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That’s quite a broad question! Difficult to know where to start but regardless of the age of the child I’d suggest ‘think younger’. Emotional/developmental/chronological age are unlikely to be in sync.

Dont expect to fall instantly in love. Sometimes it can happen that way; other times it’s more of a slow burn.

Try not to change routines too quickly.

I found - years in - to think about losses v gains. What the child has lost, ie pretty much everything that was familiar to him/her v what you’ve gained, a very much wanted child. I’d never really considered how much my kids had really lost before coming home.

Think about work patterns - lots of kids aren’t able to cope with childcare, school, so a return to work isn’t always as easy as you might hope for. And on the subject of schools - the best school isn’t necessarily the right school. Choose carefully

Get as much info as possible from fcs pre placement

Watch out for the honeymoon period ...

Grow a thick skin and don’t be afraid to tell people to mind their own business if they’re asking too many questions

Don’t believe the myth about transference of attachment. Hopefully sws are no longer selling that story

Give it time

If it’s a baby, figure out supermarket trolleys, car seats, buggies etc ... and with petrol, always pay at pump!

I’m sure there are many more tips but these are off the top of my head

That is fantastic. Thank you so much for your help

Great tips. Thanks

Two tips from me:

-Once you adopt, make sure you spend a significant amount of time (a few weeks to a month for example depending on circumstances) alone with the child before introducing them to their new family members (grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.). We made the mistake of introducing our adopted children to our family 1 week after they were placed with us and it was a mistake, as we were still getting to know each other and our family didn’t really appreciate/respect our boundaries as their new parents and the children felt confused.

-Make sure you set boundaries/routines right from the start (this will save you lots of headaches further down the line). An obvious one is bedtime. For example, with our children they knew bedtime is at 7pm right from the start and that they had to sleep in their own bed (we don’t let them come and sleep in our bed in the middle of the night). They did fight this the first few weeks (and needed us to stay close to them initially as they felt asleep), but are now in a good routine of sleeping from 7pm to 7am without our help (just some bedtime reading and a few hugs). This is a big contrast from the experience of other parents I know with children of the same age, for whom bedtime is really challenging and they have their kids coming to their bed in the middle of the night every single day. For some of these parents sleep deprivation is common.

-Other obvious ones are always tidying up their toys after playing and watching TV only for a limited time everyday (e.g. after breakfast and after nursery/school for a little bit).

If I’d had to spend a month alone with my kids I think I would have gone completely insane! Not least is the fact that it simply wasn’t possible when we had numbers 2 and 3. I don’t think there should be a hard and fast rule, much will depend on the child and the adopters. My family were introduced to my kids within a week or so and they developed positive relationships. Be sensible obviously - maintain the child’s care, set boundaries but I’m not convinced that isolating new parents is always helpful. We have to do what feels right and sensible for us!

Again, we did bedtimes differently! We co-slept with each child at stages when they needed it. Pleased to say that at 18, 15 and 13 it did them no harm and they’re perfectly happy in their own beds!

Do what feels right for you as a family. Parenting is hard work ... do whatever you have to to make life easier.

Stay away from Cheshire East Adoption Agency... They are bias and judge you on everything.. If you earn £70000 per annum then apply.. I've been told our 4 bed house isn't good enough, my work hours are not suitable, my wages (the UK average) not sufficient an( we could never do DIY with an adopted child. I even remarked on the fact one of our rooms had a pink carpet and git told my levels if non gender specific language meet they would NEVER consider us for one of their children... Which are the only children they will put us forward for.. This is fact as we have tried..

Honestly this has been the most traumatic experience.......

Knowing what we know know we would never had gone down the adoption route.. Just accepted being 'childless'... Now the ombudsman are getting involved. And a potential lawsuit.

"Don’t believe the myth about transference of attachment. Hopefully sws are no longer selling that story" Just wondering what you mean by this Donatella? Genuinely. Do you mean that they sell that it can or cannot be transferred? Or something else? Thanks, T

Why would attachment be transferred? Think about it logically. When you marry, for example, you don’t end your attachment to your family ... you form a new attachment to your husband/wife. You don’t transfer your attachment from your family to your partner. It’s a whole new thing.

We used to be told that if a child formed an attachment to his/her fc then they could transfer that attachment (I’d also say for attachment read bond) to you. It makes no sense. You can have an attachment/bond to more than one person

Ah right ok, see what you're saying. I was told the same. I took it more as some children have disorganised/insecure attachments and that can make it harder, never impossible, to form new attachments. Interesting point though, thanks for clarifying.

Yes, I'm with T's Mam on this one. I took it in the same sense as a "transferable skill", i.e. the ability to engage in building attachment. But either way it's a really important point for new adopters. One child I felt I was ripping away from a loved and loving foster mum. Other child was immediately up for cuddles with me and left foster mum without a backward glance. As a stranger, where I hadn't yet formed any bond with either of them, I was worrying about the wrong child - I felt I'd stolen him, but, even if I had, he brought those attachment skills with him.

Another useful and related point is that openly grieving for the loss of the foster family is important. The whole grieving process, getting alongside your new child and validating their grief, is an important part of showing empathy and a cornerstone for building the new relationship. (Even if it makes you feel awful.)

Similar to you Lettice, although I have just the one child. I do remember acknowledging the importance of attachment and the 'lock down' period but admit that, were it not for my own direct experience, I was at risk of minimising this. Can remember thinking that it was ever so slightly over the top with regards to not allowing family to meet/cuddle etc. HOWEVER, two days into intros I was well over that. It really unsettled me at how easy my child came to me, a complete stranger, without any concern for the foster carer. Only ten months old, can still see that compliant little smile now. Just observed a very occasional glance at the foster carer when we were together but we were on our own together predominantly. Very strongly and very quickly reinforced the importance of it just being us and was very strict with family and friends as a result and think it has paid off. Certainly polite compliance was gone within a week or so and is a strong, wilful little thing! :)

For contrast, my children were meeting people from the day they arrived. They had a play-date the first afternoon! We phased it a little bit, mostly just local people and new school etc. for the first few weeks; family a few at a time rather than all at once. But my children were school age and it would have felt very odd to isolate them as though they were ill. (I wouldn't have coped with it either!)