Edited 17/02/2021
Assessed but not recommended: should we beg?
sassymay
August 11, 2013 22:38
Our situation is that we are a married couple who have been in this adoption process since last November with our Local Authority: starting with open day, then had our subsequent interview and application before Christmas. We did Prep course, then started Social Worker visits in March. It would be no exaggeration to say we''ve had over 20 of those -- a minimum of 2 hours each. In the last couple of weeks we were down to the final detail -- sending in our photographs.In the 9 month adoption process, my social worker was a bit like the kind of TV lawyer that treats you like crap to toughen you up for court. The main source of Prejudice towards us -- it felt like prejudice -- was that we have children already. Anyway, we put up with all the pain -- and there was a lot -- because it seemed to be progressing and would be worth it in the end.Then last week we got the phonecall: we are not recommending you to Panel. The reason given was stress on children we already have. (Incidentally, the children, who were interviewed repeatedly, are very keen. I heard them say this to the social worker. She interviewed them alone -- I eavesdropped!)However, it is hard to argue against a reason that cites the well-being of your birth kids.What adds to our our devastation is why did they decide this now? Why not last year? Now, having told our parents, our work, our kids, our friends, our schools, our neighbours etc... (all interviewed by them) they tell us no go. What can have changed their minds as nothing much has changed our end? The appeal situation looks ineffective and starting again with another Local Authority does not bare contemplating at the moment.A friend has advised me that we should offer to Foster -- short-term/respite/whatever anything they might let us. That they may go for this -- and it gives us something to fill the void, having spent so many hours discussing this prospective possible child. They''ve already said they would consider us for adopting in a couple of years.I honestly think that''s too late for us (age) and because the children wanted a sibling and I wanted to raise them all together.I''ve read that one way of appealing is to make representations to your agency. Don''t know what this means? Any ideas anyone?
Teletubbies
August 11, 2013 23:42
What a shock to be told this at such a late stage with no warning that things might not go according to plan. I really feel for you.I wonder if you might be able to get more information about who has decided not to recommend you & the reasons why. How old are your birth children? I know from experience that they often like a reasonable gap between the youngest birth child & the proposed LAC child.Just a personal thought but sometimes adoption is actually too much for a birth child -in our situation it has caused endless complications & the effect of bringing a severely traumatised AD into the family & her extreme behaviours has traumatised our BD in very negative ways.Try to get more information & perhaps request the social worker & her line manager do a joint home visit to go through all the paperwork with you & to have a frank discussion over what has happened & who is making these decisions. This might help you decide what to do next; whether it's a case of waiting a wile or whether fostering is something you'd really like to consider.Good Luck in whatever you do. I'm just so sorry you went through such a lot before being let down in this way. I'm sure you all feel devastated.
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loadsofbubs
August 12, 2013 07:44
it's often said that the bigger gap the better between birth and adopted children and the concept of raising both birth and adopted children together is lovely but the reality is often very very different. my own experience of trying to get honest answers from social workers to questions I have about decisions they have made is that it is virtually impossible. it might be worth trying the appeal process just for that reason if you don't get honest answers from them when you ask directly. but also might be worth, if you can face it, going to an independent agency as they are often a lot more flexible than LA adoption agencies in the kinds of families they take on.the idea of fostering though, think very carefully about that before acting on it. it is not the same as adopting, your motives for doing it are different to adopting as you are not doing it to increase your own family and if its being looked at as a short cut to adoption (not suggesting you are but have known people who do) then this is a bad idea. plus, having done the adoption prep and home study would not mean you don't have to do it all again, you do, and from scratch as it'll be a different agency (usually) within your LA that deals with fostering and sadly they are often reluctant to share (or accept) information from other agencies. fostering is great (most of the time), but is very different to adoption, comes with its own set of problems and comes with a high level of intrusion into your family life from social workers, and the children have to be parented in a very different way to your own children, and also come with a lot of loss for both yourselves and your children to deal with, something that doesn't always get better with time and experience.
Edited 17/02/2021
Rangoli
August 12, 2013 08:41
Sorry to hear they have out you to such trouble. The best thing is to appeal to the IRM. They are not likley to agree with such a flimsy decision and if they say the agency has to recommend you , it is as good as binding. It will take a few more months but will be a much better route. I think any representation to the agency is sure to fail. They have a buddy mentality and are unlikley to go against one another. You can just cal the IRM and speak to Donall for an informal chat about the process if you want. Good Luck and don't give up!
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tillymint
August 12, 2013 13:39
Hi Sorry to hear your obvious distress. You mention about wanting a sibling for your BCs and I wonder if this is a big issue for the LA. They might be concerned that you have not considered an adoptive child's needs above the wants of your BCs.
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createamum
August 12, 2013 17:49
If you think you can cope as a family with an adopted child then speak to the SW or the SW manager to talk through where they think the issues are. If you still don't agree then you can ask to go to panel with a PAR or brief report. We did this when our SW decided two months before our panel date that we weren't suitable.The panel turned us down due to the hatchet job done by SW in the brief report.We went to the IRM and they concluded that the SW had not fully investigated some areas due to her inexperience. We now have a new experienced SW who is progressing with our home study (started the process in June 2011 hoping to go to panel again in March 2014).
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newmum
August 12, 2013 21:38
I am a Sw in a family placement team and complete assessments on prospective adoptors. I am also an adoptor of 2. No-one should get to your stage and hear they are not suitable. If it is the age difference or birth children issues they will have existed all along and should have been shared with you at the start. also a good Sw should be telling you as you go along if there are any big obstacles or concerns and be up front from the outset. any assessment should not take over 20 visits.I would challenge reasons for not pursuing in writing , asking for evidence and reasons why they are not taking you to panel. mention that no concerns were raised at any stage and you would have expected this. address to family placement team manger. mention IRM.ask for review by them if possible. ask for second opinion meeting with team manager as well as SW. Keep calm and act professional so they hear your concerns and don't judge your presentation as more evidence of not being suitable .good luck!
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sassymay
August 12, 2013 21:58
Thanks for replies. All very helpful and thought provoking. I will take advice with me to meeting tomorrow -- especially to remain calm and civil!Called the IRM and spoke with Donal -- great advice, thanks Rangoli Noticed from IRM stats of last year that they got nearly half the people that appealed to them regarding adoption through to approval -- so that is very encouraging. He also pointed out that if you get this far in assessment, you cannot be denied the right to go to panel -- I hadn't been aware of this. So, feeling a bit better for now, the journey continues...
Edited 17/02/2021
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