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I think it is a silly question of the sw to ask a 5 year old. He has no idea what it means to get a sibling, let alone which sex. This are decisions for the parents not 5 year olds.

I agree with Pluto that it is not an appropriate question to ask a 5 year old. However, there is some value in considering the effect that a boy/girl might have on your son. Might he find it more comfortable if he is the only boy? However well he is prepared for the new lo, they will be a challange for him, now and later.Although I agree with you that you wouldn't be selecting the sex of a bc, this isn't a new born that will be arriving, but a fully formed lo (usually at least 9 months old).A sister might be less threatening for him, and not give the opportunity for others to compsre the two in the future.

I can understand why he was asked (and he has been now so we can't take that back - but then, tbh most children get asked "what they want" when their mum's are pregnant and they have no say in it anyway!). However now he has been asked I can see the relevance but only IF we listen to him. Otherwise will he feel he's not been listened to, and we've started off with a problem as soon as the AC comes home??Imp, that's what I've been thinking - would a girl feel less of a threat to him, not taking his place, etc. Pluto and Imp, can I ask do you both have BC and were they asked about the sex or not?FMO2 x

I am a FC, and have moved los on to adopters who have bc (as well as those who don't) The successful ones were where the lo was a different sex to the bc (or there was a huge age gap---10 years). The disasterous one was with a bc of the same sex, just 3 years older than the lo. Not only could the bc not accept the lo, but the Adoptive Mum found that she only felt protective to her bc, and saw the lo (of 21 months ) as 'winding up' her bc---within the first few weeks of placement. This may not have been as a result of them being the same sex, but I don't think that it helped either bc or Mum, and certainly not the gorgeous lo we move into the family.

Hi,Our birth daughter was asked (not by our sw, but when we had a 'second opinion visit' pre-panel, by another sw). BD was 8 at the time and said she would like a little sister. We, however, felt that it would work much better with a little brother (though we were not completely set on this, we would have considered a girl too), and this is what happened. BD had been quite adamant initially that she wanted a sister not a brother, but was able to understand our reasons for thinking of boys (less competition, etc) and was actually over the moon when we were finally matched with a 14month old boy when she was 9.5 (3.5 years ago now). I am very glad not only that we have children of different gender but also that we have such a large age gap. Again, our BD had asked for a sibling closer in age to her. I think it is important to listen to the child and be prepared to explain reasons for not going with what they want; but ultimately the decision has to be the parents'. Our daughter had wanted a small age gap because she wanted a sibling to be friends with, as she saw with many of her friends who had close in age siblings. I very much doubt whether this would have worked out, however. Adoptive parenting is very different, and I am daily very thankful for the 8 year gap between our two. (They have a great relationship.)Good luck, I hope all works out well for you.tarqe x

we have a 7 yo BS and always stated we wanted a girl as we felt that there would be less conpetition and rivalry as there was a lesser chance of them having the same interests.When I asked BS a few weeks ago how he was feeling about it all now, he said in some ways he would have preferred a boy cos then they would have played more of the same things but he was happy to have his little sister.I was happy to hear that as I alwasy told others beforehand that he would probably prefer a boy but feel he coudlnt imagine how hard it would be competing for eg Daddys time in football, etc, where sis isnt intersted at all.BS did struggle a bit at first and I am certain that this would have been massively worse if his new sibling had been a boy.Just about all our friends have a boy and girl so when we all get together they all fit into a natural boy girl dynamic without BS feeling pushed out of his same age friendships by his new sibling. IMO I dont think the "if you ahd a birth child" argument works in this situation since your BS woudl have about a year to grow into a new babay with no personality issues form day 1 as you will often get with an AD. Our daughter was 3 1/2 when she came home and immedaitely her personality sparked arguments with BS.

when my SIL was expecting her fourth child and the eldest at 6 was asked would he prefer a sister or a brother. His reply was a lion cubI know not helpful but even birth siblings can have firm ideas but that was not going to happen.You can still keep your options open by being approved for a child rather then a specific sex. The process does take time and bs may change his mind. And you can discuss it with him when there is a possible match in the offering when you have specific facts available.

I must say too that I learned a lesson early on about not involving BS in any details (only a general overview of status) until we were formally matched. We had a tentative match with 1 child and strong potential with another and the pics were on the fridge, BS asked who they were and I said excited wouldnt you like either of these as your sister, He said NO I dont want that one to the match! I was really upset cos that was the child we hoped to proceed with and then wondered if we should knowing he had said no. I decided better to show him nothing til it was all sorted then we would simply say this IS your new sister. At his age, he cant possibly understand that a good match is the most important factor.

our bs asked for an older brother, our sw was great with him and explained that he had to be the big brother. initially sw recommended a girl, but then decided that my bs would be ok with either sex.Our LO has been with us 3 months and is a girl with a 7 year age gap that wasn't at all what I expected 3 years ago when we first looked into adoption.I agree with sapphire zodiac, we have had a few little problems, she has become a bit green eyed lately if bs cuddles me, I think this would have been much harder if she had been an older boy.One little thing I would say , my son was 5 when we first started looking into adoption and although the slow process is frustration I think he has matured a lot in the that couple of years so don't worry if it takes time. Good luck x

Thank you so much for all your replies. It has really helped to hear about your real life situations. My husband read your replies too and it's given us lots to consider when matching time comes.FMO2 x

We too had a 6yr old BS at the time and he wanted a sister. We left it open at panel but felt as others have, that a girl would not be as much competition for him if that makes sense. We involved our son as much as possible, despite his young age, as it had to be right for him too. Whilst I agree that if you had another baby he wouldn't get to chose, it isn't a baby that's coming but a fully formed little person. He has to be ok with it. Just a word of caution, our son completely changed his mind about wanting a sibling full stop on in the 2 yrs that it took for us to go from starting the approval process to our AD being placed! We almost didn't go through with it (and in many ways I wish we hadn't - another story) but they have a good relationship now and they have always had their own interests and friends which helps a lot

All through homestudy we were very clear in our own minds that a boy would fit best in our family. Our youngest BC is a girl and we felt that a boy would be less of a threat to her.Our very experienced SW said that in her experience its not so much the gender of the AC that is beneficial but the age gap between the children.We still preferred a boy and that is what we got!I have posted on here several times that I would not want the gap to be any smaller.....5 years in our case.I have also posted that our BD finds it very hard, although actually they get on quite well for much of the time...I have posted about that too. Recent birthday party was a case in point.One thing I hadn't quite realised about adoption is that our time and energy is taken up with meetings and courses and appointments as well as the actual hands on parenting.DD finds that hard. For 4 weeks I have to change her piano lesson so that

sorry! so that I can go on an adoption course. No big deal in the scheme of things, but she took the opportunity to vent about adoption

Hi We have a bs who was about 7 /8 during the home study and he said he wanted a brother and lucky enough we definately wanted another boy and our social worker said that this was the only opportunity when we would get to choose the sex if we had definate views.So we only viewed profiles of boys and held out for our boy with no regrets, well only now and again when I see those cute pink clothes!!Think carefully about whether you picture a son/brother or daughter/sister for your family and why your son may want a sister. Good luck