Archived Forums

I think I would insist on keeping them in. For me it would be like saying to someone who had a birth child, remove photos of when you were pregnant, or the baby's christening.good luck. Shame your mum can't accept that in this situation you are the expert and know whats best for your son and your family

Mum's are tricky aren't they!I feel that sticking to your principals & family values is important. Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of & as a family you have every right to be proud & to celebrate. You reasons to keep the photos and captions in are valid; you're organising it & you've prepared the photos so I feel your mum will just have to 'get over it'. As Serrakunder says you wouldn't remove all pregnancy & Christening pics.Stay strong; don't let it upset your enjoyment of the family do & I'm sure your mum is worrying for nothing about it taking over as the sole topic of conversation..........family are just too tied up in their own news especially if there's a lot of catching up to do & they haven't all met up for ages!!Good luckWe all understandStay firmTeletubbies x

What about asking your son what he thinks? After all he and you are the important ones here, not what every one else thinksSuze x

It sounds like your mother has an issue over adoption and, in my view, is unreasonable in projecting that on to everyone else ie it is highly unlikely that they will all want to discuss it at length, or even at all, considering it is old news in your family. Perhaps she is thinking of someone in particular? ( eg someone who has grandchildren who are all birth kids, to whom she feels inferior?) I think you should do what feels right for you, although given the age of your son, also definitely ask him how he feels too. Then if you decide to keep the adoption references, let your mum know this is what you have decided, so she can mentally prepare for the event.

Hi. Being out and proud about adoption seems to be a modern concept But I can't see how it's not key to everythingCelebrating success of how far he's comeYou've come as a familyLet alone the core identity stuffWellI think you're right.I wonder if you might have a giggle and suggest other ways he might have arrivedAlien invasion?Rescued by mike the knight and delivered to FIM?

Perhaps she feels that with 'adopted' he's not as fully in family as the others are and she wants that for him?

Have to say I'm in two minds about this. Not because of anything that your mother says but because I know that my son would hate for me to draw attention to his adoption. We've always been open about it and its never been a secret however when he went to high school last year he made it clear that it was his story and he would be the one to decide to tell or not.He's quite comfortable with his adoption and it really isn't a huge part of who he is. He's just not that interested in it. And so for those reasons I wouldn't go ahead and make a big thing of it without talking to my son first.

Interesting don,My son has several times decided not to sayYetOver a few weeksHe can't help himself but tell peopleWhich I've been annoyed at! Because trying to keep silent for his request is hard, especially with trauma related needs...!So we've got an understanding now and he does tell most people

My boy is 12 and he's old enough now to make some of those decisions for himself. He mixes with other adoptees but tbh they're more interested in talking about minecraft than adoption.It may change when he gets older but it has made me more circumspect about what I tell people.

Maybe your Mum is just wary of having his private life on display at a 'public' event? Who knows, it's impossible to say without hearing exactly where her concern is coming from. Really though, your son is all that matters. If he is comfortable with this particular display of openness, then there's no issue. Just tell your Mum this is exactly what HE wants; if her fears are indeed about his feelings and his right to privacy, then that knowledge will allay her fears. The comparisons with photographs of pregnancy are interesting. For me, it can't ever be as black and white as that – i.e. saying that photographs of a pregnant Mother and a birth (though I don't think we'd include pictures of an actual birth in a family collage - that would definitely be considered unnecessary!) are just the 'same' as photographs depicting arrival in a family via adoption. It's not about the two dimensional stuff (i.e. the photographs and captions), it's the thoughts/feelings they invoke in the person that matter, and the response (“people might see this as an open invitation to talk to me about this, and right now I just want to party, and be me, and not actually be arsed talking about it” sort of thing). Both 'places' (whether you've become part of a family by birth or by adoption) are (obviously) of equal value, however the situations aren't the 'same'. I think it's too easy, too simplistic, to assume that her stance means she has 'issues' around adoption. I'm loathe to assume, but I'd be willing to bet she has a very good relationship with your son. Nor can you treat openness over a subject as an indicator of having no issues around that subject – over reference, and over expression of 'approval', can be indicators of underlying issues!I hope you all enjoy the party; it'd be a shame for this to overshadow it for any of you.

If it's a family event I assume everyone knows and this is just normalising it. I think ignoring it, esp now son has seen it, would not be good. However, maybe you should ask him? Perhaps in an indirect way, talk about the photos and the people in it and see if something comes out that way which might indicate he's unhappy. Otherwise leave it alone!

Hi FIMHe's big enough to decide what he wants to have happen isn't he - I can't believe, knowing you, DH and having met DS once, that he would not have felt comfortable enough to have told you if he did not want those photo's and captions on display at this family event. So I think you should talk to him about it, ask for his take on it , be honest about what his grandma thinks and has said, and if he still wants the stuff on display, ask him to talk to grandma about it.If she is concerned about his privacy, to hear from him about being out and proud re his adoption, will absolutely allay her fears for him - If he decides he does not want it on show, then decision made and he could also talk to grandma about that too - even thank her for asking you to re consider.It needs to be his decision FIM.Jellies x

Hi FÝM Ý think as others have said that this could be his decision to make. To be honest whilst my childrens adoption is not a secret it is not something emphasised by me plus as my dd's are now 17 and 12 they do not like to be marked out in any way.Hope you have a great event ....Jofran

I guess it depends what you think the word "issue" means MGM. Of course people who say nothing could have issues. But people who do speak out must have some thought or feeling about it. Doesn't have to be a deep psychological thing - may be something simple like worrying other people might think the child doesn't quite belong to the family if their adoption is emphasised. I am not suggesting she needs counselling or psychoanalysis.

As others have said, I'd talk to your son about it.I obviously don't know what your mum thinks but it may be that she thinks your son shouldn't be labelled as your 'adopted son' because he is simply your son. I have a step-niece that everyone knows is my step-niece but I always refer to her as my niece. It may be something like that?Your son is old enough to make a decision on this that your mum can't really argue with. I hope this doesn't stop you enjoying your family event.

Yes, asking DS what he thinks would be a good option except for DS's current Jekyll and Hyde tendencies. If I ask him he'll use it to spoil the whole occasion, which has happened before. Jellies is right that as he knows, he would have no problem in telling me not to mention the adoption in a variety of four letter words. If it was DS's party and his friends were going, then regardless of the personal abuse that would come my way I wouldn't include it, but it is part of our family and I'm not going to deny it, hide it or allow DS to even think its a no-go topic amongst family. The caption is more about DH and his experience of adoption and so I feel his opinion needs to be considered. I think my mum is just stuck in the attitude that adoption once legalised doesn't need to be mentioned again and we just have to agree to differ. Thanks for the variety of opinions, it really made me think about what DS would want and if I should ask him, but giving him the power/control over this event is just not going to work

it's a strange one...For various reasons my ADs are obviously not my BC. But they don't like it referred to. For YD I am more her mother than BM. For ED she is loyal to BM and to me - and doesn't see why she can't be daughter to both - in a different way to each.All of which I agree with.And I also agree that there is nothing to hide...

I found some more photos I want to include and one is actually with our son trying on the judge's wig!I asked him if he was ok about me including it and he said it was ok. So I feel I was spot on with how he feels about his adoption and wonder now why I doubted myself.