Archived Forums

Sure others will be along with different ideas.we had similar ( maybe not as challenging) issue with one of our AD.She moved in with Foster Carers , in our County town at nearly 16.That broke down within a few weeks, and SS refused to try a different FC, and she was placed in a rough B and B in same Town. We worried a lot, as she was at great risk there.At no point though did she ask to return, or say any of her behaviours would change. I could not countence continuing as we had been, trying to keep jobs going, and other daughter was traumatised by her sisters behaviour. We therefore visited her regularly, brought her food parcels etc, but did not invite her back. She became pregnant at 16, we set her up in a flat with BF which she wanted. That didn't work out, but we did take her and baby back 18 months later. Unfortunately that was hell, she left, after a year and left baby with us. I guess you really have to go with your gut feelings. Life will be difficult for you as a family, and the cycle will probably continue. However, if you feel you must, and would be plagued with guilt, go ahead. In our case, AD is now 29, relatively stable, married with another little child who she has parented with great love and attention. Never worked but doing well in a Masters degree. Unfortunately her first child has been diagnosed with Disorganised Attachment and Autism. So we still help out a lot, things are easier though. There is no way though I could ever live with her again.

It doesn't sound like she would be coming back having learnt anything that would change things yet. And at that age your authority or control are likely to be minimal. I have heard Pear Tree talk of " Parenting from a distance" which involves being supportive and sympathetic and encouraging them to do the right thing, but not allowing them to wriggle away from facing reality. Presumably present carer has put in some boundaries that AD doesn't like. Maybe she might have to comply if not given a get out clause. Moving back with you will just give her extra money for weed as she doesn't have to spend money on fares to see her " mates" And she will also be able to be with them more frequently. If you lived on an isolated ranch it might be different and you might stand a chance of keeping her from bad influences, but in an ordinary Uk setting unlikely. Is she having any therapy that helps her address issues?

Carer is youth worker and the charity and Make a Change SW provide support, so AD has lots of adults around her but we think she gives them lip service. Recently she requested to see same therapist as during 2016 courts case, which her SW has started the referral but that will not be quick knowing their procedures. The scary thing is she will be adult in 6 months time but mentally she acts early teens. I have tried to encourage AD to get a job but excuses are made for adverts I send to her. Boundaries are there and AD knows Police will be on her case if she goes missing again like she did at YMCA. Her concept of life at the moment is paying carer 20 pound a week and they share cooking and shopping. So the charity are guiding her into independence but she just is not responsible.

That sounds a decent set up, as best as can be done for someone her age and with her present outlook. She may not be taking notice at the moment, but she is learning stuff that may one day come to be useful when she has matured a bit.

I'm not sure there is much more you can do. My dd is 18 and at home but she certainly isn't mature for her age. In some aspects she is but in others also like a much younger teen. She barely does anything round the house and asks for help still to clean her room. We've talked about her getting a part time job but frankly I'm not sure she is ready to hack doing as she's told or coping with something hard or boring. It's an achievement that she actually washes without being reminded sometimes and seems to clean her teeth every night! She is at college luckily. I think many adopters are probably similar. It must be so tough having her live away from you but from what you've said in the past, it's probably for the best for now. One of dd's favourite sayings at the moment is "I'm 18 and I can do what I want" which is true. Fortunately so far she hasn't wanted to do anything too awful and we do have some influence over her, but without that it's really difficult.

Hi, yes I think parenting from a distance might be worth a go. I really wouldn’t think having her home is positive for her or you actually. YMCA are not the only provider and the one here is pretty rough. However there are other providers of supported living. Some are better. Some are bad. I’ve had direct experience of Blossom living in both ends of the spectrum. When ss move her, they sometimes decide not to tell you where. This happened with blossoms last few moves as she had hit 17. Just be aware they do do this, without any apparent reason. I’m encouraged that she’s on a music course and keen to try therapy. Parenting from a distance isn’t easy. But it is easier than day to day live in the middle, smack bang in and of their trauma. Some people are completely involved with their adoptees for some years. I’m afraid our contact with Blossom had to stop due to the extreme threats etc but for many families this isn’t the case. Most have a middle balance. On a different level, we still do a lot of arms length boundaried parenting from a distance with Partridge. He’s 24 but mostly about 14/15yrs maturity wise. Plenty of stuff he won’t let us be involved with at all. But we try and give him reassurance that he’s worth love, good things, happy times. The bit I struggle with most is the incessant lying. But yes it can be done. There is a legal bit that says social care aren’t supposed to treat traumatised yp as a housing issue. Things to think about: Do college supply any supportive accommodation? Are mental health involved and can she get help from them towards a suitable placement?

Here’s the legal bit I referred to http://england.shelter.org.uk/legal/housing_options/young_people_and_care_leavers/leaving_care_provisions

Also might be if interest http://www.barnardos.org.uk/care_leavers_accom_and_support_framework.pdf.