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I think the contact with PAS is positive and perhaps you can get the necessary help through them - both for him and you - and school - whether you decide to stay at the same school or change. I think he needs professional therapeutic input and they will know where to get this and hopefully apply for the funding or refer you to suitable services. Good luck - it must be a really worrying time for you but remember he is still very young

It must be very frustrating to try to support your son when school staff are not responding in the way which you find useful!

In terms of the social care referral, the school's safeguarding officer was just following their procedure. I am guessing that by 'they are logging it with social services' you meant that social services are not taking any action…?

When it comes to the sexualised behaviour, I would look at the Sexual Behaviours Traffic Light Tool by Brook which may provide you with some reassurance if the school’s referral to social services resulted in you starting doubting your judgement – it lists which sexualised behaviours are normal and which are not.

In terms of how to move things forward, I would request a meeting with school. I would ask the post adoption support service if they could attend – even if it is only for a few minutes so that they can provide an overview of their involvement/their assessment of your son. I would hope that this would result in the school staff agreeing to conducting the meeting.

At the meeting, I would ask the school to agree a joint support plan regarding:

- The suspected ADHD. Do they have any concerns in this area? Are they going to support your referral? Can they make the referral themselves? I know that some schools have good links when it comes to ADHD assessments.

- Bullying. Given the school’s lack of concerns, I would contact National Bullying Helpline and discuss with them how to proceed with school and how I could best support my child outside school as a parent.

- Sexualised behaviour. I recommend reading Managing Sexualised Behaviour Guidelines by Falkirk Council which outlines what schools can do to support children when they are concerned. I would also do educational work around the subject with my son at home to ensure that any inappropriate sexualised behaviours stop and he does not get in any trouble in the future.

I am guessing that the post adoption support service supports you in regards your son’s behaviour at home. I personally find the techniques listed in “The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting: Strategies and Solutions by Sarah Naish” and “The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton” as the most effective.

Hi Goodyear,

Some good advice above. I would go and see your GP and get a referral for an ADHD assessment as from what you had said this could be a distinct possibility. ADHD can also be comorbid with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) - my daughter has both and is very argumentative (in fact she could start an argument in an empty room!). The good thing is the ADHD meds also have a good effect on the ODD symptoms. I think a meeting with the school would be a good idea as Ped says above - but also during the meeting ask them if they will support you with an EHCP application if your son doesn't already have one. If they won't then you can make the application yourself - we did this - but wait until you have the ADHD assessment first and any social service report as you can send these in with the application form.

When the school says that they have logged it with social services - I assume they mean MASH ( multi -agency safeguarding hub)- in which case you will probably get a call from a family worker who will come and do an assessment (been down this route too thanks to the school!!!) - if this does happen make sure that you get post adoption support involved as it can all be very stressful. You will get a copy of the assessment and can make comments on it if you disagree - ours turned out quite helpful as it identified not only the challenging behaviours that we were dealing with but also the effect our AD's behaviour was having on our birth children. No real practical help came out of it I am afraid - but the school got a copy of it as well and so at least they knew what we were dealing with.

It seems to me that his behaviour is a direct result of him being bullied but as you have not said how old he was when placed - have a look at his background and see if it could be something that he may have experienced in his birth home. If this could be the case then therapy asap will be needed.

I wouldn't hold out much hope with the school I am afraid - in my experience if they don't understand the issues to begin with (re adoption/ADHD/bullying) no amount of "educating them" will ever make any difference. Better to cut your losses and look for a school that is understanding and therapeutic because the last thing you need is years and years of being at logger heads with a school that just will not listen.

Other things to think of - assessments by SaLT and OT . Make sure the OT has experience in developmental trauma/attachment as they can look at any underlying sensory issues that your son may have which will impact on his behaviour. SaLT will identify if he has any social communication problems. ADHD can also be comorbid with other conditions - and quite often if you have one then there will be others - so also keep in mind that ASD/learning difficulties may also be in the mix. My AD was dx ADHD/ODD at age 6 , dyslexia aged 8 and ASD aged 10. It wasn't until we had the ADHD under control that we found all the other stuff as the ADHD was masking it all. My AD's ASD has become more apparent as she has got older and social interaction has become more complex. Also keep in mind that developmental trauma/attachment will also be in the mix but I would go down the ADHD route first - as some professionals only see developmental trauma/attachment with adopted children and refuse to see that ADHD/ODD/ASD could also be in the mix - they don't understand that our children also inherit a lot of conditions from birth family which may be undiagnosed in them. After all there are reasons why birth parents lead chaotic lives and are unable to put their children's needs above their own.

best wishes xx

one other thing to keep in mind is that CAHMs can be a bit hit or miss - they can be one of the professional groups that put everything to do with adopted children down to developmental trauma/attachment and refuse to dx ADHD. So if you can afford to get a private assessment for ADHD then do it - will speed up the dx process and get you access to the meds quicker. The meds are not a cure but they do make life so much more bearable - especially in school. We still see our ADHD doctor on a private basis for yearly check ups - but the meds are prescribed through our GP and so they are paid for by the NHS. xx

Thank you this is wonderful advice . It’s a minefield knowing what the right course of action is in such unchartered territory. We would never think anything like this would ever happen it has blindsided us ! The behaviour is nothing we have experienced at home or any sign of , school just seems to be such a difficult experience for him. However he is happy to go and enjoys it there and thinks he has lots of friends. However he also has this on and off bullying , parents are discussing his behaviour and gossiping and then we hear of these behaviours and the referral .

We have yet to hear from the referral team hopefully we will hear soon as I haven’t eaten much or being able to sleep very well, low level anxiety all day. After everything we have been through to become parents , and all the daily struggles we feel we deal with well, but obviously not perfectly all the time as we are human! it seems such a kick in the teeth and I feel we will be going through some sort of troubles and misunderstandings for his whole school life. Never had issues in nursery at all, it seems school is a bit too much.

Anyway thank you for all the advice we will use it all and hopefully get to the otherside with some clearer understanding of everything that is going on and an easier time, Although I like the school and staff, not sure I will ever 100% trust them after this, which is a hurdle I have to get over. As it will be best for him to stay at this school as he likes it most of the time. Although I don’t think they have one clue about adopted children’s needs I still wouldn’t move him unless he said he didn’t want to be there.

Thanks