We are proud parents to adopted son, 4, came to us Via foster to adopt when he was 13 months and birth daughter 6. We are all very happy. We got on well with birth mum who is just 18 and have actively Encouraged letter box contact. For the first year she didn’t but has now sent two letter which is great. Initially in the contact plan their was discussion on providing photo once a year, but then the chair decided not to pursue that because birth mum was in a delicate place during court process. The contact has now gone from LA to Agency, The agency asked us about whether we could send a photo. After discussion we decided we would, providing photo stayed with agency (birth mum could see it at office). We have now received the second letter and birth mum has asked about sending birthday and Christmas cards. I don’t think in principle I’m against it, it will be good for son to know that his birth mum has remembered him at these special times but I’m also conscious this is two enhancements to contact in a relatively small amount of time. I’m also concerned that if she starts doing that and then stops it could mitigate the good being done by the contact already in place. Anyone have any experience or thoughts on this? I’d speak to the agency but they don’t really seem that on the ball.
Increased contact with birth mother
We used to get birthday and christmas cards, but it was all send as one letterbox contact in late autumn. These cards can be disruptive and you are right in worrying that she might not continue to send them, so I think I would agree but maybe let sw make her aware that it will all be send in one go. So she can send the cards, but it will still be one letterbox contact for you.
We had the same - all came in one go - so for one of my children it was always way out of date. I ended up not giving them to them as they’d look at them and leave them lying around and I failed to see any positives but rather that it put a damper on the whole birthday thing. Mine were both tiny babies when taken into care so again it didn’t really mean much. Also I think it’s hard for the birth parents to accept the reality when they keep having reminders of a child out there they gave birth to and maybe build up a fantasy of a future relationship. Is there anyone you could discuss it with? Or you could accept them and then make your own judgement as to whether to pass them on - though if you don’t ever do so you then could leave yourself open to accusation from a teenager that you have withheld them. Ours were part of the original agreement and I think you’re right to worry about her maybe pushing the boundaries.
We were pressured into agreeing with birthday and Christmas cards even though we’d specifically said no initially. Those times can be tricky for some kids and wondering whether those cards will come or not come isn’t necessarily helpful. For us, birthdays and Christmas are happy times and so we made the decision to accept them but not to share. We also had to balance the feelings of our other two who have no contact. When I feel the time is right, when I think my son has the maturity to deal with it then I’ll share. But I will make that decision as I’m the one who knows him best!
We had letterbox contact once a year in the summer. BM pushed to be allowed to send cards and delayed sending postbox until Christmas. She asked for photos whilst refusing to send any of herself or from my daughter's infancy. She continually increased requests until there was one request I refused with good reason. She never wrote again and it has caused huge heartache for my daughter. We also had face to face contact with ADs brother. That was stopped at his request. Another huge trauma for my daughter. Whilst I don't disagree with postbox, when it goes wrong it is so traumatic for the child. With hindsight I should have limited it to the basics and refused any additions.
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