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He’s probably using it as a verbal weapon - he knows what will hurt you most deeply - but also on one level may mean it particularly when it is turned round - as in I don’t deserve to have you as my family - but this is too painful a thought. Also as a teenager there’s always an element of “the grass is greener” - even fairly secure teenagers may say they wished their friends mum was their mum. In a way I guess it’s part of gradually becoming independent. Has he had life story work? Is he able to talk about things when he’s calm? (sounds like he is from what you say) It might be worth considering negotiating a reintroduction of the PlayStation for limited times / days. It can be a big part of their social life / culture at that age and he may be missing out on connections with others.

My son went through a period of intense Xbox use - he was school refusing at that time for a variety of reasons including bullying - the school insisted I take the Xbox away as part of the return to school plan and he went berserk when I did. It turned out he was using it to help him with his anger. I also realised that this was a result of the school situation not the cause (which was the schools thinking - and may have been for some) - and could only change when the problems at school were addressed. It was also at that time his only social contact and he was in a room downstairs so I could keep an eye on things to check that it was largely positive rather than exacerbating things. Just to say there may be other things going on too.

My thought, based on our experience is that as he was sorry the comment was a spur of the moment thing when he may have felt he needed to be in control as he was struggling to unwind from his day. My DS can say things of concern and then later was not even aware of what he had said when he has calmed down.

I think that yours son's comments are probably borne out of anger and frustration - many teenagers will try to hurt those they love most by saying the most hurtful thing they can. How was he later when he had calmed down? What positive things are you able to do with/for him? How are you - can you release your hurt? What are you doing to look after yourself?

Adopted teens can be hard to parent as they work out who they are process early life stuff. You might be better joining Potato rather than posting here as there are many adopters there who have bags of experience of parenting TATS (traumatised adopted teens). https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/

Good luck with your journey

Couldn't not comment on this one. AS is around the corner in the living room currently on his PS4. My personal view is I hate the thing, as it has become a particular cause of much rancour in our household. AS doesn't seem to be able to moderate his use, nor be very calm when the games aren't going his way. However, it seems to be the main way that AS interacts with his peers and he would feel very left out if he didn't have it.

We put on firm time restrictions, but he absolutely hates this. Perhaps the most perturbing thing is that there are many parents who do not seem to monitor their kids use whatsoever, and AS has reported that there are kids who were last on in the early hours and indeed children who come home on a Friday in their school uniform and when he has seen them on the Saturday they have neither changed their clothes nor managed to go upstairs to bed. So hard to impose sensible limits when AS is surrounded with this. Yes, we can be the worst parents in the world for actually having some boundaries!

Sounds like your son was really venting his frustration, but I'm glad he has calmed down now. I wonder whether he is surrounded by peers who have less restrictions on their use of devices, it can't help. We have stuck to our guns on the time limits, but haven't ever removed it, as I know that it will be melt-down territory. Interestingly, when we have complained about the level of noise (angry) associated with the use of PS4 (and it can be bad!), AS has volunteered to take it back to the shop himself. I don't follow through on that as I know it is really that he is trying to "punish" himself (a long-standing thing that isn't particularly healthy or good for his self-esteem).

Sorry, I've rambled a bit here. I hope there is something of use in this post.