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Hello We have 2 ac and then a bc so the other way round to you If there's a way to look at the archive on adopters with birth children in the old message boards that may help But in summary: adoption is not the same as having a bc, you are offering specialist parenting to a child who hurts. But it's a unique way of building a family for a child and giving them a chance. It's good if you can to have as large an age gap as possible simply to improve everyone's chances of holding together. Most adopters with bc recognise the impact on their bc and try and spend time with them separately as well as time with your new ac. The trauma leaking from an ac to a bc can be a very significant factor and you may find the challenging behaviours arising in your birth child. I think looking at protective factors is key here Most of the people I know who've adopted after having bc say they underestimated how different it would be- those who've had experience in mh/ education/ sw tend to have high expectations of THEMSELVES and actually take it to heart when it's not fixable really. The families I know have found that their bc are very loving, caring and empathic people in general They are cross that they didn't quite get a new sister/ brother they thought they would on Disney 'despicable me' I think you are wise to go I with your eyes wide open There are reasons these kids are being adopted Those reasons will have long term ramifications The children we adopted turned out to both have attachment disorders Some las are looking to have children assessed prior to placement which helps I have a son who is avoidant/ insecure but would say has developed a positive attachment if not secure. My dd has disorganised attachment and the slightest progress has been agony truly But she's 16 and stable and adoption hAs really worked for her although her living in a little unit is t quite what I had in mind at placement Our bc- well she adores blossom and turns her nose up at partridge. He's marvellous with pip and secretly she adores him...

If your husband is still in the military then I think there's a specific board for you. So maybe phone the AUK helpline and ask for details on how to get onto those boards as they may give you a better insight into how much your life will change.

Thank you Peartree. Much to think about! Fim, sorry, I should've said, DH left the military a year ago and is now happily adjusted to civvie street :)

I have PM'd you.

Hi, I think that adopting is definitely high risk and so you have to work out what level of risk you are happy with. If your birth child is nearly 8, realistically, by the time you approach an agency and are approved, you are going to be looking at her being about 10 when you adopt. Either you will have a much younger child, which means having two children with completely different needs (think of going on holiday for example - your birth child might not want to hang out at the swing park for hours like a youngster would), or taking an older child, with the complications that can bring (not that younger children don't have complications too, and in fact, with older children the developmental issues are going to be known in ways they won't be with a young child). But just as your birth daughter won't like all the kids in her class, she may not get on with the child you adopt - so you have to factor in that this could be quite difficult for your birth daughter. Meanwhile, why do you want to adopt? If you have a strong urge to do it, that's something worth paying attention to - but I do think it has to incorporate the wish to give a child a home, rather than just it being a way to give you a much -wanted second child. The problems adopted children can bring can really test everyone - or you may be lucky. Good luck with your decision.