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Hi Adoptionpp,

It's so hard to stay positive isn't it? Especially when you reach out. (((Hugs.))))

I hope that AD has a good team around her, she certainly needs lots of support, even if she doesn't seem particularly willing to receive it.

Two weeks ago we met AD for XMAS market and it has now turned nasty thereafter.

We bought her present for her room (a microwave she desperately needed) and when inquiring a few days later if she received it, we got a very nasty text...she was drunk staying at the previous carer, saying she does not look at us as parents and never gave a monkeys about us, the hate was pouring out reinforced and empowered by audience of the carer. AD was playing adults against each other again...but I did not take the bait as clearly the carer had!

Today, a large family function which AD really wanted attend and when asking her to apologise for her previous comms, a phone call from AD with a torent of abuse was hurled at us, again using carer to support but this time the carer was drunk as well (a mid 50's lady) and the carer ended the call telling me to 'F off!'...we were shocked. She clearly has been manipulated by AD. Again I did not bite and asked AD if everything was ok, as she seems to be troubled since turning 18 and asked her to attend with me to see the therapist, explaining she is more qualified and has more history and will help her more than the carer who is just fueling her behaviour. Again more abuse hurled at me!

Therefore AD did not attend family function today but it was sad as all her cousins were there.

Does anyone have experience of this, something has flipped in AD since becoming an adult?

Firstly ((hugs)) - its so hard when our adoptees reject us....do keep looking after yourselves.

Secondly, remember this is not the end of the story...many adoptees go through this phase, which frequently also involves reconnecting with their birth families and most come out the other end and are able to reconnect with their adoptive parents. Its almost like they need to reject us to find their own way and it can be very hurtful....two of ours have done this...we are still waiting for the third to return...I touch base every so often and have no expectations....

I would also recommend taking a look at Potato- a support group of adopters of Traumatised Adopted Teens (PoTATo) https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/ They have a very active forum and I've always received fantastic support. Most are former AUK members...

Good luck with your journey

Bop x

Thanks

Does anyone know the legal rights of our children once they turn 18 (and left home) and contact with their siblings (minors) still living at home?

In our situation, while we have no problem in AD seeing her half-sister, we do have concerns that she may influence her adversely to go down a similar route. Therefore they have no social media contact and when we meet it is heavily supervised (not left on their own) which AD greatly objects to.

We do want them to maintain the relationship (for the long term benefit) but we need to protect her younger sister at the same time and we think AD is now playing that card (even though she did not want to know her for last two years while she was getting upto all sorts associating with gangs). Basically she is now challenging our parental authority over her authority as a birth sibling.

Knowing AD's game we think she may want to cause disruption in order get her half sister to live with her, using uninformed carer as an advocate for this (reliving the 2016 court case manipulation).

Any advice would be most welcome.

I think any rights would be in relation to protecting your younger child from harm - it would be a safeguarding issue - and AD's involvement with gangs etc and her mental health problems would be enough to make a case. Do you have SS involvement for your family / younger daughter? If not could you contact someone asap (as these things take time) - maybe even PASW could advise - make the necessary contacts? It would be stronger the younger your other daughter is I think and also what sort of relationship they had before. I wouldn't have thought AD has any "rights" as such to contact her sister. How does your younger daughter feel about it all? Does she want contact - and if so it would be hard to prevent and you might be better looking at other options

Thanks Safia,

We have maintained contact with SS teams overseeing AD since she left, who have encouraged AD to see therapist and recognise need to maintain our family support. We think AD is playing games to take control of situation (now as adult) and have decided to give it some space.

AD needs to reflect on her recent behaviour, and while we need to be strong when she uses us as a 'punchbag', we also need to reduce our expectations.

SS now only provide AD an advisory service and are fully aware of toxic Break and Repair cycle AD continues on with any relationship.

As for younger sibling it is natural for her to see her sister which we are supporting for her and AD long term benefit, but we need to manage the risk AD causes.