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Hi rmlilac. I am sure that Adopters will reply to you, but as a Foster Carer can I suggest that you tread very carefully. I know that prospective FCs would not get very far through Assessment if their BC said that they didn't want other children in the house (even if the child was only 5) and I have witnessed one of my little ones moving to Adopters where the BC of 5 was totally opposed to the whole situation. THe little one really suffered. Don't ask me how the Adopters ever got as far as having a child placed, I can only think that they were 'economical with the truth'. If your daughter really is feeling strongly about the situation I would honestly suggest that you delay the process for at least another year. Best practice says that there needs to be a substantial age gap between the children anyway, so waiting for another year, giving your daughter time to mature a little and you time to unravel her fears, really won't be wasted time.

hi thereI can imagine this is worrying for you as had you chosen to have another BC she would have no say in that but yes SW will ask how she feels and will meet her at some point. But set aside what SW say, our BC was elated at the idea but we did have some real upsets from him when LO arrived so if we had started from a negative place it woudl have been far far harder, even unbareable at times.Its not something I have experience of as our BC couldnt wait for a sibling but here are some thoughts. Do you think you could gradually encourage the benefits of siblings: do you have any, maybe recite stories from your childhood, or be creative, maybe when you were young you and your brother/sister used to have piggie back races on your paretns backs, secret missions from the grown ups, playing tricks on them, it was such fun. maybe when you are in the park or playing at home maybe say oo a brother or sister would be so much better at this than mummy, mummy is too big or too old or too clumsy etc. maybe spend time with children with siblings and subtly point out the fun things the siblings do together to sew the seed that sibs can be a good thing. Maybe role play with the dollies, "oo dolly is having a teddy bears picnic but all her freinds are busy this weekend, maybe dolly will have a brother or sister soon who can play dollies tea parties cos grown ups are too old to get child things.You have to tread carefully thogh cos you dont want it to be a constant barage of pursuasion wher infact she ends up truly hating the ideagood luck

As Imp has already said if your BC is not onboard, it may cause problems and raise concerns with your SW.If she is only 5 and you are hoping for a young child, you are likely to get a 2-3 year old so the age gap would be quite small. This can cause problems in itself. Yes I know if you had a BC there would probably be a 2 year age gap, but taking on a needy clingy demanding child who needs your attention constantly would have a huge effect on your BD. She is bound to be jealous and resentful of LO taking up so much of your time. This is why SS usually recommend a bigger age gap of say 4-5 years, to allow you to spend time with LO when BD is at school and of an age where she can understand LO's neediness a bit more.I would start talking to your BD about having a sibling, the pro's and con's. There are lots of books about this mainly designed for BC expecting another baby but they could be adapted as needed. She really needs to at least get her head around you having another child and then that this child might be more needy than an ordinary sibling.

Thanks for the replies. We have tried to outline how good playing in the garden would be with a little brother or sister etc etc. We have also briefly discussed that it doesnt mean mummy will go into hospital and may not be a baby.I am thinking we may leave the questioning linked to reasons why she doesnt want one to the SW. I am just conscious we could push her too much by forcing her to explain why she doesnt want one, she just wont give a reason. I will look at some books and then see what SW suggests when it is our home visits. I think delaying would make it worse for her. She is a very old headed 5.5 yr old with a strong personality!! At the age of 3-4 she was always asking for a baby brother or sister, think we have waited too long

Hi RmlilacWe have a 4 1/2 year old bs and are due to go to panel in May. Regarding the age gap I agree the bigger the better. We are fully prepared to wait as long as it takes and do asmuch research as possible to try as much as we can to ensure the right match for everyone. The stakes are simply to high to rush on with your heart rather than the hard facts.Have you tried coming from it from what it means to be adopting a child rather than having a new brother or sister? It may diminish your daughters fears to fully understand you will not need to go into hospital. Our son has a wonderful understanding of what adoption is. We have used the drip drip approach and used learning opportunities when they have presented themselves such as an adoption theme in a cartoon or a book he is reading. Our sw did do a session with a booklet that was useful. They explored very simplistic ideas of adoption together and he drew pictures about how he imagined his sibling to look like. They also explored what he thought made good parents and why a child may be adopted.We have included him from a big brother perspective. Asking him to help choose some toys when the time comes and helping to decorate the room etc.Recently he has been relunctant to engage in conversation about the possibility of another child. We were worried but have taken his lead and not pushed it however he very casually told his grandparents the other day that he is saving a particular toy for his brother or sister when they arrive The adoption journey is a daunting step for anyone. In my opinion doubly so when you have 1 birth child so tread carefully, read as much as you can, particularly past threads on these boards regarding birth children.Good luck with your journey. Xxx

Sorry just to add that you are still at a fairly early stage so realistically there is plenty of time to gauge and educate you daughter. She will probably be closer to 7 years old by the time a child is placed. Xx

Might be useful?A Sister For Matthew - by Pamela KennedyThis story is suitable for children, ages 3-5. Matthew is getting a baby sister - from China. This story is about a timely topic, and author Kennedy has written an encouraging story for adoptive parents and for big sisters and brothers too. In this comforting story, Matthew learns that his parents will always love him very much. And he also learns that a child need not look like her family to be a part of the family.It also includes a Note to Parents from an experienced child counsellor.

Hi rmlilac We have just finished intros for a 5 year old and we have two older girls 22 years and 12 years,both have been prepared for adoption over seven years and were amazing dealing with the process.However nothing prepared us for the impact it had on our 12 year old who was positively excited before intros she has reacted completely differently to how we expected and emotionally cant handle the change to her family.The hardest part as well is if a birth child is really finding it difficult the feeling of split loyalty for your child and newly adopted child is huge and one of the most challenging things to cope with.I would if possible definately listen to your little one and maybe spend a bit more time preparing her so she can understand more and especially that this baby wont come from your tummy.My 12 year old has had three interviews with social workers starting age 6 and social workers do take birth childrens feeling into account as they fear disruption.Do your very best engage your little girl so she understands perhaps through books and maybe go to a few local adoption support group events with children so she will get used to understanding that other children have adopted siblings then by the time she is asked by a social worker she can speak freely understanding how her sibling will come into your family.Hope it goes well and i do believe younger children can adapt more easily so younger is better.Moo-chin