Public Forums

I wonder if our new SW is the same as yours! She has also just come on board and is very direct and not sure if our match is right for us!

I have no answers to your questions as we had the same SW throughout stage 1,but if your SW thinks you're going to be refused she shouldn't take you to panel. Aside from it being very cruel to do that to you, it's a waste of time for the panel members.

Our SW seems to think that our previous SW didn't go through things thoroughly with us, or that's the feeling we get anyway, because she wasn't as experienced, so it could be that she's making absolutely sure that you are 100% certain this is for you and know all of the challenges this could bring.

I had a little wobble after our SW expressed her concerns to us as well so I think it's only natural for your husband to start having a little niggling doubt. She is supposed to be the professional and the 'expert' but you know your family better than she does and you know what you can cope with.

Thanks for your reply. Yes you are right we know what we can manage.

My other half is not very good when talking about his feelings and it seems that this process is all about taking about feelings and managing emotions ...

I am worried he might really struggle with the process

Your sw sounds very sensible. What you’re planning on doing will be life changing, not just for you but for your boys. Your lives will be disrupted, and in all likelihood will change beyond recognition,

Adding a child with additional needs and all that entails is, frankly, exhausting. And endless. Mine are now all teenagers but the battles continue .. we’ve got the diagnoses, we have the special Ed but the need for advocacy never goes away.

How would your husband cope in, for example, theraplay where he’ll have to get stuck in? My husband hated it. It helped but made him very uncomfortable. Another man uncomfortable with talking about emotions and difficult things. And there will be a lot of difficult things to deal with.

Good on your sw for her honesty!

12 years ago, half way through the process, we were advised that if we went to panel, sw recommendation would be that we were not to be approved. At the time, I was heart broken and wasn’t accepting of the reason why. (So we waited a few more years)

however, in hindsight and on reflection, it was the right decision. My birth children who were 8 and 12 at the time, would not have managed it.

I thought my birth children were on board too, they were saying all the right things, but it was because I so wanted it to happen I was selling it to them very positively, what I wasn’t saying to them was...

im sorry, I can’t pick you up from school as AD has an appointment, I can’t take you to the panto as Ad has sensory issues and doesn’t like the noise, I can’t come and watch your football today as AD who has sexualised behaviour will be like a bitch on heat around all these boys and their dads! And for this same reason, you can no longer have friends for a sleepover as I need to keep everyone safe. I’m really sorry but your AD was angry today and she has broken your Wii console. Etc etc etc

Please think very carefully about how this is going to impact on your birth children’s worlds.

Thank you for all your thoughts, it has really helped. I feel really user about the whole thing.

Could I ask how many years you waited?

I haven't heard from SW today, although I was expecting it. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I think we are likely to stop the process, although I still really want to go ahead. I feel like I lost someone, I never got the chance to meet and just hoping they will be safe

I would say it’s just the process - it’s very common to be asked to do additional things which may crop up. Sometimes people are asked to do something like Counselling - or to gain additional experience with children - which can take many months. You can also decide to take a beak to think about things yourself rather than simply withdrawing if you are not sure. Again also different agencies differ in their approach. I would not assume anything from not having heard today - maybe SW is just busy or the meeting went on longer than expected. When you do hear try and remain calm about any questions that might have been raised so you are able to ask questions and can fully understand what is being said or what is required

Dear Cook,

Please do take your time to consider what others have replied. Adopted kids need a different way of parenting all through their childhood and beyond. We are in the process of adopting our third child but my other kids are also adopted (with the problems mentioned above including becoming estranged from family and close friends) which in a way makes a huge difference.

We had a 3 year long approval process from contacting agencies that would take us (4 in total) to approval panel. We had 4 social workers, 3 of whom were very senior. The reasons were similar to the ones given to you. SWs really want you to think about adding another kid to your family through adoption. They want to avoid exposing your kids to behaviours they perhaps have never seen. They want to avoid sending a kid back into care or indeed a couple getting divorced because the adopted kid behaviour is overwhelming.

Like in your case, 3rd SW managed to convince husband adopting another child could potentially disrupt our boys placement despite considering we were fairly experienced adopters. In the end the manager of the agency got involved and we worked on our strengths knowing we could withdraw if we as a couple were not convinced it was the right thing for us.

I don’t want to sound negative but this is the reality of children in care. They have suffered and they bring their past with them (like we all do) and it’s not easy for adults let aside kids to cope day in and day out with all the potential disruptive behaviours.

Despite all that I said, we went ahead with the process and got approved to adopt our 3rd kid at the end of last year. We decided that we would only take a very young boy despite knowing the uncertainties of young kids to hopefully facilitate attachment with our boys. We listed disabilities we think we are physically and emotionally able to manage not because of us but because we want to minimise (cannot say avoid as no one can predict the future) the disruption to our boys. We set our own time limit in agreement with the agency on when to stop family finding. We also proactively decided to work at keeping as reasonable as possible balance between reason and emotions.

It’s a hard journey for all but without sounding patronising I think it is harder for families with birth kids.

I wish you and your family the very best.

A