Public Forums

firstly, congratulations

its pick your battles time. The focus now should be building your relationship, not getting stuck in a cycle of behaviour and reaction over stuff that doesn't matter. Don't forget they are scared, confused and testing you.

Do they need a wash every morning? Maybe evening bathtime could be more fun? Do they have to come downstairs to get dressed? Why not go upstairs? Do they even need to get dressed at all if you arent going out till later in the day?

Congratulations! Echo serrakunda - pick your battles! If he won’t wash, a quick wipe over with a wet wipe will suffice. Or not bother. He won’t get dirty overnight.

If he won’t come down, feee and dress him in his room. Forget chronological age - think emotional age. Would you expect a 2 year old to do what you’re asking? Think younger, think toddler.

Give positive choices - breakfast or dress first? Positive requests - do rather than don’t, ie do walk rather than don’t run. Fewer words mean less to process. And don’t repeat requests - give processing time.

A visual timetable.

The other thing is he / she must be really scared - you don’t say exactly how long it is but still early in placement. Everything is new and unpredictable - and if you imagine being somewhere new coming downstairs can be really daunting. If you try and view it this way rather than as a behavioural problem it might help you find different ways of dealing with it.

Taking up previous suggestion of evening bath. Our AS enjoyed the continuing of the routine he arrived with where shower gel was added to the bath to make bubbles as well as playing with toys in the bath. He still has this in the bath which ensures he comes out smelling fresh and takes away the morning pressure.

Another thought re dressing, are there favourite clothes or is there something about the feel of the nightclothes? Our AD who has sensitivity issues, likes the softness of his nightclothes and when he gets dressed prefers shorts or jogging bottoms which are soft.

Thanks for advice all.

Have been trying to keep same routine as FC but it simply isn't working - has a bath every evening & enjoys, so you're right cleanliness is all good, so no biggie re wash in the morning - so going to change it up tomorrow & see what happens!

Thanks again:)

I was advised in the early days not to keep changing how I dealt with stuff as that just confuses these kids - they need to know what you expect and how you will deal with it if they don't do it.....that helps them to feel safe. Whatever strategy you choose, try sticking with it for a few weeks rather than changing your approach constantly. Often adoptees can push the boundaries hard as a way of checking whether you really love them and will stick with them.

Thanks Bop - that's what I have been trying to do, keep things the same & consistent, as you suggest - but some others above seem to suggest otherwise - now confused.com

I don't think Bop's answer necessarily contradicts any other answer. Decide how you want to handle tomorrow morning and stick to that. If they are having a bath at night I'd ditch the wash in the morning, and do the getting dressed upstairs.

Good luck

Personally I think it’s fine to be flexible. If the routine isn’t working for you and lo, then tweak it so that it does work. When my third child arrived she’d been in a dreadful routine - naps at 6pm, bed at 10, morning baths. And I won’t even go into her diet!

I had a 2 year old in part time nursery and a 5 year old in school so that was never going to fit into our routine. I changed it to one that suited all of us. But she was my 3rd so I felt quite comfortable with my choices.

You’ll get more confident with time - first time round the responsibility can be terrifying and difficult to know how much to change. If it was working, stick at it. If not, tweak it!

Hi there ... may or may not help but something I found that worked really well with my son are strategies from "Calmer, Easier & Happier" Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton. It really worked for me and my son you have to be consistent though

Good luck!

Also confused - you initially said "Have tried playful, phone technique, timer, wondering, using cuddles & connection, waiting it out - nothing works consistently."

What I was trying to say is be consistent in how you handle you child not doing as you want - if you decide you want her/him to get dressed before breakfast, say, then decide what will happen if s/he doesn't and make that the same everyday.

If the basic routine isn't working - then change it to suit and remove as much stress as possible.