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I wonder if finding some way for her to get involved in helping refugees - perhaps collecting things to send or helping people who’ve arrived here - might help by diverting her anxiety without ignoring war and suffering. Even if there’s not much for Ukrainian refugees - which there probably is - there’s certainly a lot of ways to help Afghan refugees

That's a good idea Safia, I'll look into that tomorrow

Thank you so much x

She slept the whole way through till half 6

I wonder if it’s coincidental or not that she sorry through when your husband wasn’t there?

Maybe she’s being triggered by his attitude, by his seeming (to her) indifference to her concern and anxiety. Maybe she doesn’t feel heard by him?

You say your husband has history of stuff like this - maybe the conflict (kids pick up on stuff) is triggering her? Implicit memories of conflict shes experienced previously?

I hadn't thought of it like that Donatella. I suspect you could be right though.

How do I solve that though? My husband won't listen or change because I've tried for years

I can't take anymore of this now, I'm done!!! My husbands just called me shouting down the phone saying he's not coming home unless I kick our daughter out!!!!!

That all sounds rather bizarre. Sounds to me - given everything you’ve said - that it’s your husband who’s the real issue here and who has the real issues. If he’s seriously asking you to choose between him and your daughter then maybe he needs to be the one to seek support. Just as with children, when you can’t change the behaviour the only thing you can control is your response.

May be worth a call to AUK for further advice

Yes I agree he's the problem here.

How do I explain to the kids that daddy still won't be back tonight?

I'm going to call AUK tomorrow

I'm still shocked that he's asking me to choose between him and our eldest daughter

I hope you managed to speak to AUK and they could help.

I am usually all for working through things by reading novels about it etc. but in this case I would keep your daughter away from everything war related. It is unpredictable and awful and I don't see how being involved in any way (however small) could decrease her anxiety. You want her to be less interested in it, not more.

I would look her straight in the eyes and say with a very firm voice that you think nothing will happen here, apart from staff like increased prices or refugees. But nothing that is dangerous to her or you as a family. That is the truth and if you say it firmly enough, it might help a bit.

As Donatella says AUK may be able to give advice on this. May I also suggest you seriously consider contacting and getting access to the ASF asking for family therapy. Have you contacted your GP?

It’s a lot to take on considering you’ve got a job outside the home too.

You are in my prayers,

Hi chestnuttree, calling AUK is on my to do list for tomorrow.

I had looked her straight in the eye and said that this evening but she still wants to be in my bed tonight

Hi Agape, contacting ASF is also on my to do list for tomorrow.

And we have a GP appointment for Friday.

I just feel like a terrible mum

You are not a terrible mum, your family is struggling, you are supporting your daughter and you are doing your best to find solutions. That's the best anyone could do in your situation.

There won't be quick fixes. Try to get medication from the GP to bridge you over to therapy (hopefully). If you love your husband and you feel this is a temporary problem, then I would try to lower my expectations of him for the moment and try to get him to accept help too.

I have found it much easier to have my daughter sleep on a separate matress in our bedroom, than having her in my bed. It helps her that we are close by, by we all have enough space to actually sleep.

Hi Magicisintheair - did you phone our Helpline? Did you get the support you needed?