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Meeting Extended Family

Sherman March 6, 2021 14:28

Hi, my partner and I are still awaiting a match, but we are worrying a little about how to go about introducing our child to their extended family after placement. We appreciate that it is important for the child to have stability in the first few weeks and months after placement, and that being taken around to different houses and meeting different people might cause anxiety, but we don't really know where to draw the line with this and would like to know how other adopters have approached this.

Have other people taken their adopted child to visit grandparents within the first couple of months? Or have you had people come to visit your house first? How long did you wait before doing this and how did your child(ren) react?

Our SW has given some guidance on this but nothing particularly concrete - we understand every situation will be different, and of course the pandemic will have an impact on this at the moment, but knowing what others have done would really help put our minds at rest, thanks!

chestnuttree March 6, 2021 22:49

It depends on your situation: the age of your child, their personality, their experiences and adaptability. There will also be practical considerations: how well are you coping? Does your family live down the road or in another country?

My children are extroverted and very social and we have no family in this country. We kept every day the same for the first month and kept things quiet for a long time (many months). However, we did have friends and their two children over for an afternoon about 3 weeks after placement. We felt it wasn't ideal but that the children would be able to cope (which they did) and we knew that it would be many years until we would be able to see these friends again. My children met various family members after about 3-5 months with us. By that time we knew pretty much every family in our neighbourhood and had met several of our friends though. Had my family lived closer by they would have met the children much earlier.

Most times we would meet new people in a park right in front of our house, so we were in a familiar environment and the kids could spend time with us if they wanted and run off if they needed some space. The first time we went to someone else's house was about 3 months in and my children were quite nervous about it.

I would not worry too much about it. Once your child is placed with you, you will know what is manageable for them.

Edited 07/03/2021
Donatella March 7, 2021 08:48

Hmmm ... whilst I don’t necessarily advocate extended visits to/from family members I also wouldn’t advocate keeping close family away either. And yes I know that’s contrary to what most social workers will say but they’re not living it! You, as a parent, will need support just like any new parent will. We don’t expect grandparents to be kept away from newborn birth children and knackered new parents. You’re going to need support in exactly the same way. And you’re going to want your child to have a positive relationship with its grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles etc.

I get the reasoning behind it but as long as all parties are sensible and family know that YOU are the caregivers then I don’t see an issue.

And frankly when you have child number 2 and 3, as we did, it’s not possible anyway! Introductions, school runs etc meant that family had to get involved pretty quickly and my three have good, positive relationships with extended family. It did them no harm.

Ground rules first and be sensible but theory is all well and good until you’re in the middle of it!

Safia March 7, 2021 10:59

Like Donatella we largely made up our own minds. We had two older teenage daughters and my MIL was living with us. The first time our daughter (AD) visited as part of introductions on two occasions so met them that way and the second time intros were much shorter and further away - our AD was obviously with us and our eldest daughter managed to visit for the day with her boyfriend but the others he didn’t meet till we got home. My Mum also came over the next day to meet him. However we kept it simple and short and it was a while before we went to other people’s houses. I did meet up with some friends in a park quite soon afterwards and we had a few days away in a caravan fairly soon. I don’t know if that was a good idea but I really needed it. It’s a balance and using your own judgement

Sherman March 8, 2021 08:16

Just to add our family are all local, with the farthest being only about 15 miles away. Thanks everyone for your responses, it's helped to put our minds at ease a bit!

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