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The SW will interview the step daughter and the ex wife. That may add to the complications.

SW are used to acrimonious relationships but if stepdaughter is liable to come back to live with you then she needs to be supportive. No one would be keen on a child being placed in a household where an elder child does not want him /her there. Maybe worth waiting till she is past being a teenager and found a bit of maturity. Also, the process of assesment is intrusive and personal at times, your husband would need to be prepared for that. You probably need to have a discussion with him on that front, and he with stepdaughter if you are going ahead. But personally I would wait till she is an adult, maybe with her own relationship and a bit more understanding.

Has your husband had counselling to help him deal with this difficult situation with his ex and daughter and how it has affected them all? If not I think that would be a good start and help him get it straight in his own head and able to discuss it less emotively. It might even help his relationship with his daughter and will be seen in a very positive light by SWs. Regarding when to start the process it would probably be better to wait to see what his daughter wants to do after her exams and where she will be living. She is a teenager so probably it won't be long till she moves on into a life of her own. Another thing you need to think about - your husband in particular - is that if there were problems where would his priorities be and how would he deal with it? It sounds like your step daughter may well put him in a situation where he is constantly having to choose - it seems to be the way she is used to. There is nothing stopping you attending an adoption open evening and discussing the situation there to get a feel for things and going through all this would be part of the process anyway but the further along you are to start with the better as SW s might ask you to take a break if they feel you have a lot of unfinished business to deal with

Thanks all for your replies. My stepdaughter is a tricky one. She would love a sibling - was very supportive of IVF and has always said she would like to adopt herself in future - I think she would be supportive of us adopting but she is an attention seeker and we have reached a stage where we are not sure what is true and what is not - I'm sure an opportunity to talk with a social worker would quickly turn into a 'woe is me' conversation if she is given the opportunity. She has a diagnosis of depression and talks about self harming but we have never seen any evidence of this. She's basically a very mixed up kid with in addition to the usual teenage angst and cannot see the good things in her life. She lived with us full time for 3 months 2 years ago and then went back to 50/50 - she has talked about coming and going as she pleases once she starts college. We wouldn't agree to this - we all need routine and structure and my husband is currently saying that he thinks the decision to stay full time at her mums should become permanent. She says life between 2 houses is too difficult and maybe we should make this call for her. I think my husband would benefit from counselling - I don't think he'd agree. There is so much history and he has been manipulated and 'conned' so many times he finds it difficult to take anything his ex says (and to some extent his daughter) at face value. I'm 38 and my husband 48 I think we need to start the process so that we can understand whether this is a door that will be closed to us. If it is I need to get my head around a life that doesn't involve more children and move on. I'm worried about how upset my husband would be if this is the reason we can't proceed and the damage this might do to his relationship with his daughter.

I don't think it is a door that will be closed to you - it's seldom a "no"but rather a process you go through regarding your own life and circumstances and whether it is right for you and how and what you can cope with. I think the idea of insisting your step daughter has a permanent set up is a good idea and you will have a more straightforward situation to deal with - also your daughter might be tempted to play one off against the other if she can come and go as she pleases and this would not be a good set up to bring another child into either

It's the age of the younger partner that would come in to play so at 38 you have time on your side. The process would take time anyway so stepdaughter could be 18 before any placement is made. I sugggest you go to some open evenings and have a chat about your circumstances with the sws there. You could then get an idea of how they might see things without needing to make any commitment at the moment. Depending on your location, you could attend opening events for several local authorities. If you do want to go ahead but they ask you to wait till sd is 18 say, it isn't the end of anything and would give you time to prepare in other ways.