about what so many of our children have been through - in utero, early neglect, abuse, loss - it is not surprising that so many of us are parenting traumatised kids. As others have said, I absolutely adore my son, but he isn't straightforward. But birth children aren't necessarily straightforward either, are they? No guarantees in this business!

Hi there,Well both of my LO's have presented me with a lot more than I expected BUT that said I love them more than I thought it possible to love any child.They need more thought than my friends who have BC and at times I would dearly love a bit more normal, but then they wouldn't be my kids would they?It takes time, energy and you need to accept a lot of rejection in the early days esp.Holly Van Gulden, Bryan Post and Dan Hughes are all fantastic adoption guru's, their books are worth every penny.So in short, yes, both of my kids have had issues, still do at times but not to the point that it's destroyed our lives, far from it, we are very happy and proud parents.I would do it again.Good luck to you.Sc x

I think I'd phrase the question differently as I think ALL children have problems at one time or another because they are human beings!The issue for me is that a higher percentage of adoptees have some sort of additional need - as bps struggle to cope maybe due to their own additional needs. Then there are trauma/attachment issues which can be minor or severe, but impossible to know before adoptingSo it's about how you handle these problems as they arise. My best friends parents parented her very therapeutically in the 60's and she didn't have additional needs, and she didn't have many problems growing up, but even she had some problems.

HiI think this is pretty subjective really. In the world of adoption I would say 8 mths in that our 4 yo doesnt have any problems except for 1. But even with the one "problem", in our house its only me thinks its a problem, DP feels she is growing out of it - hence why I say subjective.Certainly our girl came with many issues, defiant, controlling, BIG toilet probs, HUGE food issues, fear of heat and cold, weird about "normal" environments (eg outside bare footed, stepping over sticks in woods, huge temper tantrums. Over tiem all of these (excepting food) are not really issues any more. Are they "adoption" problems. well yes but only in so much that she was raised by FC who did a supreme job in loving and caring for our girl with utter devotion, but didnt live like we do, in activities, environments, behaviours, most things really. So our poor girl was ripped from everything she had ever known and thrown into a life where everything was different and nothing was said, done or OK as it had been before. not better or worse, just different. So IMO all adopted children are likely to come in the early days with issues specifically in relation to losing their latest "family" and being thrown into a world of unfamiliarity and isolation from known comfort source. For many, on top of that are real deep;y embedded issues around neglect, trauma, abuse whihc often are not obvious, become evident very late on and sadly cant always be effectively managed/helped.In the outside world our daughter is just like any other and our normal happy easy lives are coming back to us. who knows what the futre holds for us all. She has a history, it will become more relavant to her later in life, it may or may not bring troubles with it.

Difficult to tell how 'typical' the issues my 5 year old son and 4 year old daughter are (3 years into placement) but it has always felt manageable and ups and downs of family life more or less as I had expected. As others have said, adoption by its very nature comes with trauma but I got lucky with a sibling pair presenting few issues and less upheaval than most having been in 1 fc placement for one year since removal from birth family.It is easy to get phased by reading this website and the vast amount of literature - i know I had a major panic about it before the kids moved in wondering exactly what we had let ourselves in for. Obviously important to be aware of possible issues and parenting techniques and forewarned is forearmed (or at least marginally more so than going in blind as much as it is ever possible to prepare for the shock of parenthood!). However it is sometimes difficult to see beyond the issues and potential difficulties and it can put u right off the whole thing - until u meet your children and they become real people who r not defined by your fears or whatever labels they may have applied to them but who r amazing miraculous complicated beings.I know some children r making it very difficult to be loved and I've read so many posts where my heart goes out to those parents. I feel so lucky and that I must've won the adoption lottery with my two. I deal with daily tantrums and I am not arrogant enough to think that further problems can arise and parenthood has so many more difficult times ahead that may b worse than I could ever imagine...but what I can't control doesn't bother me - the important thing is that I am in it for better or worse now and so r they. We have been lucky enough to form a strong bond. Parenthood is hard and changes your life completely and will throw u curve balls. I am sure many more experienced parents will b reading this and cringe at how naive I am being, and I also apologise for being so saccharine - but my experience has been incredibly positive, perhaps more so as I prepared for the worst having done the research. All I would say is be knowledgable and be warned, but don't lose hope and a large dollop of blind faith that it will work out and your dreams can come true (just work on these being realistic and preferably unspecific and very flexible!)Good luck!

As FIM said "it's how you handle these problems as they arise" I wasn't needing a child who could give me a normal parenting experience and family life ... I wanted to give one of these amazing children in care who thru no fault of theirs had had awful, often traumatising experiences, a life with me where we could have a brill time together and along the way help my child to have the life they deserve, and if that needed me to parent him differently to my sister/friends and neighbours, well ..... what an even more special parenting experience for me!!! I am so proud of my birdboy, I feel like I am going to burst sometimes. The fact that the things I am proud of parents with birth children take for granted only makes me more proud. And to be perfectly frank, yes I am also proud of myself for helping him get to the point in his life he is at now. Birdlady (bursting with pride at being able to say "that's my son" )

well put birdladyi think it is worth reading all the challenging examples on these boards to truly prepare yourself - 'if i faced these challenges as a parent could i do it?'my dd was nearly 8y - she had some obvious issues, always on the go, easily upset, 'a chip on her shoulder' etc - but for several years these were issues i did not see as problems - but 12 - 17 ish i would say she had major problems and i was daily helping and supporting her with the sort of issues a secure birth child might only deal with for one short episode over many yearsself esteem/self harming issuesaltercations with peers, some involving the policedespite normal intelligence - low educational attainmenthaving said all that, her ambivalent attachment has meant that at times she can be very open to my support and very appreciative of the extra mile we have gonenow in her 20's she is steadily blossoming but as birdlady says - we celebrate small things like a relationship lasting more than a month, a call-centre job of a few months, needing less support from 'bank of mum' etcread all you can during you preparation about attachment and traumaconsider any potential link in detail and consider in utero experiences and experiences 0 -36 months in particularyes some adoptees are more 'straightforward' - removed at birth, one stable FC etcsome very young babies may be complex due to genetic factors, in utero alcohol, substances or cortisolsome older children, despite complex histories, have an inate resilience or by luck are such a good fit with their adopters that together they can do much better than expectedeach situation is unique - but do consider all the real life experiences on these boards so you are 'prepared for anything'

Hi sammyjI don't think I can add very much to the wise replies you have already had, but it always seems to me that getting the right match is hugely important. This sounds obvious I know, but I think it is key. That's not to say that there won't be problems (and perhaps very significant problems).I agree wholeheartedly with true when she says...'some older children, despite complex histories, have an inate resilience or by luck are such a good fit with their adopters that together they can do much better than expected'I think that is our own situation. We know without a doubt that our AS is the 'perfect match' (as a SW manager said!) for us. However he has needs and problems, way,way more complex than we said we would consider.Lastly, we have a friend who is nearly 60 who shared with us that he has had a lifelong 'irrational' fear of being abandoned. Turns out that his fear was far from irrational. When his mother died a few years ago he discovered he was adopted.So, even a child adopted at birth from a healthy mother (ie not a drug addict or a drinker) is deeply affected by that separation. From memory, I think there is a chapter about older child adoptions in 'The Primal Wound' by Nancy Verrier but most of it deals with relinquished babies and the trauma of being removed from birth mother (I think). Worth a read.Best wishesLarsti

Welcome sammyMost if not all children who are adopted come from trauma and loss senarios that were serious enough they had to be put for adoptionSo I'd think most have significant issues Some have someSome have severeThat's quite reflected here I think

Hi, Sammyj -In an ideal world, no child would ever be adopted, because they would not need to be. The fact that a child has to be adopted means that they have been through at least some sub-optimal experiences. The minimum is separation from their birth mother and some people (see Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound") believe that is incredibly traumatic to start with.For most adopted kids, there are more sub-optimal experiences to add on top of that. Abuse; neglect; at least one more move (from foster to adoptive parent). There are the stress hormones in utero as well as drug, smoking and alcohol abuse. All of those are shown to affect the child throughout their life. There may be genetic factors as well.So, every child that is adopted will have suffered trauma. Every trauma that every person goes through leaves a mark - as does every positive experience. How big a mark depends on a number of factors: the severity, how long it lasted, how much it was repeated and what stage of development. Things like, where there was physical abuse, whether there was one loving consistent parent and one aggressive one can be a factor. And the child's own resilience. One child can go through what appears to be minor trauma and be hugely messed up; another can go through big traumas and appear pretty normal.And the word "appear" is also significant. There are children who are damaged in such a way that they appear "normal". They have lost their own identity and so become the child that everyone wants. Delightful, quiet, co-operative and obedient they appear ideal, yet they actually have huge needs that are incredibly difficult to see and to meet. These kids may well then explode at some point in their lives (often in their teenage years).So, yes, every adopted child has experienced trauma and all of them will be affected by it to some degree. Whether that comes out as "problems" depends on how you define "problems".All the best,Corkwing