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Life is so rubbish - you are right. She's in such a vulnerable place. I am so glad that she has you, and even though it might seem like it, she will be as well. I wonder if there might be other ways you can help her fill that need to explore her biological roots? For example our teenage AD doesn't know who her birth father is, but we have a rough idea of where in the UK he is from, so we talk about where it is, what it might like to live there etc. we know a bit about her maternal grandmother, so we talk about her too. But on the other hand, we also have long roots in our family, and we talk about the ways she fits in there - hair colour, resemblance to other members of both sides of our family. She loves all of that, although I appreciate that other adoptees might not. we also say to her that she now has the equivalent of dual nationality - she is part of our family tree forever, for better or for worse! I hope things go well with her pregnancy, and that she feels a wee bit better soon. and am so glad she has you both xx

Life is so rubbish - you are right. She's in such a vulnerable place. I am so glad that she has you, and even though it might seem like it, she will be as well. I wonder if there might be other ways you can help her fill that need to explore her biological roots? For example our teenage AD doesn't know who her birth father is, but we have a rough idea of where in the UK he is from, so we talk about where it is, what it might like to live there etc. we know a bit about her maternal grandmother, so we talk about her too. But on the other hand, we also have long roots in our family, and we talk about the ways she fits in there - hair colour, resemblance to other members of both sides of our family. She loves all of that, although I appreciate that other adoptees might not. we also say to her that she now has the equivalent of dual nationality - she is part of our family tree forever, for better or for worse! I hope things go well with her pregnancy, and that she feels a wee bit better soon. and am so glad she has you both xx

I like that concept of dual nationality - that’s makes it much easier to understand as it’s such a complex situation White Christmas - sounds as if your daughter is able to talk to you and accept your support which is really important - also if she is beginning to see BMs behaviour as inappropriate and tell her so I think it bodes well for the future when she has a vulnerable baby to protect - which she will want to do her best to do. Does she have any other birth family contact or is there a way she can keep in touch in a very loose and general way if she still wants contact but needs to protect herself and her baby? Does she have any other support person who could help here - a counsellor maybe as it may be a good time for that (if she’s happy to do so) She is very lucky to have you and I’m sure she’s aware of that though it is so difficult for her at the moment and she is so young

The birth mother is not going to invade your life if you do not want that. You need to give your daughter bounderies about what you accept and not in your house (incase you are afraid those are not clear). For example bm is not welcome to visit. If she wants to see baby suggest your daughter meet at a public place. I suggest you do not look at the birth family on facebook, what your daughter does is her choice but you do not need to be involved in those mental drama games the birth family play with your daughter. Support her without that it becomes an huge emotional burden for you. Try to see it as that's part of her and she needs to explore this part of her life. A much bigger part is history she shared with your family, the fact that you become a grand parent and she a parent, the relationship you have with her what sounds open and meaningfull. Soon your daughter will be very busy and tired and is likely to need practical support, I think she is likely to give this task to you, not her birth mother.

Thank you all for your wise words and observations that have given me food for thought. It is v complex. We have been seeing post adoption support, CAMHS then adult mental health for nine years now. The one constant amazing post adoption support worker has a very good relationship with our AD and understands her fully but still cannot advise her about anything when our AD has urges that even she doesn't understand herself. Our AD lives with her boyfriend ten mins away from us and wants to be independent in all her decisions but is very dependent on us to keep her emotionally, physically and financially afloat. Usually the pattern is that AD will block BM on Facebook , then BM will create another name and find a way to contact our AD using false claims like she is dying or she has opened a bank account for her to access. This is how she gets her hooks into our AD who will then try to repair a toxic relationship, believing deep down that as a toddler she was to blame for BM's behaviour, as BM told her amongst other lies that she was a naughty child in one of her toxic narratives. So then our AD meets with BM at her house, on her terms, primarily to see two young half siblings and is on the receiving end of BM's heavy traumatic narratives from the past and current family drama. Our AD is then in emotional pain and it's too late to protect herself. We then attempt to repair the damage but are not always able to do so with dire consequences that I can't go into on here in any detail. Obviously the pregnancy has reawakened all sorts of feelings and adds to the mess. As for other birth family, BM has made a variety of claims about different birth fathers but may not know who it really was as she was 14, with a chaotic lifestyle and on drugs at the time. We know that various family members and hangers on were a significant threat to children so we are fearful of any relationships with birth family. Our own famiies live 2 hours away and we have suffered a number of bereavements so our families are rather small but loving towards our AD when they see her. We are trying to support our AD whilst limiting the emotional burden but not really knowing how to do that and fearing the next emotional grenade. I agree completely Pluto with your final paragraph. Your kind, wise words have helped and I don't feel alone.

I think maybe the thing to focus on with her - rather than what she wants for herself or her relationship with BM is what she wants for her baby. I’m sure she will want the best and want to protect her (or him) from what she went through and that might help her realise that she would be better off keeping her baby away from birth family in order to keep her safe

I agree with you Safia. I will keep trying to shift her focus. Unfortunately, I think that having a baby is again about what our AD wants, not much about what she wants for the baby. It is definitely a reaction to her trauma, as she has suffered from two phantom pregnancies in her early teens, an indicator of developmental trauma. Today she seems a bit more aware that BM cannot provide her with anything and has a negative impact. Also, BM is starting to say that she cannot handle the pressure that our AD is placing on her, the pressure to be a responsible, caring or protective force. It is hard for our AD to hear another form of 'rejection' but it is the reality of the sad situation so may help our AD to pull away for now.

this is frightening, my sister who was adopted and is that age is also pregnant, and having issues with her BM, i totally ignore the woman but she is constantly let down by and her and moved back to be nearer to her

Sorry that my posts may have alarmed you. Our AD has stopped contacting BM for now. She was very angry and hurt but is starting to accept that BM cannot change. Perhaps pregnancy brought issues back but she is starting to focus on friends now. I hope your sister comes through and realises who she can rely on.