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What is love? That is a big deep question. I suspect however that you already feel this love for your ac as you care enough to ask. Got me thinking though. Love. Its sort of an umbrella word isn't it. Its that feeling protective towards them. When someone says something stupid about your child and the indignation you feel. Its the making sure they are fed watered and clothed. Its the asking how their day went, if they are ok? Its the silly little thing the child does that grates but if anyone points it out then little thing becomes the thing we adore about them. Its the kindness we show to them when they least deserve it. Its the patience we have with them when we ask them to do the same thing for the zillionth time. Its in every little action we do for them. Its being there for them minute after minute. Getting carried away now. I suspect if someone challenged you and tried to take your child you would fight them to the death.

Honestly I think it can vary from person to person, child to child.I guess I loved my eldest within months of giving him. Initially I just felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of having this tiny person so dependent on me and who, it seemed, didn't really want me.With my second son it all happened really quickly. One night I just looked at him in his cot and I knew. I adored him then and still do. Thankfully. Because given everything we've been through I needed that to keep me going.My daughter was an alien species when she was placed. Nothing about her felt right. Even nappy changing felt strange. The boys had boy shapes. She was round, soft, and just completely different. And militantly independent which made getting close to her difficult. And she was never a cuddly baby either ( now diagnosed ASD). It was a very slow burn and took 3 years to really feel it. And to mean it when I said 'I love you.'She's been here for approaching 7 years now and I know I love her. Still find her little quirks annoying/irritating on occasion but now I know she can't help it and so it's easier to adapt and overlook certain traits.Even when I want to scream!Not sure if this helps or hinders?

I think the question I always ask me myself is do I prefer life pre Simba or post Simba?I had a good life before him. My life now is unrecognisable. He is a number of extremely irritating behaviours, we have just had three hours of awful behaviour at the hospital, you know the kind of stuff where all the other parents of much younger children, and obviously much better behaved, are looking at you. He has now set out on repetive chanting which I know will not stop till he goes to cubs at 7, I am exhausted, I wish he would just be quiet. I could quite cheefullly walk out of the door. But we have so many more good moments that I prefer this life to the old life. I suppose its the little things, feeling really proud of the very small achivements. Being pleased to see him when he gets home from school.8 months is still quite early days still, and you are still there, committed to her, hopefully the theraplay will help. Hang in there

I'm only four weeks in so it's probably not my place to comment yet, but one massive leap forward for me was when she was really ill last week... I knew at that moment if someone had given me the choice to be that ill myself instead of her having to go through it, I wouldn't have had to hesitate.

I think kstar has a point about illness. I remember sitting in A&E with my EDD on my lap for 5 hours waiting to be seen. She had a very high temperature and was vomiting and collasping into sleep and I felt this huge protective surge for her. She was so little and vunerable and I knew then that I would die for her if I had to. A real turning point as when they are ill they really need their Mum and who doesn't like being needed.

A few months into placement with our two I was talking to my mum about this. I said that I didn't think I was the right person to take care of them because they deserved to be properly loved, to be the most important people in the world to someone.My mum told me that because I wanted to love them that much I would eventually do so.I think that's true for you too. You want to have that feeling of absolute love for your little one, so eventually you will. I can't say how long it will take, though. Maybe you will get a sudden lightning strike, and maybe your love will grow over time. But, if you want your child to become the most important person in your world, that's what will happen.

Three years in and I have no clue some times if I love cp or not. Certainly I feel like her carer a lot of the time I reckon most mums do tbh whether adopted mums or birth mums. Isn't that what we all do cook clean wash wipe away tears and so on. Kids do and say mega annoying things whether you love them or not. Adopted kids are annoying but aren't birth kids too?It's early days for you still and I find myself wanting to say to you chill out, stop analysing yourself ,your little one and when or how love will come. It will come in time maybe next week maybe 3 years maybe tomorrow. Try and relax about it it seems like you are doing the right things and have good support with theraplay to help you bond.

I am 100% committed to my children, for me adoption is about commitment not so much love whatever this means. I do not put pressure on myself that I -have to- love them. Caring for them, trying to meet their needs is really good enough. Both of my children have serious special needs, I pressume it is not easy to love children with who you never 'just can be', totally relax.Some of you might understand what I mean.

Hi loopylouzWe have private messaged you to offer support.With kind regardsBarbaraHelpline Adviser

You are still so early into placement, I hope you aren't putting pressure on yourself, you and your little one are going through a massive transition. My parenting fits the Dan Hughes PLACE model, it has worked wonders for us and DS and we have a lot of laughter and fun together as I try to remember the advice of Dan Hughes. It helps me to reign in my stress and triggers.In our family using this approach and the building of memories really supported love to develop. I think it really is a mindset as being a single parent is tough and its hard running a home, holding down a job, being the only person responsible for all appts. administration work in the home, food shopping, bringing home a salary. Completing all those kind of tasks is time consuming and often boring, and those kind of tasks seem to double when you have a child. Those are the things I find the most challenging and time consuming. So it would be easy for the weight of these things to get in the way of building bonds of affection and love with our children. I know thats not what you have said, I'm just saying that as a single Mum balancing everything on our own I think it must make it harder to find the time to feel relaxed enough to live in the moment and not be worrying about everything else. I have to be very conscious of telling myself to relax about things.I also agree that lots of Mums feel like a carer, that is part of our role, and adopters of children may feel it more than others, we haven't built up to it, we suddenly have someone who needs a lot of care, and who also creates a lot of work in the homeRegarding the "irritating" behaviours are you able to try and just let them go, view them as part of her and her personality? My son has lots of irritating behaviours, more so when he is stressed, my response also varies depending upon my stress levels. But that is where I listen to Dan Hughes in my head telling me to use Acceptance, my son needs to feel accepted as he is. I chose adoption, not him. Please do a search of the boards as it may help to confirm that your feelings are very normal, and things may well indeed start to feel better and better as time goes by.Best wishes.

Hi thereThanks to those who have taken the time to reply to my post both on the boards and via private messages. It does really help to know that others may have been there and also to read what your experiences have been like and what worked.Those of you who say I need to relax and stop analysing myself are totally right....I'm not very good at this....waking up in the night feeling so desperate for things to change and wondering how I can manage this...but you just find a way to get through. I am resilient and determined for this to work and take your advice on board. I think you're right about not forcing the love...it will happen when the time is right and until then I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and find a way to deal with the irritating things more constructively. I am reading the PACE book which is helping.Thanks againLoopy

Perhaps, like beauty, love is in the eye of the beholder... If you look at a/your child and see what makes her special, her efforts to thrive, if you can share her enjoyments, feel what she feels... this is love as much as caring or worrying for her might be. Your love will shine back to her.If you're halted by her weird behaviour, her lack of positive energy, a poor connection with her... there might still be deep love behind all the questions marks attached to your experience of her, so don't beat yourself up on this. Maybe you're currently focusing too much of the negatives, your child doesn't meet your expectations and you don't know how to bond with that little stranger (who's probably testing your love as we write). I don't think you should shut up and put up, maybe just slow down, think of what you two both enjoy and work out how you can have fun together. Don't be just a carer... Or perhaps you also need third party advice, someone who helps you see through what irritates you?