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Can I put some questions back to you ? You say you are shocked - what shocks you? Would you be shocked if they had announced a pregnancy ? Is this really about adoption or your dad having another child?

Of course, I think because I've always known my Dad had "the snip" after my sister It's not something I've ever thought about or had to think about. Unfortunately my step mum can't have children either which I've known for years so again something I didn't think about. So definitely would have been shocked by a pregnancy! I'm not entirely sure if it's him adopting or having another child if I'm honest. I thought he might have been a bit old but he said at the first meeting they went to yesterday there were older parents so perhaps I'm wrong there. Thank you for replying, just after advice and experiences:)

I'm sure someone with direct experience will be along later but I don't think your reaction is uncommon when you first find out this is on the cards. Its what you do now that counts really. But I think its perfectly reasonable for you to have lots of questions. 'Old' is of course a relative concept but if it helps you get your head around it many adopters are 'older' ie in their 40s. I was nearly 47 when my son came home. He was nearly 8. Hopefully when you have had time to get your head around it you will be able to support your dad and step mum. They are about to embark on a long and often difficult journey. But at the end of it, you may well end up with an amazing little brother or sister

This is mostly a site used by adopters so I'm not sure you will find anyone with similar experiences. We adopted 2 toddlers when our older daughters were 20 and 14 but it wasn't so much of a shock for them as they knew we would like more children and all that eventually entailed and were involved in the process. What works to your advantage is that as you are not living with them you will not have to deal with the day to day issues - which can be very hard - and the extreme jealousy which is more typical of adopted children than younger birth children. Also as you are an adult (as my older daughter was) I think you will find it easier - my daughter - adopted at 2 - had no problem accepting our eldest daughter who was seen as another adult in the house but made it very hard for my younger daughter who she saw as a rival. I recommend reading as much as you can and being positive and supportive to your father and step mother - who you seem to know quite well - the process takes a while so gives you plenty of time to read and research - and maybe take your lead from your parents - especially when children are placed - as they will become the experts

Thank you all for your responses :)

I think it is great that you have posted here. You are clearly trying to think this through and you are open minded. That's fantastic. What are your hopes and worries? Are you worried about possible problems with your new sibling, that you might be less important to your dad, that he is creating a new family you are no longer part of, do you feel family has to be blood related, etc. What are the possible issues for you? And what could be great about it? I always wanted a big family and lots of siblings, so I was overjoyed when my mother fell in love with my (step)father and I suddenly had two brothers. They were older and their feelings were a bit different, but they got there. :-) You could read some of the books aimed at family members, like "Adoption is a Family Affair" or "In on it". Family members often struggle with the idea of adoption at the start. I would also recommend reading Jacqueline Wilson's "Tracy Beaker" series, if you haven't already. I read it as a prospective adopter and felt it was very useful to read a book written from the child's perspective (even if fictional). Have a chat with your dad and talk about your and his hopes and worries, when you feel you are ready.

I think I've always grown up (since my parents split) knowing well thinking it would just be myself and Chloe my sister. Then my Dad met someone else and I thought at the age of 12 perhaps I'd have more sibling if she had children but she didn't. Get to nearly 20 and then it's brought up was a surprise as I assume I was in the mindset of there wouldn't be anyone else. My mums not been around since they divorced so for a long time it was just me and my Dad. I don't think I feel like family has to be blood related as my step mum has been a better mother figure to me anyway. Perhaps that I'll be less important which I know isn't the case but children especially potentially troubled ones require everything you've got so there wouldn't be time for us anymore. Thank you for the reply it was really helpful x

I think I've always grown up (since my parents split) knowing well thinking it would just be myself and Chloe my sister. Then my Dad met someone else and I thought at the age of 12 perhaps I'd have more sibling if she had children but she didn't. Get to nearly 20 and then it's brought up was a surprise as I assume I was in the mindset of there wouldn't be anyone else. My mums not been around since they divorced so for a long time it was just me and my Dad. I don't think I feel like family has to be blood related as my step mum has been a better mother figure to me anyway. Perhaps that I'll be less important which I know isn't the case but children especially potentially troubled ones require everything you've got so there wouldn't be time for us anymore. Thank you for the reply it was really helpful x

I am sure your dad will always make time for you. Maybe not at exactly the moment you want it, but he will always be your dad and he will always love you, have you on his mind and help you. He didn't love you less, when your sister was born. Your new sibling most likely will take lots of time and energy, but you are much older and more independent now. It will be a different, but equally exciting experience. A friend of mine has a sister who is 14.5 years younger. Their relationship changed a lot over the years. First they were sisters, soon the older one almost took a co-parenting role, now they feel like sisters again. They are very close, despite the age difference. The younger one used to look at the older one as some sort of goddess. :-) Your sibling might not do that (or they might), but they will be a little, very needy child who has had a very tough start in life and who will be frustrating at times and the most wonderful little person at others. It will definitely be an adjustment and a bit scary and unsettling at times, but it will also be a lot of fun and I am sure you will get there. At 19 you are in between being a child and an adult. Depending on the age of the child, you are of an age were theoretically you could have been the parent. That must feel a bit weird, so I understand being taken by surprise. I would try to enjoy having a new sibling and sharing the joy of having a loving family. On the other hand I would also take this as an opportunity to learn heaps and heaps about parenting from observing your parents, learn about trauma and lots of other things most other people don't even read about. Talk this through with your dad. Maybe set up a special time/s each week which is your time with him, even if it is only 20 minutes on the phone. Ask him, how he thinks this will affect your and his relationship. The more you talk about this before you sibling is placed, the better. Your dad might think of you as being very independent and almost ready to fly. Tell him about your worries and find a solution together.

My oldest birth son was 17 when we adopted our youngest LO, who was two. He is one of her favourite people in the world! He is a fabulous big brother, who spends time with her, Skypes her regularly when he is away at uni, and is the world's most accommodating playmate. He's mature enough not to get annoyed by her controlling ways, and old enough not to be threatened by her need of us. He is a blessing to her as well as to us. If you can be half as amazing in your relationship with any new little person, your dad and step mum will be proud of you, and incredibly grateful!

Although it's not adoption, I've had a sort of similar experience. My mum and dad split up when I was ten and my dad moved away. He went on to have two birth children with his new wife and there are 12 and 14 years between me and them. I was a bit confused by it at first, but I have grown up to be so amazingly grateful to have them in my family - and now they have met their own partners and our family has grown more, I'm grateful for that too. I think it all depends on your perspective. You can choose to feel worried about having to 'share' your dad (I tell my adoptive kids my love is like a tap that can't be turned off, there's more than enough love for everyone, and it just keeps coming). Or you can choose to try and see the benefits for you. While it likely your new adoptive sibling may have some issues around loss and will have real trauma to get over, you might actually be able to play a part in helping them, just by being you - an amazing role model. I know from my own adoptive kids how 'cool' they think their older cousins are - and they don't do very much except be young twenty somethings (Luckily they are wonderful, well brought up twenty somethings!). I suspect everything will work out nicely and once you get over what must be a bit of a shock, you will be very happy to be part of an expanded family. Take care, Haven x

Thank you all so much x

Good for you in coming here to ask questions. As an older sibling you are going to have to share your dad and step mum. There could be times when you struggle. Like if you feel jealous cause they are able to do with or spend on the child when you never had that. But also when the child is really difficult and your dad will have to parent them differently to the way you were treated. In time they may really go off the rails like in teen years and do things that shock you and make you wonder why your dad sticks with them etc. It will be very difficult to see your dad being disrespected. But he is choosing this. Nobody is forcing him to agree to adopt. And if he really wants to do this, he will love and respect you more for talking to them and finding out more about their plans. One other thing is of course your inheritance will be shared by more. You sound like a lovely young woman who was raised well.

I like the way you're prepared to learn, understand, process and think things through. You're a credit to all your parents.

It's not the same but quite similar, when my husband had left home and was in his late twenties (we were together), my Inlaws invited us for dinner and told us they were applying to be foster careers. They started with long term placements so children over 9, staying into their teenage years, then went on todo babies, my sister in law had only just left home when they started the process and was very angry about it and quite negative as she felt my MIL would have no time for their girly days. Hubby thought it was great, his mind set was, if his parents told us we could or couldn't have kids he would be fuming, so why did he have the right to tell his parents how to live their lives. Fifteen years later we adopted our daughter, we still keep in touch with some of the foster kids, some are now adults, AD loves her extended family. We did support our Inlaws, took the kids on days out, did some respite, we always made a joke that it was reverse grandparenting, we got to do all the fun spoiling bits and then hand them back. I think you need to talk to your Dad and Step-mum, talk about your concerns, read up on adoption and children who need adopting.

I am certain your father will dependably set aside a few minutes for you. Perhaps not at precisely the minute you need it, but rather he will dependably be your father and he will dependably adore you, have you at the forefront of his thoughts and help you. He didn't love you less, when your sister was conceived. Your new kin in all likelihood will take bunches of time and vitality, however you are much more established and more free at this point. It will be an alternate, yet similarly energizing background.