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Hi,

I didn't want to run and leave. It's early days so it's hard to know what's going on in her little head. This could be her being avoidance to the FC. However, There are more experienced parents that will probably comment and give you some more advice.

My LO was happy to talk ,cuddle and play with his FCs. However, two years later and with our arranged meet. He would say hi to them but didn't want cuddles and was calling out for me. I felt awful for them. But, I'm happy his attachment was growing stronger.

Just a word of wisdom. Attachment can take many years to form. What you're taught on the prep courses and read the book, doesn't happen within the first week, month of year. it could take many many years.

A few questions. How old is your AD? Were either her or yourself talking about them on the way home?

I think a lot of it (meeting up with FC) is about helping the child understand people do not just disappear from their lives but still exist and care about them rather than necessarily being about having a long term deep relationship. It must be very hard and strange for the child and hard too for them to know how to act. How was their behaviour afterwards? Did they have any trouble sleeping for example as the effects can show up in that way. Perhaps talk about them using photos and saying “remember we saw X and went to the park” or something. It may or may not bring something up but will normalise it. As for the foster carer - it is part of their role to see children move on and although hard I’m sure they’d rather see a child settled in their new family than pining for them - so try not to worry about the effects on them - for both of you the child is the most important thing.

Hi

Mother to many I am well aware that attachment takes a long time to form. My little one is 4 years old and yes we did talk.about it on the way.home . She did not have disturbed sleep.just as normal.really .Possibly blanking out feelings and yes very early days!! Safia thanks for all your comments and advice too most helpful.

Just to add she didnt run away from foster carer i.just think she saw park activities and wanted to play!!

At 4 years old, she does not understand much about adoption in general and probably had little idea about what this meeting might be for. Maybe she got worried that she might have to leave with the fc? She might have felt overwhelmed and therefore became avoidant. In case you haven't done so already, I would explain the difference between a foster carer visit and staying with you forever to her. I would explain it, so she can imagine it: The fc came to play for a bit, went home, but still often thinks of her and still loves her. You on the other hand are her forever Mummy, you will be there until she is all grown up and even longer than that.

My daughters were 5 and 6 and I used to tell them that they would never have to move families again and that if we moved house, we would move altogether as a family. My little one used to say: "Say it again, Mummy, say it again." The anxiety of possibly loosing everything again never really goes I think. My children rationally know that they will never have to leave us, but the anxiety is so deep-rooted, I can't really get there with words. Time helps.

Hi Cheekycat,

Sorry I didn’t mean to come across as patronising in regards to attachment.

Your LO may ask you random questions a week later about the meet up.

I would not be doing that in the first few weeks at all, what a way to confuse the poor little girl. She needs to be with you and not reminded of her past, it is good to stay in contact and maybe meet later but not on the first few weeks. We are in our first few weeks too and I would not want to upset or confuse my little one, we are working very hard to build up a very strong bond with us. She comes to us for everything and knows we are there to meet all her needs, I would say it is far too soon to confuse them. Even if she asks maybe show pictures but it should be all about you as parents building that bond. I am surprised the FC agreed to it.

Hi GK1309

Just to explain the foster carer visit was organised by our social worker not ourselves! I personally agree with you it was a bit too soon only 6 weeks in but the decision was not ours nor the foster carers for that matter!

Hi chestnut tree

Yes we did explain to her that we are her forever family. I think she is still a little mixed up in her head. Not surprising really as such a short space of time!

Thats crazy, the whole point of the first couple of months are to get used to you, not remember their old life. Do you know why the social worker thought this was a good idea? I do think I would have asked if this could have been done at a later date, unless there was a specific reason that the child must stay in contact with the foster family. How confusing for your little one.

I felt that I needed to come in here and point out that the latest thinking on contact with foster carer is early and then slowly faded out to a level that everyone is comfortable with.

We as foster carers (we fostered first and then became adopters) have moved on two babies (around a year old) to permanency. It was felt that as the children were pre-verbal to help them make sense of what is happening to them we would have weekly visit with them in their home for the first 2 weeks, then a fortnight later, then a month and after that it was up to us and parents. Everyone agreed that the child, who largely ignored us and played with their toys (except strange thoughtful looks from time to time) was much more settled after each visit. It was like they were reassured that we had not disappeared and also we were saying it is ok to be with your new family.

when we adopted our two, 2&3. We fought for early contact with foster carer but she and her social worker were old school and not interesting. Saying that they needed at least six months to almost ‘forget about them’. I was sad for my children as I know in the early days they were confused about where they were. They had already lost so much in their short lives. Why should they have to loose the only good relationship they had ever had.

Op I think your child’s reaction was a good one. While you may not see the effect it will have had some effect. I would keep up the contact that has been arranged. Allow her to see for moving forward in her life that good people and good relationships don’t just disappear. Children can still bond with their new family while being reminded about a previous good bond/attachment.

I was looking for this document this morning when I posted but could not. OP You might find this useful.

http://www.thechildrenwerefine.co.uk/?fbclid=IwAR2-8m5tuDLZ9cuAwGB9KvhzP3cxEwVdUrpiPqFBCEFAG0h742GV43-oMyQ#

I think it's fairly common practice to meet up with the foster carer 6-8 weeks after placement for an hour at a neutral place. My oldest daughter said after a while that the FCs could go home now, whereas my then youngest, now middle, son had a serious meltdown and we had to carry him away kicking and screaming. We've not met them again, not because of that experience, but it wasn't planned and we wanted to get on with life. They send us a card at Christmas every year and we do that too. We always add a few lines about them, not just Merry Christmas.

When we adopted their younger sibling some years later, no FC follow up meeting was set up by social services, possibly because he was so young and we were OK with that. He settled easily and had that been different, we might have considered setting up a meeting with them. She sends him a card at Christmas and for his birthday. We send them a card too at Christmas, again with a few lines about him.

We're very slowly starting life story work. My oldest daughter, now 9, starts asking questions, so we now sometimes talk about her life journey from birth parents via foster carers to us as adoptive parents.

I didn't mean to come across as critical of fc contact. Of course every child is different, but fc contact can be very positive. I have always felt that my children have lost so much that I try to hold on to everything I can. We have never had meltdowns after fc contact, but we have had meltdowns after meeting their siblings. We kept going though and now my children can handle it much better. Both, fc and sibling contact, are giving my children a link to their past and their roots which has been very stabilising.

Hi Bakergirl

Thanks for the paper I will give it a read!

With hindsight, our daughter was 4 at placement and we should have insisted on far more contact and much sooner with FCs. Now she's older she says how terrified she was to leave the only people she had in the world. We did a few calls and letters then a meeting about 6 weeks in but it was nowhere near enough.

The idea that a child should move on from people they love sounds insane to me. When you get married you're not banned from seeing your family anymore. When I left home I felt sad the first few visits as I was homesick. It's totally normal.