Edited 17/02/2021
Advice needed - can my AS put himself back into care?
welshMum3
December 9, 2018 22:02
6 years in to the adoption of my now 12 year old son. He has hit puberty early and recently started high school (which he hates and attendance becoming an issue!). I also started a university course and am away a couple of nights a week. Unsurprisingly he has hit huge issues around his identity and hates being adopted. In summary: he says we are his guardians (not parents though he is still calling us mum and dad) he hates all social workers and says they kidnapped him from his 'real mum' he says he hates me and his dad because its our fault he can't go back and live with his birth mum he says he is running away to find his mum as soon as he is 13 says we were gullible to ever believe he could be our 'real son' thinks children should never be removed from birth family, no matter how bad it gets (he has quite vivid memories of some pretty traumatic things that happened in birth home) Our council have paid for therapeutic life story work (we are incredibly lucky to get this i know!) which started 2 weeks ago and we have all agreed face to face contact must now happen because the threat of him running away is actually quite realistic. his BM only lives around 25 miles away and with facebook etc she will be easy to find. Things feel like they are deteriorating quickly and i just want to know what happens if he decides he wants to go back into care (he has said before now that he should have been left in foster care becuase adoption is kidknapping and he never had any say in it all). he knows in foster care he will have regular contact with birth mum. has anybody had this happen? can he choose to break the adoption down himself?
Bop
December 9, 2018 22:34
In short - yes - but generally they have to say they do not feel safe with you - ie make allegations against you - not nice, but sadly not uncommon. Sometimes, contact with birth families via social media can trigger this sort of stuff. I'd contact your post adoption social work team and see what they can do. ...and do make sure you look after yourselves.
Edited 17/02/2021
Pear Tree
December 10, 2018 09:07
Morning, my son did similar at this age. He said he was going to Nick a camper and go back to bf and rescue them all. You need to get onto the post adoption team and have a word. Also PAC in London might have advice. Bubblewrapped children is a must get book for your situation. I do think sadly you are well represented within adoption as many hit this age and social media makes it impossible for our ac to stay away from bf. In care your child will still be your child, adoption cannot be unadoption. Therapeutic life story work is brilliant but it will throw up all sorts of conflicting emotions. I agree that managed meetin birth mum is much more preferable than he going off on his own so maybe get post adoption to help plan a way forward, meeting bm at Costa coffee in a motorway services in the opposite direction from home. My ad met her bm again she was 16 then but who bm wasnât actually that bothered, it was awful for blossom. She had severed all ties with our families here and jumped ship but faced all that terrible rejection all over again. But she idolises bm to this day. Adoption isnât pretty is it? Itâs so very painful for you and family I know what itâs like. Check out ThePOTATOgroup.org.uk
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123
December 10, 2018 14:03
Sounds like this is one of those cases where direct contact with birth mum might be beneficial. Better he knows what he would be going to if he jumped. If he was six when he came , even if he remembers bad stuff, he may not actually remember as much as one might think. My youngest came to us at that age and definitely had memories, but he asked us years later to tell him again why he was adopted. We did point out that he was already in care due to decisions about his future that were nothing to do with us. And that it was a judge who decides that in this case adoption was the best option. If the life story work is good it will not mince words. Sometimes it's grass is greener syndrome, or wanting to get at parents ( you) when things at home or school are hard. Is there anything can be done about the school situation? It could be at least partly why he talks about gong into care and is so unsettled. We arranged a change of school to one more suited to his needs and that really helped our son, I don't think he would be in nearly such a good place mentally if we had not done that. Also a mentor helped him with organisation etc. Barnardoes do therapy with adoptive kids and are very good. Best Wishes Pingu
Edited 17/02/2021
welshMum3
December 10, 2018 16:04
Thankyou Bop, Pear Tree and pingu123. I have today been in contact (by email!) with Post Adoption Team and with the psychologist about the urgency of arranging contact - psychologist is brilliant and very supportive and is going to write to him with an update on the family situation (which is not good :( ) and a promise to support him on seeing birth mum. it's feeling quite scary but we have always expected face to face contact to be a part of the way we support his needs - just didn't realise it would be this early! School have put a good package of support in for now - he's only doing a certain number of lessons and for rest of time he's in the wellbeing room. he is managing breaktimes and lunchtimes fine on his own. I will be in contact with Potato group as suggested. thanks again xxx
Edited 17/02/2021
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