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My children are a lot younger, but I just wanted to send you my support. You sound like amazing parents who have supported and continue to support your daughter hugely, which I’m sure has made a massive difference to her. But at the same time you must also think about yourselves and your own futures, and enjoy your own time xx

Hello again- I will send a pm. My AD had a baby who must be about 6 months old now. She is also 20 and very much like your dd was very keen to be prg to get the likes on social media and lots of, well, I don’t know. I guess she continually seeks what she thinks will fill the unfillable hole that trauma left her with. We knew that the moment her contraceptive implant ran out she would be trying for a baby. We aren’t able to see blossom because of her threats to us, but we had someone else suggest to us blossom was prg. With much soul searching we decided to try and warn social care of the risks we feel blossom would pose. As a result I understand she’s living in some sort of foster support for mother and baby. I doubt very much if they’ve been told of blossoms previous threats and serious mh challenges or that she meets criteria for psychopathy. But that’s down to ss and we have done our very best to keep them informed as best as we are able. I’d suggest you (and your partner) go and see a psychotherapist who knows their stuff on traumatised kids. You need to work on your boundaries and what your responses will be to the scenarios you envisage and face this stuff together. It’s a huge thing. Mr PT and I really benefitted from this in the recent past. Post adoption may know of some practitioners in your area. Off to pm you

Thank you both. Your advice Pear Tree is very good. I think that we will need to get help with our own responses and boundaries. As a couple we tend to have very different initial responses but can both then feel high levels of guilt leading to perhaps overcompensating and putting our own needs at the bottom of the pile. My husband has retired recently from teaching and I am very part time ready for retirement from the same. We only live the one life and we would like some steadiness and lack of anxiety, which has not been possible for a number of years. On the other hand we are very close to our AD and know that parenting is for life.

Counselling could be useful. You know your DD best, and try to be realistic about the possibilities. I had to step away when my older daughter chose to get pregnant. Everything had to be on her terms, it was about her 'rights' - and yet time and time again she walked away from being responsible. She didn't want 'help' - she wanted me to do the hard work for her while she picked and chose what she wanted. She was in her mid teens so had support workers and counsellors galore, and was very good at presenting herself a mature and responsible for the hour or so she was with them. At one point she was going to 'star' in a set of video diaries about their service... As I predicted (hey, what do I know? I was only her mother...) she has more or less abandoned him now with his father's extended family - I haven't seen him for a couple of years. I am glad I kept my distance, because to have developed a relationship with him and then lost him would have been incredibly painful. So, think of possibilities and how likely various scenarios are. Yes, parenting is for life. How actively you are involved as grand parents is a different choice. You haven't chosen to become grand-parents - your daughter's choices are now her responsibility not yours.

Hello white christmas A number of us can empathise with your situation. My AS and his wife both had massive problems. My son suffers from ADHD and FASD and my daughter in law fits the profile for having an antisocial personality disorder. Her own mother had 8 children and they were all taken into care. My son had suffered neglect and abuse. So you have a young couple with huge problems and vulnerabilities and really not capable of looking after themselves, never mind a baby. The first child was born when he was 19 years old. She was 3 years older. I alerted the head midwife at the hospital about my concerns about their ability to cope with the baby so that they would get extra support. A few months later she was pregnant again. At that point I wrote a 7 page report to the local child protection team. There was social work intervention. Over the years they have had 6 children. They have all been taken into care. What worries me about what you have written about your AD's situation is that there are services involved and it would be easy to assume therefore that potential risks are known and that appropriate support will be given. Specifically a psychiatrist and mental health nurse are involved. Have they communicated with social services about the situation concerning your AD and the unborn baby? There have been numerous cases in the past where tragedies have unfolded because of failures in communication between agencies. Can you clarify with the psychiatrist and mental health nurse whether social services have been alerted and a plan of support prepared? If you cannot get confirmation of this I would strongly advise that you alert social services yourselves. Then you have done all in your power to safeguard the unborn baby and to get support for your AD and her boyfriend. Sadly many of our adopted children continue to experience problems into adulthood. Thinking of you. Lily x

Thank you Lily. I remember your previous posts and wish you well. My husband and I will be meeting with our post adoption support worker to talk through issues and I will be asking about a support plan. Thank you for emphasising this as we really don't know what to expect but do expect serious challenges ahead.

Are you concerned they may ask you to have the baby if it does not work out for your daughter . I know some people feel able to take on that challenge but i have know for a long time that is something I cant or wont do for my daughter. I have already made known my feelings to SS on that issue . I also worry if i did it for one baby what about the 2nd or the 3rd etc. Something you may need to consider if it does not work out for you dd and baby. hope you find some answers that work for you