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We are 11 years in with a 12 year old but I can see some similarities. DS has ADHD and ASD.

School work has been a challenge but in the end school agreed to as much as he could do. He has an EHCP so they have been checking up, but we have communicated as much as we could and I think they have a slightly better understanding than before. Have to admit though there have been conversations where neither of us had an answer. Our son does not link work with the future. All he sees is that school feels too hard and with ADHD he always wants to complete an activity as soon as possible so concentrating for long enough is hard. I wonder if your son has opinions about going back to school. School have offered DS going in the day when only year 7 are there to prepare for his return, but he can't face this and at the moment he is not wanting to return.

We have allowed more time than we would like on his Xbox and phone which means he has communications with friends (when he hasn't fallen out with them). We have been told that it is acceptable at this time to allow more time on this, so we try to find reasons for him to come off for breaks rather than limiting the time and insist on time off before bed. This can be a challenge but has reduced the confrontations.

He also does not want to go out. Since lockdown he has only had brief trips out which have caused anxiety. He worries if he sees someone not social distancing. We have offered to take our DS out but he does not want to be seen out with parents. He was taken to meet a couple of friends to play football but this caused anxiety as others nearby were not social distancing. He did benefit from the exercise and I guess the lack of exercise makes things more difficult for someone with ADHD. I think this is the reason for some of his aggression and he also does not like to be asked to do things.

I wonder if your son is too anxious to go out. I think our son uses the Xbox to switch off from his anxiety.

I can empathise with not being able to go out. We are both working from home, but OH has the care responsibility when I am working as his working time is more flexible. We used to get our exercise and relaxation by going for walks whilst DS was at school as he can't cope with being alone, so apart from separate walks in the neighbourhood we are also pretty stuck here. Our DS has become more aggressive as he got older it must be hard for you to have had this challenge ongoing. I try to think of this not being personal and caused by the conditions and anxiety. As your son is older too you will have more of the age related problems.

Glad you are getting some help and keep posting so you get support on here. I know others on here have said in the past that they reduce the demands as far as possible. I would suggest not worrying about technology and try to allow yourself more personal time, may be listening to music on headphones , mindfulness colouring, gardening or anything else you can do at home. I find if I have a project it gives me something to feel success with, as discussions over things that are not happening like homework or homeschooling can make us feel negatively about our parenting. Reading about how much time you have spent in discussion with school shows how hard you have tried. Some people on here in the past have told school their child is unable to do homework, so don't be hard on yourself if he has not been able to do the homeschooling. (From the news I think there are many more). Can you communicate with school before term starts how hard he found it to do work at home and the effect it had on him? We communicated some of this and also a pdf from 'Inner World'-Secondary which gives some insight to reactions which they found helpful.

Hope some of this helps. (Someone else may have posted in the time it has taken me). Take care and hope you get some chances to relax.

My son is an adult now - 23 - so not lockdown related but I can completely empathise as at 14 he was school refusing and it was a nightmare. I tried to keep him off / limit the Xbox and on one occasion when I disconnected it he went berserk. I realised though that it was his only social contact and as his room was downstairs I could keep an eye loosely that the contact was reasonably positive. He also said that the COD games helped him deal with the bullying he had been experiencing at school. He didn’t do any work at all (school never sent any) and eventually he was given support through a return to school program run by Camhs - this is extremely common it would seem - Camhs also arranged for assessments to be done to identify his learning difficulties which school said they “couldn’t afford” and then the school paid for him to attend a supported learning course at college in year 11 as they were not willing to accommodate his needs. Personally I think you should forget trying to get him to do the work - it’s not helping and causing you both great stress - just let them know when he goes back. Concentrate on the relationship and relax the rules - things are stressful enough at the moment - and look after yourself

Hi terraced house,

We seem to be very similar! we are 12 years in and my ad 13 and we brought her home at 13 months. She also has ADHD as well as other things and has been glued to her ipad from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed and any attempts to regulate it ends in a massive meltdown with her screaming and shouting, throwing stuff, kicking doors etc and swearing her head off. My advice would be as follows:

1. I now work on the basis of making home life as bearable as possible for everyone ( I also have 2 bs and a husband who has always worked mainly from home). So I let my AD play on her ipad as much as she wants as it keeps her quiet and stops her from annoying everyone else in the house. Not ideal I know but it's preferable to dealing with the behaviour if I try to take it away. I also make absolutely no demands on her at all during the day . School work during lockdown, if she didn't want to do it I didn't force her - emailed her teachers and told them why as again if I tried to force her it just ended in massive meltdown. luckily she has an EHCP and is in a specialist school and so they are quite understanding.

2. You mention anger/defiance - has he been assessed for ODD - oppositional defiant disorder? my ad has this and can be very defiant which is really hard to deal with. Her adhd meds do make a difference to this so perhaps his adhd meds may need adjusting? There are other meds which can help with anger such a risperdone and so it may be worth having a chat with his adhd doctors about this.

3. My Ad has massive meltdowns and can be violent and angry too. She also has ASD and is also highly anxious- again have a look at the features of these conditions and see if they fit what you are seeing and perhaps consider assessment for it. Also have a look at PDA.

4. I would tell school that it is their problem and not yours and if they cannot manage him or get through to him then perhaps it is not the right school for him. I would get them to admit this and get their help to work towards applying for an EHCP if he doesn't have one or getting it amended so he can attend a school that can help him. Also tell school that you have had to involve the police because of his violent behaviour which is another reason why you will not be applying any pressure on him in relation to his school work. If he fails his exams then that is his problem and not yours, you have done all you can and now have to go into damage limitation mode.

Also start thinking about post 16 provision in a residential special needs school and start getting all the reports/assessments together for this. Knowing that you have just 2 more years of dealing with this may help to get you through the present - I know this is helping me to get through the present as I don't know how much longer we can deal with this either.

also make sure you get yourself out on your own each day to give yourself some respite - leave him at home with his technology.

best wishes xxx

Hi Terraced House, I have definitely found my tribe on this thread. Twelve years in with a 12-year-old and I’m amazed that all of my teeth have not been worn away to stumps (some of them have, cue very costly crowns) due to excessive grinding and clenching. The alternative would be me spewing a torrent of molten lava in some sort of personal Vesuvian explosion.

Oh God, the opposition, the defiance, the lack of any investment in maintaining even basic personal hygiene, the volatile anger and physical threats, the coruscating verbal abuse, the lying, food hoarding, concealing and stealing. My handbag and purse are in permanent lockdown, due to unquantifiable sums of cash having been snaffled and p*ssed up at the local sweet shop, and I have to conduct an almost forensic fingertip search of the food wrappers my DD1 liberates from the family food cupboards on a daily basis. We live in a gulag of beige food with zero treats because the upset of discovering the one-off Green & Blacks chocolate bar wrapper stuffed under my bedside cabinet or her sibling’s wardrobe (yes, I know this is possibly Freudian and she is signalling untold messages but it is still bl**dy soul-destroying to have the sucker-punch to the stomach every time it happens).

I’m with you, DD is very able academically and passed the 11+ to secure herself a place at a grammar school, where she is excelling academically. But the 17 weeks (including the Easter break and May half term here as she/we did not stop) have tested my sanity beyond all reason. More lies and, goodness, the gaslighting (‘Oh, I already handed that piece of work in on Google Classroom’, ‘Oh, Miss only wants us to write five bullet-points as our answers to the project for the whole term’.

I will be hammering on the doors of No 10 Downing Street, with DD wearing her most fetching duffle coat, adorned with a note reading ‘Please look after this adopted child’ if school does not re-open in September. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

We have no diagnoses of ASD/ADHD etc but we do have a formal diagnosis of neo-natal abstinence syndrome and my daughter is now registered blind, having lost her sight a couple of years ago. I know she has a lot to contend with but (insert the worst possible swear words you can ever think of here) SO DO I!

Big hugs and much empathy to you, Terraced House.

Fantastic post Fulcifer - reminded me of so much I forgot to put in mine but much more effectively written - managed to do a “like” even if it did take about a dozen steps!

Do whatever you need to do (or not do) to get through.

If they fail exams, they fail. Either they eventually mature enough to cope, and get themselves on a positive track, or they don't. That sounds very callous, but isn't meant to be! The reality is, if they can't cope with the education system as it is at this point in their lives, then they can't. If they are borderline coping, then you can support them to get from 95% to near enough. But if they are nowhere near coping then NOTHING you do is going to make the difference.

Both my DDs are behind their 'proper' age - DD1 started uni at 20, but is coping well, and DD2 is being educated a year behind her cohort and not working within expectations even in the lower year. She may always struggle academically, but nothing I can do will alter that. It is far more important that she is mentally healthy, because then she will find her niche in life.

If it is any comfort, ages 13/14 to about 16 with Oyster were hell, and she went back into care via a teen pregnancy and being fostered by her boyfriend's family because I was being so horrible to her (ha! that lasted about 4 months before they kicked her out...). By about 18/19 she was a lot more able to see other people's point of view, and by the age of 20 was able to admit (in public!) that she had put me through hell (her words!). There was a point where I thought I had lost her forever. Hang on in - this too shall pass.

A couple of things stand out. You mention resistance and avoidance. Rather than just deal with those presenting behaviours, what do you think could be underlying? Anxiety, difficulty with transitioning from one activity to another? Oppositional or avoidant? There’s quite a difference. I’ve copied this from a webinar I did recently

‘4. Difference between ODD and PDA .. in brief .. ODD is a resistance to authority, any authority. Can be vindictive. Won’t do. More calculated. PDA is about resisting or avoiding a demand .. can’t do. Don’t recognise a pecking order.’

There’s lot more! This is from a young man with PDA - a subset of the autism spectrum. PDAers will resist pretty much any request they interpret as a demand - demands cause anxiety.

The key with my daughter is lowering demands and expectations. Changing the way I ask her to do stuff. Not expecting her to do it in my timeframe but allowing her time and space to do it as and when she feels able to. Often through my gritted teeth and as I make very rude gestures outside her bedroom door!

If your son won’t do schoolwork during lockdown, so be it. Neither would my 16 year old aspie. He couldn’t do it because he struggles without that face to face teaching. He needs direct instruction. Poor exec functioning skills mean he struggles to process, to plan etc so Microsoft Team teaching was just too much for him. He’s also adhd and kids with adhd do struggle with planning, processing etc. We’ve just had his statement amended to reflect those very difficulties.

He’s spent far too much time in his room on his Xbox and phone, as has my daughter. But it’s kept them calm and regulated ... and me sane! Normal rules have just not applied.