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HiHave you found out if there is an Adoption UK group near to you? This would be ideal for you. Twenty years on I still have three good friends as a result of AUK.Lily x

Hi there, Are you members of a particular parish? We got to know a number of adopters and FCs in our immediate community through our local parish.And the suggestion about the AUK local groups is spot-on; we went to a group meeting and through people we met there got to know other adopters who lived closer to us.Of course there's always the boards here, you are never alone in this community!

LilyHow do you find your nearest group as I would also like to get to know more people being older adopters (I am 45 and DH is 42) we have experienced the same as Baby Badger.Much appreciate any information...ThanksDeelee

Hello, congratulations on the arrival of your daughter! I know how you feel, my DD is 3.5 now but I started toddler groups with her as a new Mum when she was 2. I found most of the Mums had little gangs who had got to know each other through pregnancy groups so already had solid friendships. I was extremely lucky that 2 of the Mums in my road saw me about and I got talking to them, asked to walk to groups with them and still have the occasional play date, keep an eye out for someone who looks friendly and start a conversation. I had the added stress my DD used to hit out all the time, used to feel the pressure of the stares from other Mums who judged her and wanted to take them aside and say "if only you knew what my DD has been through" (but didn't obviously). I found soft play and music groups a bit easier as there was less pressure to be sitting around - although you still have the gangs of Mum's who stick together, I threw myself into running around after DD. I have made 1 new very good Mum friend over the last 18 months and several Mums who we stop and chat too from the groups. Give it time and hopefully you will click with someone! PM me if you would like to talk more x

I am no longer a member of AUK but at the back of the magazine there used to be a list of coordinators across the UK who could be contacted and many ran groups. If the magazine no longer has this information phone the AUK Helpline and ask them to give you the information for your local area.Lily x

Hi Baby Badger,I also feel isolated and older than the mums at my children's school. We do not have a local AUk group but I am thinking of going to the nearest one and maybe getting some advice about starting one in our local area. If you are a member of AUK the local group information is in the members area of this website. Good luck

I'm 44, so can understand a little how you feel. Seems all the mums at the school gate are much younger (our LO is just 5).Does your LA post adoption support organise coffee groups? Ours does but bizarrely I only found out by accident a month ago - no SW had thought to tell me! Might be worth asking.

Hi thereI was fortunate enough to know some adopters, who know some adopters and so a network developed. I know of some adopters who were put in touch by their social workers (placed by same local authority) and I know some who were put in touch by health visitors so would suggest those routes if there are no local groups. Do you also know about an organisation called After Adoption who operate in some parts of the country?As an aside, I know it can be isolating and I too am an older mum. I wouldn't give up on getting to know some birth parents. Some of my closest enduring baby friends are birth mums who I met at play groups.All the very best

My Health Visitor put me in touch with another adopter which has made a huge difference to me.I agree it would be hugely helpful to you to know other adopters, not just " older mums"' Its very common to feel isolated, and the adoption factor makes it feel worse as early in placement you can feel very odd as you get used to the fact you are suddenly a mummy without having had the physical experience that other mums have had. i felt like a fraud!! Another adopter will also understand what you have been through to get where you are now, and why you fret about things that other mums don't.Good luck

I felt this too - it got much better when Los were settled enough to go to pre-school and I met other mums there. I would suggest 'playing the field' until u find a connection u and your lo enjoy. Mayb google search children's activities in your area, or mums.net might have suggestions. Local library often has singing and reading. I found going swimming same time each week I saw same mums who were nice and it was good bonding time with Los too. Hope u find connections soon. X

I found that mums at DS's nursery were not really up for friendship in the way that schoolfriends' mums have been (sorry, I know that not all adoptive parents have such positive experiences of schoolyard camaraderie, but I have found it really supportive). Nursery mums are often so harried, just rushing to drop off and pick up kids, no time to chat and also no set times to hang around waiting.My first supportive friendships were mums at church, as well as some colleagues with small kids who understood the adoption layer as they'd been through it with me before placement. I did an AUK coffee morning, and everyone was friendly, but didn't feel so understood as a singlie as I had hoped.

I found this too, even though I was only 34 when Munchkin was placed. Everyone knows people from their anti-natal classes and from going to these groups with babies and meeting the other Mums with similar age babies. It's really hard to break in to when you're suddenly there with an approaching 2 year old.I found some groups more friendly than others, but none were very welcoming really. In the end I did have to be a bit pushy, and I added a few of the Mums I'd had a few conversations with at playgroups on facebook - not something I'd normally do with people I'd only spoken to a handful of times. It did help though, as I do have a few Mums I meet regularly now at play groups and a soft play centre. Oddly, once they realised Munchkin was adopted ("we all thought she was really yours, she's so lovely, and she looks just like you [she doesn't]!) I found they were a bit apologetic for not being friendlier sooner and actually despite being a bit nosey at times, I've found them quite a good source of support and a lot more understanding than some friends and family have been about the difficulties of adopting compared to having your own child.The church that runs the play group I now use have also been quite supportive, although I'm not religious and sometimes feel that they are attempting to convert me at what they see as a difficult time. I did comment to one of them that it was quite hard to "break in to" toddler groups when you've got an older child, and they have since started making more of an effort to introduce new Mums who go there with older kids, which has helped me to meet a couple of people new to the area who are also not part of a "regular group" of Mums.Perhaps you could speak to the organisers of your local play groups and explain you're a new Mum in the area, you don't even have to tell them you've adopted if you don't want to, and ask them to introduce you to other Mums with similar age children?It's something I always dreaded doing, as much as I've wanted children for a very long time, even when I thought about taking biological children along. I find big groups of women quite intimidating, I don't have a lot in common with most women, don't watch TV, or have any girly hobbies, or a lot of tact at times! It's not easy.

Yes I've been there too as an older awkward new mum and very uncomfortable over my dd's quirky behaviours. I agree with Garden that it can be about what you project. I knew I was my own worst enemy in that regard but just couldn't chill. In the end I went to the more organised type of thing - swimming lessons etc- as that felt so much more comfortable than a free for all toddler group. Also went to my local adoption group - that was like coming home! I made the mistake though of going to activities not in my immediate area which meant I never really got to know other local mums till my dd went to nursery. That worked as there was a park nearby where we all hung out. (but true friends were hard to come by as dd's behaviour continued to be an issue, have got on much better with my second, outwardly totally normal dd)I think it gets easier slowly as you grow in confidence as a parent, and the longer you have the child. For me, having my child for more than half their life so far was important, but that's just me being a bit random! Another factor for me was realising that not everyone at these groups are in fact the parents - there were nannies, childminders, grandparents etc, which made me feel less of a fraud somehow.

It gets easier with time, once your LO starts school nursery or school you will soon find at least a couple of people you get on with - that might seem a way away now so in the meantime if you can find or even make a group of adoptive mums (eg maybe through netmums?) that might really help. I know when I found the AUK group in my area it was a MASSIVE relief...

Can you try a different group - I went through a few before I found one which had a few older mums .also I found that structured groups - rhyme time etc - were better for getting to know others , as less pressured and awkward .If I was doing it all again , I would be more assertive and ask my social worker or local auk coordinator if they knew of anyone in same situation that they could put me in touch with, as it can be really hard going to toddler groups where no one chats to you.Elma.

Hi Baby badgerI've PM'd you.RLB