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Tricky. So many expectations, exams, coursework, constant testing - its all hugely stressful even for a child without the issues our kids have. My eldest is now in uni and was an absolute horror from 15. He got his GCSEs by the skin of his teeth then met his lovely girlfriend who supported him through his A levels. I strongly suspect she was the one who motivated him!

Middly is diagnosed, statemented and thankfully didn’t have to sit GCSEs. He’s very bright and no doubt would have passed but he got fab grades with support. That’s key. It’s the support they need to succeed. Does your lad have any? My son has moved back into mainstream to do his A levels with 25 hours 1-1 support. I was quite surprised that they agreed so easily and without the usual battle. His exec functioning is rubbish - processing, planning, motivating himself to work is very difficult for him. His adhd and his ASD make life difficult for him. Does your lad have any diagnosis? An EHCP? One of the key factors which is written into my son’s statement is communication - he chose his TA and we communicate closely so I know what he’s doing/not doing. Is the senco is your school any good? We have a study timetable and my son does all his homework, revision etc in school. I’ve also asked that dd, 15 now, Aldo does her homework in school. She’s also ASD and educated in a unit.

Punishing isn’t going to motivate him, is it? If you’ve not already, have a read of articles about exec functioning and how kids need so much help to organise themselves. I get the flight/fight response - we have a mix between the two younger kids - but if your lad is panicking and maybe if they could understand his behaviour was akin to a panic attack, then they could measures in to alleviate that before it hits meltdown stage.

Would an anxiety scale help? Helps my daughter.

Hi Donatella,

Thanks so much for replying. Good to hear from you and that your children are doing so well.

First, by way of a small update, AS has behaved much better over the last couple of days at school. It is like some sort of reset button got pressed. It makes me think that all this was a cry for help for someone to support him. Unfortunately, after a little more digging I have found that not only did he not do the performance in drama, but he has also submitted no work for the portfolio either. I spent yesterday raging (quietly, and not in AS's earshot) that the teacher hadn't seemed to realise this and bring it to our attention before now. The bottom line is that he has done the whole of year 10 and some of year 11 having submitted no work for that GCSE. It beggars belief that the teacher was so positive and predicted him such a good grade on this basis. So, we made a plan - splitting the work into chunks and it is possible that we could submit a portfolio by the deadline. Of course, the main problem is AS kept no records and doesn't seem to know basic details about the play they devised in a group including not knowing the character names or the plot (deep sigh!) We are going to have to be "super creative". I've emailed the teacher to try to get her to send some more information our way, but .......well, I'm doubtful she is going to be very helpful (just a feeling).

One positive was that I noticed that after chatting about the whole situation with AS, it was like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. I suspect he had been bottling this up inside, unable to admit he'd done nothing and was scared witless of being found out. All in the open now so that's a positive. And no wonder he didn't want to act in the play when he couldn't remember the plot properly (It was devised before lockdown and the performance got badly delayed!)

AS has only one diagnosis and this is dyslexia, which doesn't attract a great deal of support. In the past he has had a couple of sessions a week with a special needs coordinator and there was a plan of sorts to keep him on track. I was told he would have no support from year 10. Of course, his behaviour wasn't such a problem last year so all the exec functioning difficulties, which I've known have always existed, didn't get noticed by the teachers. I'm annoyed that the only reason this all came to our attention was through the behaviour angle and not because he hadn't done the work. (I suspect lockdown was a factor here)

He has never had a statement. He presents as "just about managing" so really hasn't had as much help as he needs. I feel perhaps that I haven't pushed enough for him to get support. I'm beginning to feel bad about this. He did lots of good work during lockdown, with my help and support. I also know that for some subjects the work we did in lockdown "boosted" his grade, meaning that the extra support I gave him really helped. If I was going to identify a possible diagnosis it would be ADHD - am I too late for a statement to help? Who would be the first port of call for arranging a diagnosis - GP?

Thanks for highlighting that the behaviour is like a "panic attack" - I'll use that wording with the teachers. Even in this enlightened age, I still feel that deep down some teachers still think of children with behavioural problems as "naughty".

I think you're right in making the link to a lack of self-esteem. I know that's something I went through myself when I was younger, and I'm quite certain I noticed the trend in my peers and other students at school.

I think it's really wonderful that people are being gentle with your son, and giving him time and patience. A lot of people assume that the right thing to do is to push someone into doing something. Take it from me, this is really, REALLY harmful. At the school I went to, this seemed to be a go-to. It isn't right. As Donatella said, people need support.

I imagine that your son needs to find his love for learning. At school I liked English and Art so I engaged with those quite well. What does he like, what does he care about? If he's uncertain of that, that's okay, it might be worth focusing on getting him feeling safe and comfortable, and even finding things that he likes about himself. I found that I finally started engaging with learning after and during getting to know myself better, and feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Just knowing a little more about what I thought I was like and what subjects/ topics made me feel things.

Still, the constant competition put between people in the form of rewarding some and not others was really harmful to me, and even interupted my engagement with the subjects that I loved. In my opinion, schools need to stop with all the competition. I don't think it helps anyone. For the individual that "wins", they learn to rely on someone else's validation to feel valuable, and for those who don't win, they learn that they 'suck', that they're not valuable, that they are 'worthless', especially if they never 'win' anything. It's even bad for the school. I have found that the point in competitions is often to show off the students who have won, to make the school look good. But is that not really problematic? Shouldn't we feel like we can be proud of all students? Shouldn't we put all our efforts into making sure every child succeeds, rather than pit child against child to win someone else's validation. Very wrong imo. This is just an example of how deep the issue is, and how it often isn't the fault of the individual. Still, of course, we want the best for those we love, and we can do our best for them.

Support, communication, therapy. These things will help your son. Therapy can be in the form of talking together about how he feels about school and anything in that vicinity. Psycho therapy is the best type of therapy imo. You might be interested in looking into that, but it would be best to ask if that's something he would be interested in rather than make it a requirement. Reflecting on our thoughts and feelings, experiencing them without fear and judgement, and finding how these link to past experiences. You were giving a good example yourself actually, you said he 'feels he is going to fail anyway' and 'feels baling out is better than putting in an effort when he could potentially fail'. This is true in my experience. But it goes further than that. He probably stops himself from trying so that if he does fail he can say "oh I didn't try anyway" so that it does not affect his pride. I know that feeling very very well. I was exactly the same at that age. It's an example of low self-esteem, just like you said. He has probably been taught by the school environment to think and feel that he would fail, that he isn't smart, that he can't do it (all lies, rest assured), but this can be remedied with trust, support, kindness, validation and teaching him that he is allowed to feel good about himself and his work. It may also bring up a trust fear. Perhaps he fears that if he does not do well at school that you will be mad at him and give him up, perhaps he feels mad at the world for implying that he has to prove his worth. I know I felt that way! Practical advice: it could be good to try to have a catchup with him every so often, give him a safe space for him to open up. Try to be very sensitive and not push him into opening up to you, but rather make him feel like you're safe if he wants to open up. You could also find out if there's any kind of profession he's interested in and perhaps go on a trip there together. Even if it's visiting a football stadium, he might feel like you are accepting of anything he wants to be :-)

Hope this helps xx

My son at 14 had real problems with secondary school - to the extent he was school refusing and had wanted to kill himself. School were very unimaginative and I had to ask for the card to leave the room which they were against anyone having. Though once had it I don’t think he used it - knowing it was there and he had somewhere to go made a difference. There was bullying so isolation was a saviour as much as a deterrent. As you say if somethings not working you’d think they’d look at other options. He had learning difficulties which the school hadn’t recognised - like your son very borderline for support as nothing diagnosed - Camhs did some assessments which were enlightening as school said they couldn’t afford it! Sport was his saviour and the coach in the school really helped him. It meant he had something he was good at and had friends. We managed to get school to agree to a college place in year 11 which they paid for. He didn’t get GCSEs but got level 1 and 2 certificates at college and did sports courses. College is so different and it wasn’t long till his attendance was back up to nearly 100% without the pressure. Would looking forward to what he might do post 16 help - just at all the possibilities that might help him develop a sense of excitement for the future - rather than making a decision? You mentioned an EHCP - we were told there was no point as he was 15 by then but I wish we’d applied for one - they go up to 25 and can open other doors and also lay out clearly what his needs are. You could contact IPSEA for advice - they are very helpful

Indie900 - thanks for your insightful post. There is so much wrong with the education system, that I’m not sure it suits anyone. I was able to succeed at school academically, but I did experience horrific bullying.

AS struggles to articulate his feelings. Doubly difficult if the feelings are ones that make him feel bad. We do have a good relationship and I always let him know he can always talk to me. However he is very good at avoiding talking about problems (too much shame, I suppose) and bottles things up. Sometimes if things come up that necessity means I have to talk to him about them, he will often be avoidant then too. Finding a safe time and place to have chats is difficult, but you’re right we need to try.

Safia - your son sounds very like mine. I don’t think school recognise his difficulties and nothing has been diagnosed. AS has had many interests in the past, but as the teenage years have gone on he has been more interested in playing with his mates and on the PS4 than doing anything else.

The one interest he had kept up was scuba diving, but sadly with the pandemic that hasn’t been possible. I’m really worried about his lack of engagement and willingness to look at post 16 options. I would love to ignite that “sense of excitement for the future”, but I’m really struggling. In normal times it would be much easier to access and experience things too (hard to interest him in looking through a prospectus for example, rather than just visiting a college).

I have looked up IPSEA and have book an appointment with them. It can only help.

Just wanted to add about the PS4 - I used to have battles over this - the Camhs specialist teacher was one of those who said it should be taken away - I tried once and he went berserk - lashing out at everything - he said it helped him deal with the bullying - and I realised too at one time it was his only social contact - so though I hated it I became much more relaxed. Once he found other things to do it took second place. Even now - at 23 - because it’s lockdown - he can’t do any training or coaching - he’s on it most of the time. He’s working for himself and sometimes for another coach and also does racquet stringing and had just started working 2 days in the shop at the gym so is actually doing ok and had managed to build up his business quite well between lockdowns. Your son will be fine - school isn't for everybody

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced horrific bullying - that's awful and no one deserves to go through that. Iagree that schools need to change. Just recently I learned about Attachment/ trauma friendly schools and it was so validating learning that the types of ideas I had about what school ought to be like were echoed in this model of schooling.

Aw, that's understandable. Perhaps he just needs more time. Sometimes that can be the case. So long as you are a good and safe foundation, and you make that known and treat him with respect etc, becoming more open with you will be easier. I wish I could give you more advice! It's hard for boys because they're socialised to hide their feelings - and indeed, as you mentioned, feel ashamed of them :-( Perhaps with time, he will start to learn that he has a right to feel them, and may express them with you when ready. Perhaps you could have catch ups together, just like friends do, where you sit down with a hot drink and talk about anything you feel comfortable with. You sound like someone who cares, and that's a great quality ? Best wishes xxx