Edited 17/02/2021
Considering adoption - already have a 4 year old BS - Our story below
universe83
June 11, 2018 12:49
Hi Everyone, I am 35 and my DH is 36. We were always told we would never be able to have children due to fertility issues. We were told to go and consider a sperm donor etc. To cut a long story short we had by a miracle our BS but we had started to look into adoption before I was pregnant and the longing to adopt has never left me. Despite the fact my BS was a complete miracle (Drs have said its unlikely to happen again) I had a horrible pregnancy with high blood pressure, prenatal depression and then post natal depression after a traumatic labour where my son nearly died and then I had a severe infection and was very poorly myself. We always said I would never go through that again. However, now my son is older we would like to expand our family and give a child a loving, stable and fun home. My son is also desperate for a sibling. However, being pregnant again and physically giving birth (or even a C Section) is not what we desire. I am really keen any social workers don't see our desire for adoption as me thinking it is an easier way to getting a child because I don't at all. I am an ex teacher and my DH is a teacher and we have had first hand experience of children who have been adopted and all it brings for their families as they get older and deal with self esteem and other issues. I was just wondering how likely we are to be considered and are they likely to just tell us to try for our own? When we originally looked into adoption it filled our hearts with glee and terror but then the choice was taken away when I fell pregnant but I remember saying to myself 'I will still do this for another child one day'. It is an ache that has not gone and I like to think we would be a really lovely forever family for some little one who has not had a good start in life. Any advice will be so gratefully received. Thanks Em
LOTUS
July 13, 2018 21:42
Our birth child was 4 when we started the adoption process for a sibling for her. We are way down the road now and our birth daughter is 16 and our adopted daughter is 12. We adopted her at almost 2 years old. It has been the hardest thing we have ever done. I thought I could easily love another child but it has been difficult and still is. I cannot see that social services will tell you to try for another - that is none of their business. What you went through with your pregnancy is a valid reason for not doing it again and a great reason to consider adoption. My advice would be to do what we did, take it a step at a time. Apply....think it through.....meet a social worker.....think it through.......go on the prep course.......think it through etc.. One step at a time and take your time. It is a big decision and will not turn out the way you imagine that is for sure!! Good luck :)
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ham
July 13, 2018 22:37
Parenting an adopted child is different to parenting a birth child due to the often poor early experiences and possible poor life style choices of the birth family ie drugs and alcohol . your son may want a sibling but any adopted child may well come with some trauma and no one can predict how this with affect the adopted child and may impact massively on your family and perhaps wont be the sibling your son hoped or wanted read upon trauma and attachment they are not scare stories but real life and think carefully as lotus says . my birth child came unexpectedly after I adopted so was born into chaos and to be honest have no idea how he turned at so normal as I had very little with him due to the needs of the others.
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catanddog
August 2, 2018 10:10
I wish you all the luck in the world. As a wife of an adopted man - who had 2 birth siblings - please make sure you treat them all the same. Please be aware of the adopted childs needs- and love him with every bone in your body. Make him feel special and loved and normal - he/she won;t be the same as your birth child nor will he/she feel as secure as your birth child. I wish you good luck with it all - and hope you all have a very happy ending. x
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Claireamy1
August 13, 2018 19:39
We've just started the process to adopt. Our BS is nearly 4 and it sounds like our pregnancy, birth and baby phase were very similar!! Our initial visit worker took down all our motivations for adopting rather than having another biologically. Apparently the motivations were discussed at the meeting that devices whether you get onto the programme or not and we got a call the same day to day we had been accepted!! So we are just in the early phase. References, medicals etc but it wasn't a barrier to getting onto the process. Good luck!!
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Midge
August 23, 2018 22:01
Be aware that the lovely forever family may never be more than a dream. Adopted children import trauma to your functional family; it could be the best thing you've ever done or the worst and something which devastates your family. I personally would give your son another couple of years of your undivided attention before pursuing adoption. Im a parent of 3 BC 29, 25, 21 and AC 13.
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Larsti
August 23, 2018 22:40
Our family is very similar in shape to Midges. I remember our assessing SW saying 'they'll never be siblings' I was speechless and she then said 'well it depends if they like each other. All 3 BCs have a bond with AC and they love each other but it's very complicated. Only the other day one of our BCs was worrying about what will happen when we are gone or very elderly. AC has special needs which is not at all uncommon in adoption. My personal view is I wouldn't want to adopt with 1 BC. It's not easy being a birth sibling of an adopted child. We knew a couple in a similar situation to you who ended up with the relinquished baby of a teenager. No alcohol issues no learning difficulties. It was more akin to adoption in years gone by That child will still have deep emotional issues ( read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier) and possibly issues caused by stress during pregnancy ( effects of cortisol) but not the issues that many adopters have to deal with. Sounds very negative I know. I think Midge gives good advice about a bigger age gap. Best Wishes Larsti
Edited 17/02/2021
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