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I don't think people mean to be unkind or even intrusive. But they will be curious and are bound to ask questions when a little person just appears out of the blue. And yes, people often get the terminology wrong but that's more ignorance than anything else.With my second and third I chose to be open and honest. Didn't seem to be much point in antthing other than that. My son was already in school, most parents of his class mates knew he was adopted anyway and tbh people were just generally thrilled for and just wanted to share our happiness.Adoption is a bit different and it will be new to lots of people. I guess how you handle it will depend on how open you choose to be.I just always found it easier to be open.

Hi DonatellaThanks for your reply. I know you are right - people don't USUALLY mean to be unkind and are just curious (although some people actually do say horrid things about adoption/adopted kids). But I do object to gossip from people who are clearly not interested in sharing our happiness. I would never dream of asking personal questions to somebody about whether their kids have the same dad etc!I'm actually a very open person and have happily told a lot of people about the adoption, including most of the school mums in BS's class that I am friendly with. I'm proud to have adopted my son, I'm not trying to hide it or anything. It just annoys me when someone who never talks to me chases me down the playground to ask personal questions having shown no interest in my family before! I think I'm having a bad day as a school mum friend just told me how someone in her kid's class was asking all these very personal questions about my family in a way that was very gossipy and not v nice. Anyway, I'll sure I'll calm down again soon.

I was totally open about it and after a few weeks no one comments as it's been said!The school talks about adoption and because we are close to the head teachers they speak about it openly in assemblies and chat with our birth children.Our BC'S are very very proud of their adopted sibling and to be honest will tell anyone about it but now just refer to her as their sister.I think it will blow over and then people will forget and go on chatting to someone else

It is annoying but you will get used to it after a while.I know what you mean about the nosey ones who normally don't speak to you and then suddenely are all full of questions.My favourite retort to one intrusive question when asked if my DD's had the same father - I answered "why do yours?", smiled and walked off, leaving her standing there looking stupid.

Reminds me of this awful woman I know who only speaks to me if there's gossip in it (as she sees it). Older dd once took a photo of herself with a friend's baby to school and said we were adopting again. Guess who came rushing up to congratulate me? I was embarrassed to have to admit it was one of dd's fantasies (she already saw dd as persona non grata or whatever the phrase is) but I also enjoyed bursting her bubble! She also believed it when my friends son said his mum was pregnant (another fantasy) and demanded to know who the father was (my friend is a single mother). Sure she thinks we're both crazy, with crazy kids, but then I think all sorts about her which I won't go into.

..school gates....yuk...horrible...Sometimes it helps to have a few phrases at the ready I think.When she came up to you so suddenly, you could have looked curious and said 'sorry..do I KNOW you?' or something similar.(I might have added 'goodness are you ok dear with all that running?'or just beam at anyone asking about your little one and say...YES...this is my beautiful adopted baby....we are very happy....cutting people short and 'having to rush off' is ok as well I think if nosey questions come after. Also a lie is ok when its about something so private.Where are his real parents?Oh WE are his real parents..oh I mean what happened with the birth parents?Oh I don't know anything about it..you must do...NO I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT...see yaconfidence is the key....You don't have to be nice or accomodating to people, but some of them will be asking for nice reasons.It will settle down, but in a way...we have to remember that we need people to notice things about kids, minding your own business about children can lead to horrible things happening...as annoying as it is. (i say that as someone who was anonymously reported to SS once due to my foster child having a bite mark on her foot! rightly so I think)That particular woman today WAS nosey....she can go stick her beak where the sun don't shine...but you would probably feel better if you practise the kind of things you are going to say to people you will see often, so you have an 'arsenal' of responses.Like others have said...it does get easier with time...but things will come up now and again...they always do...out of the mouths of babes and all that...The more comfortable you are with it, the more comfortable both your children will be.Early days yet though eh?Congratulations to you all.xxx

Thanks all. I appreciate your advice and stories. I really hope it does die down soon. It's been nearly 10 weeks now and there's no sign of it easing yet! I knew we'd get questions etc but I suppose I didn't realise just how much attention we'd get.suffolk puff, I did try to have a few phrases ready but I still seem to have been caught off guard a few times! I am trying to be comfortable about things but I suppose there is a slight unease in that, as although I'm happy and proud to tell people I've adopted, I'm not sure how my AS is going to feel about everyone knowing his business as he grows up. Although BS and AS will not be at the same school at the same time, a lot of the mums have younger children so chances are there will be some of the same school mums around when he starts school. But there is not much I can do about that.

Hi Think I've developed a tough outer shell, but thats not to say I dont feel the comments sometimes. Our school is small with about 70 children and most of the parents knew I was going through the home study anyway and there are 5 or 6 adopted children in a small vilage. I'm lucky we dont have any any nosey parkers here, but what annoys me are people who want to know littley's history and I begin to squirm inside, but yes it does get easier!

Just be glad you weren't asked if you were the grandma ! I'm only 44 ! I know it's possible but still.....

Redoodles, wow only 70 kids in a school, I can't imagine! That's about 2 classes around here. BS's primary school has about 900 pupils (and I feel like about 800 of the parents have quizzed me lol!) so not quite the cosy village community... more urban jungle! Cowgirl, I just spat out my tea laughing. Well, I'm also the wrong side of 40 so maybe they are thinking the same!

I love this thread, sorry Birdsnest, but it's reminding me of a few things. When I started taking LO (aged 7) to the local school only 4 mums knew me and knew about the adoption. One grandma (who I never talk to but she lives across the road from me) ran across the playground nearly knocking over her OWN grandchild to get to me, I managed to duck out. The next morning she was lying in wait and ran across the car park and nearly got hit by a car! The 3rd day she caught us both and asked "who's this then" I just said LO's name, smiled and walked off. Eventually she found out just through small town gossip. They very quickly move on to something else and we were soon old news. A couple of things though, a fellow adopter told me she tells people she's so posh she got someone else to push. That shuts people up. And one last one, when a stranger was just chatting to me about LO's name, size (she's tiny), birth weight and accent I was able to answer without mentioning the A word. Then she asked if I found the labour difficult, so I told her the truth "No, I was on a beach drinking cocktails at the time"

"A couple of things though, a fellow adopter told me she tells people she's so posh she got someone else to push. That shuts people up. And one last one, when a stranger was just chatting to me about LO's name, size (she's tiny), birth weight and accent I was able to answer without mentioning the A word. Then she asked if I found the labour difficult, so I told her the truth "No, I was on a beach drinking cocktails at the time" its always good to start the day with a chuckle!! love both of these responses.

My favourite response to one extremely nosey woman in the park who just wouldn't shut up when she discovered there was only 10 months between my two DD's - She kept going on and on about it, and kept asking if it was planned, and wasn't picking up on my go away vibes, so I just replied "Yeah, I love sex!" Soon shut her up!

Remembering that one jmkI get a lot of "big age gap" type questions I'm just boringly honestWe adopted our older 2 and then had a little surpriseSometimes people say didn't you think you could have children then and I say did you forget to use contraception then and that seems to match the level of intrusion...Most of the time I say I love being a mum, however they arrived in the orchard family.That makes people smile supportively normally

I must give out strong go away vibes with AD! With my bc (v small age gap!) I get lots of questions and alas they look very different and I am often asked if they have they same dad?! Which I think is really rude! People are always implying I must have been desperate to have sex the minute DS1 was born I turned up to school with AD age 18 months and nobody noticed?! Even someone I know just asked me if she had missed a pregnancy! And when I do tell people she is adopted, they often refuse to believe me because apparently she is identical to me (I can't see it, we just have the same hair colour, which incidently is different to the other two.)In fact, I was approached by a mum from school recently who was absolutely lovely, explained her daughter was adopted and that she had heard one of mine was. We had a lovely chat and then it became clear everyone thought DS1 was the adopted one because of his behaviour and weird little ways! She was quite embarrassed when I had to explain he wasn't...

oaty, I have had people tell me that my AS looks like me. he's Chinese, i'm blonde (well going white!) and white british. people will see what they want to see! my eldest son's parentage was questioned by many for some years as well becoz he was blonde too until he was almost 3, his dad is Chinese too. people can just be rude, nosey or stupid!. only my daughter that has ever 'fitted' without questions!

Birdsnest,It's amazing just how shockingly rude and intrusive people are sometimes. I remember, when I was about fourteen and my second cousin was eight, going into the shop at the top of the street to buy sweets. My second cousin had no idea, but she was being brought up by her grandparents after her 18 year old mother died of a brain tumour when she was just three months old. As we were at the till, the shopkeeper asked "how's your mam?" My little second cousin responded "she's fine thanks". The lady behind us in the queue chimed in " She's bloody not, she's dead"! Class act that, wasn't it!What was quite funny was a couple of years later, when I was a naughty teenager, same lady and same shop.I asked "How's your husband?" in front of the queue. When she replied "Fine thanks", I retorted "Oh, I just wondered cos he was in the club with X last night, I thought you two must have split up", followed by a sweet smile.Naughty I know, but very satisfying! Phoebe x

Note to self: Do not cross Phoebe

I am far calmer now OAtybix, I spend my life being inquisitive, wondering,being empathetic and not judging, lol!To be fair, one of my old school reports (aged six, I think) says it all: "she does not suffer fools gladly"!Oh if only we could write reports like that these days. Ha ha. Honestly, I am perfectly safe! Phoebe x