Not much more to add to the title really, just having a toys-out-of-the-pram moment. I’ve discovered this evening that the ONE effing-jeffing Christmas present that ANYONE bought me (a small box of M&S truffles) has been stolen & gorged on by my elder adoptive daughter. God knows under which rug or behind which wardrobe I will find the empty box tomorrow. Sick of feeling mugged off, sick of behaving like a prison warder, sick of bl**dy therapeutic parenting, sick of having to live with any sugary food having to be put into lockdown, sick of being ‘blamed’ by therapists/adoption professionals for actually having (gasp) biscuits in my house, because it’s putting temptation in temptations way. A bit like blaming wealthy folk for being responsible for being burgled because they dare to have expensive, nice things. And, yes, I’ve spent 10 sodding years giving my child a snack.box of finite treats for the week. But, you know what, she WILL eat the week’s rations in five seconds flat - and then continue to steal more. Nothing is sacred and no boundary is respected. Grandma’s 75th birthday chocolates were stolen from her bedroom where she spends most of her time as she is dying. Apologies for the rant and the lack of paragraphs - I’m too exercised to be concerned with grammatical issues!
The lies, the stealing, the cheating & the gaslighting: after a decade, I think I’m done...
It’s a sad reflection on the state of these boards that no one has replied.
I was going to reply yesterday but I didn’t feel qualified.
i totally get being tired of therapeutic parenting, it’s exhausting! Maybe a bit a reverse psychology is needed... go out and buy excess amounts of m & s truffles, sit down with child and give her permission to eat one, then another , then another. Keep going until the point of sickness. It worked with me , when I was caught smoking many years ago, my dad sat my down and encouraged me to smoke cigs one after the other until I was sick,...never smoked another cigarette again. Nothing therapeutic about it, but it worked.
And as for being “blamed” by patronising professionals, offer them an m & s truffle and tell them to do one.
Oh, Furcifer - sending my hugs. Feel free to rant away, it something we all need to do! Hope you're feeling more relaxed today (and have managed have some sugary treats all to yourself)
So maddening about the Christmas present - I can fully understand! I think I’ve just lowered my expectations so much over the years that I don’t expect anything for myself. And hiding the food - we still do that too - ridiculous when they’re 24 and 22 (albeit with learning difficulties!) We only have biscuits once a week or something and I try to choose things that aren’t their favourites most of the time and hide them if more than one packet. Luckily the stealing has stopped but I have to keep ADs bank card except when she needs it and have money going into a savings account and some drawn for me (housekeeping etc) as soon as she gets it or it all goes to amazon prime! Therapeutic parenting is so difficult to be honest and so hard to maintain under that level of provocation.
Feel free to rant as much as you like
Oh sorry to read this, a bit like Jingle Bells I don’t feel qualified to help with any advice but would echo the encouragement to vent here whenever you need.
Being therapeutic is easier said that done, especially in the face of continued challenging behaviour. I literally threw therapeutic parenting out the window (along with my boy’s fave teddy) when he started destroying his room. Not my finest moment but it sure stopped him and his rage in his tracks.
Have a bit of self care and treat yourself to something just for you x
Oh, thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and thanks for the empathy and understanding; I hadn’t realised I’m meant to tick a notification box to alert me to replies so I felt like I’d been venting in a vacuum or a bell jar (which was absolutely fine, actually, as I just needed some bandwidth to get my red-most anger off my chest as there are only a very few trusted real-life folk (you do know who you are!) with whom I can share all the grim details of just how cr@p things actually are currently.
It’s not just the stealing, lying, gaslighting, secreting of wrappers, foul-mouthed volcanic outbursts and violence that have recalibrated my tipping point, there are a whole host of significant personal care-related issues which are slowly robbing me of my sanity (but to spare my child from possible humiliation lest she be recognised, I will refrain from spelling these out in any detail).
Anyway, a few hours of walking solo in our woods has helped restore some equilibrium and I’m revisiting the old ‘fake it till you make it” mantra in the hope that if I can pretend to like my child again, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
MamaBear, your story about launching teddy out of the window resonated for me - when I discovered my missing Christmas chocolates, my toddler brain kicked in and I ripped up Big Girl’s sketch book (art is her passion). Therapeutic parenting 0, Parenting Fail 1.
Thank you for your honest post. My adopted son surprised me with a small box of chocolates for Christmas but 2 days later the box had gone and was found empty in his bedroom. I had'nt even opened it. Combined with an extended period of verbal abuse, aggression and violence therapeutic parenting seems difficult to hang onto and I too find it difficult to like my son. Can read the theory for ever but reality of day to day living is a different thing
Hi Jammy, nice to meet you. I do honest very well these days (don’t mess with the menopausal lady!) but it’s taken me 11 years to get to this point. I was the proverbial swan for a decade, now I want everyone to know how ugly the frantic paddling looks beneath the surface.
I’m blessed to have some equally struggling and equally cynical real-life adoptive friends and one of the best laughs I’ve had in weeks was listening to a top therapeutic parenting tip for dealing with children who refuse to walk home after school - why not arrange for someone you know (ie another school mum) to walk behind you to give you some assistance?! What like every one of the 180 days of the year that our kids are at school? And who the fook would volunteer to take on that role as our kids are practising their karate moves on us and cussing worse than an x-rated movie in front of their little Jemima?
I’m sorry for you that your chocolates were stolen (and you will know it’s not about the chocolates per se, I actually cannot stand the clagginess of those revolting M&S truffles - it’s more about the disregarding of personal boundaries (for me, anyway) and, if I’m brutally honest, being sucked into patterns of addictive behaviour and worrying about the writing on the wall (purse and handbag needing to be locked away at night?)
Maybe hold on to the thought that your son cares for you enough to have wanted to buy you a gift to demonstrate his love?
I think it’s okay to admit that sometimes we don’t like our children; we are among friends here.
Hope things get better for you as he gets older. Are you able to access respite care over there, given his level of need? You sound as though you need more than 4 days break. xx
Wishfull thinking, lol. Respite is no point, it's too hard work when he comes back, better keep the momentum going, fancy a holiday in France? lol
I have done 14 years or so, another 4 and I'm freeeeeeeeeeee, lol.
Hi Ceres
Sorry to hear that your family are struggling but thank you for sharing – it must have been difficult to do so. We have sent you a DM.
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Best wishes, Online Team AUK
I am just doing fine but understand that the reality of adopting some of the most damaged children is not pretty. I am committed towards him, and professional, but enjoy him...... not really. Only the ones of us living with the restictions you have to implement to prevent things happening truely understand. Can not be trusted, steals like crazy, is the biggest lier I met in life, you know why? not because the kid is bad but because the alcohol. Sad but true. There are no answers, just accept the situation, be committed and be aware of your own bounderies. Stay 'neutral', make nothing personal, be fair but strict, do not argue with the child, and years fly by, lol
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Many thanks,
Charlotte (AUK)
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