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I'm not sure that 'suspicious' is quite the right word. Upset, cross, angry, feeling discriminated against - those might be more apt? From what you have said, it would seem a reasonable deduction that the foster carers don't approve of your relationship. If that turns out to be the case, in my mind, they are being discriminatory to you. I'm not sure how you would find out though, or what you can do about it - I don't know if there are procedures. I wish I could be more helpful. There's another poster somewhere on the boards who's going through something similar, as the FCs have applied to adopt their prospective match too. There might be some wise words to read there. As you say, the adoption process can be fraught with difficulties - sadly, that's the nature of it. It is rubbish. But you have done the right thing by jumping through all the hoops so far. How much do you feel that this match is the right one for you both? You may end up with delays, but it would all be worth it if you were confident that it would be okay in the end. If you are confident about your SW's support, it may well be worth discussing whether the FCs application came from a place of discrimination in that they would rather hang onto the child than see a same sex couple adopt, because that's an awful thing to have to deal with. I don't know how their being discriminatory would in itself stop the application - it's not something I have heard of before, and the danger is that they could pretend otherwise. I think SWs are good at seeing through most people's motives though, so hopefully all will come out into the open. I hope someone can give you more advice. For what it's worth, I know some very maternal gay men. I hope things work out - keep us informed.

Really sorry to hear this. Foster carers do sometimes apply to adopt the child at the last moment, like you are describing. It doesn't mean they will be allowed to do it and they may reconsider. What does your agency say?

@Haven - the match is good from our perspective. We can tick so many boxes for the child that the FCs cannot (or at least what we know of so far). Certainly they don't satisfy the racial and cultural requirements. This is just our feelings and unless they were open about it, we can't push the subject. We are definitely angry but we can only push ahead with the hope that we got this all wrong. We are very clear though that we won't allow any pointed questions again and will challenge when we can. We agree with you, even with this discrimination, why would FCs suddenly not be allowed to apply for a SGO. The prospective adopters role is one without any voice and having to tip-toe around everyone. We have a meeting with the child's LA soon to get some insights. We are expecting to get the cold shoulder and told to sit in our corner and keep quiet. We will, however, be cleat that we don't be hanging around forever. This thought for us is really hard because we truly believe in the match but need to accept losing the child now is better than just before the Adoption hearing. @Flosskirk = Our own LA is upset with the FCs. They agree with us on all fronts and are trying to see whether there is something else involvement. Their feeling is that the female FC is too attached to the child and it is really hard for her to let go. We can totally understand that but their role is as a FC and they ruled out adoption etc many times before the LA went out searching for a forever family. We hope the child's LA is supportive of us adopting. If they aren't or they give us a politicians answer (meaning no answer) then we need to reflect and perhaps drop out of the process for this child. It's really stressful and emotionally draining when we have read the CPR, seen videos and pictures, discussed at length with experts, and yet there's this problem with FCs at the last minute. Fingers crossed. Thanks both for your support

Very hard for you. So sorry you are going through this. FCs are very valuable resources to LAs and they are often keen to appease them and turn blind eyes to certain behaviours. However, I feel really strong in my belief that diversity training should be a big part of their job. 1 in 9 adoptions are from LBGT adopters and so FCs with deep held prejudices need to be identified. They can prohibit children successfully making the huge transition into permanancy with as little trauma as possible. Keep us updated. (Ps not of help, but just reminded me that our LOs birth mother had many objections to his adoption and fought it tooth and nail. However the one thing she strangely never objected to was him being adopted by two men. Her reasoning was that it meant he only ever had one mum. And neither of us ‘could replace that’. Lots to unpack in that but there you go!

Sorry to hear this. Not much help I'm sure, but I wonder if you've put together a written record of the meeting in which they asked you these questions. From my memory of meeting FCs and the role of that meeting in the process, it was meant to be about you as adopters getting more understanding of the child and a little bit about building a relationship prior to introductions. They shouldn't have a role in vetting you as prospective adopters (I don't think?). If there's any clear evidence that they were doing that, your social workers should be tackling that with the FC's supervisors.... Fingers crossed for you anyway.

We had the chat with the child's LA. We decided not to raise our suspicions as we don't have firm proof and didn't feel anyone would do or even be able to do anything about it. The meeting didn't give us any real insights but we had a glimmer of hope that the child's SA are still supportive of us adopting. They sent the FCs to an independent body where they can see what their options are and test these in light of what is in the best interest of the child. The FCs are looking at the Special Guardianship Order and we suspect they are also going to consider adoption. If they went with adoption then our own SW said they would be approved as prospective adopters but it would not be automatic that they would get the child. They still do not match all the things that CPR asked for. SGO would mean 1 year delay (and a friend of ours said it was 2 years for his kid). Adoption checks etc would be around the same. We will know officially in about 2 weeks time. Now it is a waiting game. If we do get a positive result, we will have to think hard about the FCs and their prejudices. If they have such a problem, we won't want them any where near us but we know they will have to be involved for the sake of the child. The child shouldn't suffer just because the adults have their own issues. So frustrating.

I hope thinks work out for you. Sometimes adoption world is just crazy. I'm cross for you that you didn't feel able to bring your suspicions up, but I do understand - I probably would have done the same - it just seems to scary to rock the boat at such a delicate time. I also wanted to say that we didn't see our AS's FCs after we adopted - they didn't think we were good enough (no-one would have been) but they were grandparent age and wanted to keep fostering for the money, so adoption was out of the question for them. The upshot was that they didn't prepare our boy very well for being placed, although at 4, how could he be prepared anyway? He was very angry and very afraid when he came to us. It was his SW who told us we shouldn't extend the relationship as it wouldn't be helpful. On the other hand, we talked about them a lot with him (positively) and nearly 9 years on, I'm trying to encourage my boy to write to them. he wants to, but x box usually wins!

I hope it all works out for you. At least after 2 weeks you will know the way forward. If you do go ahead with this child bear in mind you only have to see the FCs during the intros and that you are doing those for the benefit of the child. After that whether you have contact or not is up to you. During intros you just have to keep reminding yourself that you are doing this to help your child make the transition and look on it as you would any professional project - it may not be easy - and you will have your own SW to support you as well as the child's SW - they may not be there in person but will be wanting to ensure all goes well from behind the scenes and should be able to intervene if there is any problem. Good luck

Quick update - we expected to hear back today but got told they are giving the FCs the weekend to think more about it because they only met the counselor recently and they were asked to take the weekend to think. No idea how to read that. So we have to wait.......again!

Sounds to me like the FC are still going down the adoption route, surely if they had changed their minds they would have told the SW when they spoke to them. I hope you get the best outcome for you and the child and that the SW don’t keep you hanging on much past Monday.

But it also sounds as if SS are trying to work with them to change their minds - I'm assuming that's why they were to see the counsellor?

Both are real possibilities. Our sense is that the child's SW and LA is not supportive of the foster carers seeking SGO. However, the FCs might be looking at adoption route. If they go with adoption, we feel the LA will go with the foster carers despite the FCs ticking less boxes. The main reason being that the child is settled and happy there. As the LA was not supportive, it was the LA that sent the FCs to an independent agency. So again, we wait .....

So the FCs are now back on board with us but need 3 months before we can go to matching panel. We know something has happened and we won't be told what or why it needs 3 months. We tried to get panel moved up but without success. We want to get excited but really we can't because the FCs can change their minds again and frustrate all of this. If they hadn't done this, we would have had a child running around our home this month. Now we wait and pray things will go better. All that said, we know others are finding it more difficult with linking, matching and even LAs pulling back. Some have taken breaks and others are looking around in bewilderment. If this is what is in the best interest of a children needing homes, then something needs fixing. Prospective adopters .....future parents ...need more say and respect. This does not outweigh what is in the best interest of the child but we shouldn't have to sit quietly in the corner and take everything on the chin. We should have a voice. We truly hope that any misgivings the FCs have around same-sex parenting are not true. If they are, we will be using this time to help them understand their prejudices and learn to accept with an open heart. Otherwise, the alternative will not benefit the child at all.

That all sounds really positive - though the additional wait will be really hard - it sounds like you’ve got their backing - perhaps the delay is to do with them working with FCs to get them to accept what is happening and to help them work towards a smooth transition for the child? Hope it all goes well and before long you will have your child finally with you

Update: We have had various conversations now with SWs on both sides and also brief discussions with the FCs. We could another request to explain female support within our network but was heavily explained as not being connected to any LGBT related issue. Sounds like progress.