Archived Forums

Very similar situation. I too am feeling sad and slightly depressed at present. I am lucky in that I still have contact with AD 2, and though my marriage was hanging by a thread at one point due to pressure of dealing with challenges of AD1, we are still together. AD 1 was. Diagnosed with BPDisorder , but we always felt, as she does herself that she is almost certainly on the AS.. She is very intelligent ( eventually gained First Class Honours , now studying Masters) and with two children. She admits when assessed age 15 she had read up ASD , didn't want it, and " hid" all the signs and symptoms. We always understood our love for her was a one way street, we loved her very much whatever the circumstances, but she only ever needed us, never wanted us. Somehow, I did think when the chips were down, she would be there for us.. She is now 28 and we are in our 60s. During the recent snow, we were stranded at the airport , no taxis for 6 hours. However, we live only 5 miles by car on main road which were clear. Neither she nor her husband would come for us even though she knew her Dad was walking through the fields in the dark ( 7pm) and what was even more hurtful did not ask if he got home safely until lunchtime next day. I realise that she only calls when she wants something, her Grandad who adored her is dying , and she doesn't ask after him. Yet, she will go to the ends of the Earth for her " friends" I say " Friends" because they are people she finds on Facebook, two of whom she asked to be Bridemaids and who she had never met. She made a 20 mile round trip, toddler in car to take someone she barely know to A and E, waited with her, took her home. I know that many of you are suffering ongoing awful challenges, and mine are so small. I just feel so sad and depressed that after all the years of difficulties and love, there is nothing at all in return. The ironic thing is, she critises her little boy for not caring about her.( Which he does and his loyalty is astounding in the circumstances) . I do understand on paper the emotional limitations of youngsters with ASD and early damage, but the pain is no less

Rippox and Fenwick my heart goes out to you both. You have been amazing parents at huge cost to yourselves and it isnt fair that you feel you have so little to show for it . Your challenges are not small Fenwick so dont feel you have to minimise them . It is incredibly hurtful to be treated so badly even when you know that your daughter is incapable of giving back to you through no fault of her own. I have a birth son with aspergers and my feelings get hurt at times through similar issues but i have the genetic connection and a strong attachment which softens the blow somewhat if you see what i mean. He was lucky to have the security early on . Your child was not so lucky and it has no doubt made her issues far worse. But you cannot know how much your parenting has impacted her life and she would not have the life she now has without you so hold on to that crumb of comfort. And rippox i hope you find peace moving forward and that life is good to you. Nobody deserves it more. Best wishes Wizzy x

This just reminded me of a programme I saw the other day about brain injury - with Louis Theroux - he visited one family where the wife / mum had just returned home after time spent in a residential treatment centre following a head injury - there were 2 kids about 6 and10 - they were all finding it really hard - she was always angry with the kids ( as they saw it) and wanting them to show love to her / give her cuddles - she did not seem to be able to see it from their point of view - nor did she want to be close to her husband - they had built her a separate flatlet within the house with a lock on the door as that was her condition for coming home - everything had been fine before her injury. It's an incapacity to show / feel / understand the appropriate emotion I guess. The family had desperately wanted her back but after one month they were saying they really wanted to give it a try but could see it might not work and she might have to live in a residential setting

Safia - I'm sure I saw that programme a few years ago - riding accident I think - it was terribly sad. Sadly many of our kids are brain damaged and the impacts of that will be with them for the rest of their lives...

Yes Bop it was a riding accident - very sad - and because our children were damaged at such an early stage no way of knowing what they would / could have been like - the damage is an integral part of who they are

Thanks for a kind and understanding comment, Wizzy. Safia not really understanding yours, as the situation is not really comparable.

I know it's not the same - my daughter has an acquired brain injury (amongst other things) from a non accidental head injury received as a baby - the program just illustrated again how much the injury changes the person and with many of our children we do not see who they would otherwise have been - it is a sadness for me. If course who they would have been if left in the birth family would be different again. Adoption is full of sadness and loss - in lots of different ways. Many of our children are brain damaged - though usually not through direct physical injury - the effects would be similar

Fenwick and Wizzy, thank you so much for being so open and honest and sharing how you feel. I am 61 and adopted my son at 8 weeks old, 24 years ago. I always knew he would have his own genetic makeup and I always determined to keep his birth mother's memory alive throughout his life so that if he felt he needed to contact her at some point he could do so without worrying what I and my husband would feel about it. I loved him more than I ever believed I could have loved anyone and I can remember feeling like the sun was shining every day throughout the first few years of his life. I knew about nature and nurture and I was a health professional working in this field. However, nothing prepared me for the overwhelming influence of, be it genetic makeup, trauma of being separated from a birth parent or anything else I just didn't understand, and over the years it has seemed that however much I loved this boy, it just wasn't enough. He was diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiance disorder and I did my very best to ensure that the schools he went to understood his issues and changed their policy to address them appropriately rather than punish him for them. I really couldn't have done more. He was a times a very needy boy and remains so but always on his terms and he has grown into a very angry, self centred and manipulative adult who seems to have little conscience and who I wonder sometimes, is maybe sociopathic. It absolutely breaks my heart to even consider this but I am fearful that it is probably the truth. His teenage years saw him stealing from me, jewellery, not particularly expensive but sentimental as it was purchased for a special birthday with him accompanying us on the shopping trip and getting involved in the excitement of the purchase. I just didn't get it! He becomes very sentimental when talking about my mum and dad who loved him and who he clearly loved but he rarely made the effort to see them when they were alive and indeed, as I was organising my dear dad's funeral he had stolen my credit card without me noticing and was racking up big debts with seemingly no remorse to date. He had a spell on remand in prison as a result of a stupid, thoughtless action and even that didn't seem to change his attitude. Indeed, I was prison visiting between visiting my dear mum who was dying in a nursing home and he was cocky and pretty cruel to me when I visited him. Life was hell but I still continued to support him and love him with so much love I cannot tell you, until he with, sadly, a partner who I now believe is similarly sociopathic, managed to manipulate a very large sum of money ( to me anyway, as it was all that my husband and I had) left to me by my dear mum 2 years ago. I had parted with it within 6 months of doing the probate as a loan to help them pay off debts. My husband was dead against it but I insisted as my love for this boy knew no bounds. My husband did manage to convince me that we should lend it to them over 10 years and the repayments would be a boost to our impending retirement. Oh how love is blind, what a fool I was. Their impending marriage, ( a massive affair that neither of them could afford and with my son's history, was always very unlikely to go ahead) is cancelled, their relationship is dodgy although as sociopaths I believe they need each other to feed off so they haven't lost contact, and she has this year declared herself bankrupt. in a strange way he had almost met his match as she was as controlling if not more than he was but that hasn't helped us in our cause to get our savings back. We are now having to sell our home to fund our retirement and I find myself changing my will and Power of Attorney that I was conned into making recently in their favour because I am terrified of my son's motives. I can imagine anyone reading this would be saying at this point, what a stupid woman, you were taken in hook line and sinker and to get a far as making wills and POA is ridiculous. But I am sure those of you with estranged or difficult adoptive children will understand when I say that the overwhelming desire to love and support and have a ' normal' relationship with an adoptive child is so very strong and I have persistently put myself last in the interest of doing what I promised, set out to do, thought I could do, when we embarked on this journey of adoption. That is, to love a child unconditionally as my own. I have recently had to cut myself off from him which is utterly destroying me and I have, for the first time, sought counselling for adoptive parents as I have lost hope that this adoption will come good. I have to admit defeat but it has taken a massive toll on my mental health, on my relationship with my husband and on our future, if we have one, together in retirement. I'm waving the white flag here by posting this message. I just cannot do this any more but I am absolutely broken hearted, feel so lost and alone and have to force myself from swinging straight back into the disadvantaged position of being a woman who couldn't have a birth child, who accepted an adopted child as her own totally and utterly unconditionally and who is prepared to take anything that that brings. I Know I have to give this up but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I hate it and I hate myself for doing it. But posting this has perhaps helped me take the first step in leaving the old life behind and make making a new life for me and hopefully my husband where we can put ourselves into the centre of our world and try and heal and move on to a more positive future. Thank you for your posts which prompted me to make the first post I have ever made on anything. I wish you both all that you wish for yourselves and more.

Louisa that is utterly heart-breaking xxx

Thank you Flosskirk. I really needed to hear that. Somehow I still blame myself, think I was a rubbish mum and that I was the cause of it all despite all my lovely friends telling me otherwise. This is the beginning of me changing that mindset and learning to love and accept myself. I so appreciate you making the effort to comment.

What a moving post - nobody would blame you - so many of us can see ourselves in your position - I wish you well with putting your own needs to the fore - another long and difficult struggle no doubt!

Oh louisa i am sitting with tears in my eyes . So sad for you and your dear husband . I hope you can finally lay it down and move on. You deserve some peace and a good future. Life is so unfair at times. Best wishes to you both xxx

Oh Louisa, I am so sorry. Many people still believe that adopting a baby means a " blank sheet" . This of course is not true, but a big part of me believed it too, when we adopted ( our girl was a baby too) . The only thing that kept me going when she stole my engagement ring was how much I loved her as a little girl. Thank you for sharing, it makes those of us in slightly similar situations feel we are not alone. I wish you well, you have clearly given your all ( literally ) to your lad. Xx

Thank you for your post Fenwick. Sadly my engagement and wedding ring both went too along with many other things but it isn't the material things that I grieve, despite the financial situation that we find ourselves in. It is celebrating the joys when our son did seem to make a bit of emotional progress along the way, the short time we had when we thought he had found his feet and might just about 'make it' whatever 'it' was in his world and be happy, and the few times when he let us know that we had, just maybe, done something right for him sometime. But unconditional love is just that, there are no conditions that ensure any such return and I certainly didn't feel I had any right to expect any. However that doesn't stop it hurting so badly or the feeling of loneliness and loss which clearly Rippox2 at the top of this forum (sorry Rippox 2 I meant to mention you in my blog and thank you for posting) and the rest of you that have posted understand, which is so debilitating. I am wondering if anyone knows of any live forums where parents with similar issues can post or any support groups for people like us can tap into. Any suggestions would be welcome. Now I've finally taken this step I really want to keep on moving to a brighter future and a life I can call my own. Very hard though!

Oh Louisa. Crikey. I am so with you on this. You sound wonderful and caring and nurturing and horribly let down; life, frankly, is just not fair. My DH and I went to our first therapy session this morning. It was really helpful - I cried. I'm actually crying now. DH hugged me closer than ever before when we left (he's always been a good "hugger" but I think that he realised that what was needed this time was exceptional). If you haven't tried it then I would really advocate having someone to talk to who is non-judgmental and will allow you to unravel your thoughts; or just validate that your thoughts are OK. Choosing therapy is a bit like choosing wine, I think, it has to be the right taste for you. But if you can find someone to listen then that has to be a good thing. We are not as far on as you but I really can empathise. Our AD (age 15 now) is dangerous and rejecting - a hard combination for us. The therapist asked "do you see this as a relationship without hope of getting better?" and I immediately answered "yes". DH said "I'm not sure" but by the end of the session he was moving towards a "no; there is no hope.". I don't suppose that this will have helped but I just wanted to let you know that there are others out here who understand and wish you well. Adoption is hard. It is painful. It is full of unknowns and the heartache is phenomenal. I really wish you both well. I hope that you find peace. Peahen.

Louisa, I have sent you a private message. Lily x

Thanks for posting Rippox2 and Louisa too. Rippox2 your post resonates - that 'having moved on' but with a lingering sense of sadness. Me too. Louisa, I hope that you are able to find a way towards your brighter future - it is there waiting for you. I have found therapy very, very helpful and would recommend it. Many of us occupy this space of having tried so very hard, then grieved, then had to move on without any tidy narrative to explain what it was all for - except that all we could have done was our best. Peace to any of you that are in that place. x

Rippox2, Its not often I post...I'm more of a lurker, but your post made me feel a little less alone (as have the responses). I can empathise with a lot of what you have written, and I know how difficult it can feel as I'm in a similar situation, that unfortunately I feel will never get any easier. Sending you some warm wishes xx

I understand completely. Thank you for being open and telling the other side of Adoption that is never mentioned in the earlier stages. I hope you’ve found it cathartic to post and to receive the love and respect from others of us on here who know and understand how the cost can be too high to bear. Sending warm hugs and support to each of you - and to the others who bear witness in silence.