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Hi there, Firstly, you are right that you won't automatically be ruled out for being single. They will actually be looking at whether you will be able to cope with 3 children as a single person - delving into support network, work/home balance, finances and that sort of thing. However, I would be very surprised if they accepted your application before you had moved house. Many people are getting matched very quickly after approval now so you will need to be moved and settled well before this - and at the new 6 month approval time limit I would sat that needs to happen before they accept your application. So, after a six month approval process (2 months of training/research, and 4 months of home study), you will go to an approval panel where a board of people will either approve, defer or refuse. Having a no is extremely rare, deferrals mean they often need more info or have issues that need addressing, but most often its a yes. After this the paperwork gets sent to a 'decision maker' who will rubber stamp the decision, but does have the power to overturn things (again, very rare). After approval you may be presented with child profiles from your agency, or if there are no children locally they will add you to the adoption register (database), advise you look in family finding magazines, attend exchange days (networking with other agencies), or possibly attend adoption activity days. One of these routes would lead you to hopefully see a profile of a child that you think will fit into your family. If the child's social worker likes you too, they will pass on the child's CPR (child permanence report) which will detail their history, current needs and contact plans etc.. This is the very difficult bit because it can sometimes shatter the illusion that you may have had when looking at the well presented profile with a beautiful picture. This is the time when many adopters have to say no, because they just cannot meet the needs of that particular child. However, there will be a time when you feel you can meet this particular child's needs - it could be the first CPR or the 20th you have looked at. So if you feel you want this child and the SW still wants you - after reading your report, they will come to meet you. If all goes well you will meet the child's foster carer, and possibly other people who know them (paediatrician, teacher etc..). Then its back off to panel again for 'matching'. After the match is approved you often wait 2-3 weeks until introductions start. These last typically anything between 7-14 days and the idea is that you build up the time you spend with the child gradually and start to get to know eachother. It will involve trips out, visits to your house and sometimes sleepovers at yours depending on their age. Then on the final day they come home with you. You would be expected to have made a commitment to the child before introductions start. This is because you would be introduced as their new family - they would have had lots of perparation work done to help them cope with the move so you have to be sure. You would have to have your child living with you for 10 weeks before you can apply for an adoption order, then you have to wait for reports and a court date. moving in to a court date can take as little as 6 months, but is often longer due to delays. You can do all the normal family stuff, but she would still have her own surname until an adoption order is granted. You can claim for family allowance and tax credits from the day she moves in with you. Hope this helps :-)

Thanks Starlight. Your reply is very helpful. I can understand why it would be best if I move before starting the process as that obviously shows my commitment to the adoption and proves that I'm serious about offering a forever home. Tbh I don't think 3 kids will be too different to having 2! Lol! As a single mum people always say "oh I don't know how you do it!" You just do!!! Lol! I love my boys and do what it takes to ensure they're taken care of, looked after and know they're loved. I'd do exactly the sake with any other child who came to join us. The main worry I have about adding another child is "what if I paint her room the wrong colour!" I've got 6 weeks left on my probation period at work so as long as that goes well and I pass then I'll be taking the next step towards moving so would be hoping to start the adoption process as soon as possible after that. I notice you said that the 6 month process is usually 2 months training and 4 months home study. What sort of training and studying are you expected to undertake? Thanks again for your reply

Also, when the reports get done (assuming to make sure I'm "normal" etc!) do they speak to my own children and my parents to see how they feel about things?

As Starlight says, it is likely that you will have to have moved into a new house before you would be taken on. I know people who were delayed going to adoption panel to be approved because their extension hadn't been totally finished. I guess there may be ways around this, although I've no experience, such as if you live in a 3-bed house & your boys share a room leaving one room free. Not sure. One thing I did want to stress is that while you may have a say on gender and age range, you do not get to meet the child in advance of making a decision about their suitability. You need to make that decision from the paperwork alone - unless you have met them already at an activity or exchange day. You only meet them, as Star says, after a panel has approved the match which is shortly before they come to live with you. I hope it all goes well for you and good luck!

Thanks Vicky. I'd be moving from a 2bed to a 3 bed so my boys already share and are happy to keep doing so if it means they can have a sister!!! I'm a bit nervous about choosing a child based on a piece of paper but I'm assuming their info has their entire history on it? I am aware that there's a need for adopters to consider children with additional needs or health problems and I have to be honest and admit I don't think I'd be able to do that. I do feel really bad saying that because I wouldn't dismiss my birth kids if they had any such needs. I think if I was just a single person with no other children I'd definitely consider a child who had special requirements but as I've already got children, I don't want them to feel pushed out or forgotten about if the additional child needs xyz etc. (I feel so horrible saying that!!!!) I think as long as I can discuss the potential child with my family and try to see which one would fit in best with us and who we are most suitable for it'll be quite exciting to know all about her before we meet her!!!! I know I've got a long road in front of me but hopefully I can prove I've got a good environment and awesome wee family waiting!

If you look at the First4Adoption website it gives you lots of information about the process and what it entails. And yes they will want to make sure your kids would be ok with it and get references from family members and friends (some face-to-face). It is a long and thorough process that can be longer than 6 months. There will be lots of waiting too. And while 3 kids may not seem to be that much different to having two you need to remember that the child could (is likely to) be damaged in some way because of their background. Just be aware that social workers will want to see evidence of a strong and robust support network!

I think I've popped onto that site. I'll have to start taking proper note of the web addresses! My parents are amazing!!!! I went back to uni as a mature student and honestly couldn't have done it without them!!!! They live close by and are the best parents I could wish for! My boys adore them and love going to visit! We're a close family and hopefully we'll be "good enough"!

To be honest I think you have some work to do, choosing the right colour for the bedroom will be the least of your problems. Adoptive children are very different to birth children, you need to understand where they come from, the damage and trauma they have experienced and think very hard about the impact on your birth children. You will be hard pushed to find that perfect little girl of your dreams, with no additional needs. you will also have to accept a great deal of uncertainty about the future of an adoptive child. You will need to think very carefully about how you will support your family, you will be expected to take quite a bit of time off work to settle a child in, what are your adoption benefits at work, what is the qualifying period. Don't rely on benefits being available to support you, I know these things take time to change but there is a lot of talk about restricting child benefit to the first two children, who knows what will happen to tax credits. I'm a single mum with one adopted son, he is a dream compared to many adoptive children, but he is hard work, and needs a lot more input and support than your average birth child. I'm not saying it can't be done but I think you do need to think very carefully about the impact on your birth children

Sorry I know that I'm out of synch with your replies! I just wanted to say that I know how you feel as I have a birth child too and am going through the process now. However I'm really not sure that there are many/any children up for adoption who do not have special needs of some kind. They will all have been damaged in some way. I'm not trying to put you off, just trying to be realistic. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks Serrakunda. I've talked to my eldest (9) about how he's feel about a sister coming to live with us and why she wouldn't grow in mummy's tummy etc. as I'm just taking toe steps into the waters of adoption I'm only at the very beginning of the information stage and still have plenty more to find out and learn. Kids aren't easy - whether they're your own, adopted, surrogate whatever. I've raised both my boys on my own, put myself through uni and am now working. I've heard some horror stories about adoption and some success stories and all of them interest me. At the end of the day, every child deserves a family and they deserve a family who will love them, look after them and do whatever it takes to keep them safe, healthy and happy. I'm not under the impression that the first report I see will be my perfect child. If a child is being suggested as an adopted child then something has happened to get them there and that has to be taken into consideration. That's why even though child 1 may be the best child for me, if it's child 97 who we are the best family for then it's child 97 I would try to be matched with. I'm more than prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure that whatever child I am lucky enough to adopt will have all the love and support she needs. As for the benefits side of things, I'm not too bothered about that but it's something I couldn't find info on. I'm entitled to adoption leave through my work and would happily have that put in place and get some quality settling in time with her. Re: colour of bedroom - I'm not sitting her with colour charts, I just don't see myself not being willing or able to provide any support the child would need and want to ensure that if/when we get to bring her home with us, that everything is there to make her feel like she belongs and it's her house too

Vicky - yeah I know what you mean. Issues like developmental delays etc don't phase me. My eldest has additional support needs at school and I pushed for a dyslexia assessment for him cos something wasn't quite right. Things like that don't really bother me as it's all about helping the child and making sure the support they need at school etc is given. The needs I meant are complex health issues. I've seen websites with profiles of children and there are needs including tracheostomy tubes, cerebral palsy, FASD etc. I honestly do think I would really struggle and yes, if my birth child had an issue like that it wouldn't even be a discussion, you just get on with it. That's why I feel really guilty saying that I don't think I'd consider a child with a complex issue. If anything they'd probably be in more urgent need of a forever family!! As I said, I'm at the very beginning of my journey and it just depends on what children need adopting when I reach that stage! Lots of research to be done!!!!

Its great that you are asking questions and are willing to learn, asking your children how they feel about a new sister is fine, but to be honest they can't really understand the issues around adoptive children and ultimately as the adult, you are taking the risk. You said that you wouldn't want your boys to feel pushed out because a new child needs 'more' but this is a very real possibility. My son has been with me for two years, I consider us one of the success stories, I'm not going to give you a horror story to try and put you off, but I cant emphasise enough how difficult it is to hold down a job as a single parent with an adoptive child, you already have two. I work part time, my son goes to special school and is very happy, i dont have lots of appointments like some people do, but its his emotional needs as much as anything that suck the life out of me.

I see you are getting loads of answers to your questions. I adopted 2 children together about 8 years ago and then we adopted another child a year ago - going from 2 children to 3 was pretty huge! It was more the age gap that I found hard - having two older ones and then a little one. Not impossible, but much much harder than I anticipated. Also, as others have touched upon.. in the assesment phase many people worry about things like 'development delay', 'learning difficutlies' or specific conditions. These may or may not feature in your child. But one thing that is pretty certain is that they will have some level of attachment difficulties or developmental trauma. This is the stuff that doesn't really fit a box, and it doesnt go away with a bit of extra support or attention. I would really recommend that prior to applying to adopt you do some reading on this; No matter what by Sally Donovan, The boy who as raised as a dog by Bruce perry and building the bonds of attachment by Dan hughes are good starting points. Also see what training is happening locally to you on this subject. Not only will this give you lots of extra knowledge but it will also really impress the SWs when you apply!

It's not just a case of the child possibly having some learning need. It's also about how they might relate to you and your other children. They may be rejecting or withdrawn, their feelings may show through very difficult behaviour. They could find it hard to build positive relationships. At the very least they are likely to feel deeply insecure and distrustful. They may resent the attention you pay your sons and want you to themselves. They may not know how to play or have no respect for your possessions. They won't simply be grateful and happy. And even if they appear easy going, this could actually be masking deepseated feelings that come to the fore later on, say at puberty. I an not trying to scare you off, these are just some of the realities you could face - and even with a child who is very young at placement. Definitely do some reading and research. Good luck.

I think there's obviously going to be a settling in period if I am successful - as much as wed all like it to be an easy peasy life, it just isn't! Lol! I don't mean to sound rude but you said your son is your only child? Did you expect the "outcome" that you have or did you think it would be easier? (Trying not to sound cheeky!! Lol!) I am thinking the whole process through very carefully and it's taken me three years to decide that yes this is definitely something I want to know more about. Already having two children, I know to expect tantrums, sibling fights, stubbornness, naughtiness, fussy eating, pinging Lego across the floor to see how far it'll go and no social life - but I love it! I have one night a week where I run a brownie and a guide unit in a nearby village and encounter girls from a variety of backgrounds and the rest of my time consists of work, school runs, homework and kids - and I love it!

You said you don't think you would consider a child with complex needs and I appreciate that. However, the child's needs may not come to the fore until long after you have adopted them. There is also the fact that a number of adopters have actually had vital information deliberately withheld from them by Social Workers. It actually happened to us. Not saying that's an everyday occurrence, but you need to be aware that it does happen, could happen and that, for a whole variety of reasons, you may not end up with the child you hoped/thought you would.

Yep, I spent months reading up on it and the adopters advice/opinions on here are invaluable. Check out that website I mentioned earlier (they seem to have improved it since I last looked) & also the baaf website. I hope you manage to find out everything you want to know & that the LA and agencies get back to you soon. Your LA will probably have an information evening which may help too - that's where my journey started!

Thanks Starlight - I'll definitely have a look for those books. The more knowledge the better! I'm more than willing to do any research/reading/training etc and obviously the more knowledge and info you have the better an understanding too! Hi milly, I understand what you mean. My eldest son has actually been assessed by CAMHS as his behaviour was getting out of hand. After a year of assessment I was advised that there was no definitive diagnosis (not really what I went for anyway!) but I did get some really useful tips and tools to use to help calm him down and to explain things in a way he can understand etc. I have no problems in dealing with a difficult child and I'm the type of person that will always ask for help if I need it rather than struggle on alone. With my eldest, the emphasis from CAMHS was on trying to get him to fit a diagnosis whereas the emphasis for me was how can I help him. I'm not a fan of labels but if I can find away to help my kids and to help me understand the reasons behind their behaviour then I'll do whatever I can

Vicky - my LA are sending me out the info pack for prospective adopters so hopefully that will have some more info or details of anything specific they have going on. Hi Madrid - I think it's a bit unfair if there is information being deliberately withheld. How can you know you're the best fit for that child if you don't have all the info? As for conditions appearing later on in life, that can happen with any child and it can't always be forecast. There's always a possibility of something cropping up as the child develops but considering the process of egg to baby I'm still amazed there are so many healthy children born! Thanks for the post tho, good to know to not take the written report as everything x