Archived Forums

I suspect he is trying to provoke you to get angry - there are lots of potential reasons he may be trying to recreate his early life he may be testing out if you really love him even if he's naughty he may be feeling bad about himself so doing something to confirm that he may have a different reason, but there is likely to be a reason My advice when he does this is to remain calm (and yes you do have to learn to do this and make sure you look after yourself, as its counter biology, so exhausting), reassure him that you love him even when he is naughty and get him to help in the clear up. He may initially up the ante a bit, but stick in there. It might be worth contacting post adoption support - though the response can vary hugely - some do more harm than good, some are excellent. Things to look at are theraplay, NVR, DDP, life story work (with a specially trained practitioner). Also you could research yourself - Dan Hughes, Bryan Post, Bruce Perry are all good to start with.

Personally I would contact post adoption support as you would be able to access some help via the ASF. We have had quite a lot of support which has been accessed via the fund, things like emdr trauma therapy, DDP therapy, sensory integration therapy...also one of the things we found really useful was to have 6 sessions with a therapist just me and my dh to discuss family issues and bounce about ideas of why certain behaviours were happening, what was behind it all and how to possibly best manage things etc. It was good to have that forum and space to think and talk. Another book I found quite interesting was the explosive child by Ross greene. It’s not specifically adoption related but very therapeutic in approach. Sounds like you have managed these difficult situations very therapeutically in any event which I’m sure will have helped your son and confirmed to him that you are there for him no matter what xx

Just a thought, but have you ever had him assessed for any other condition? It is just that conditions tend to overlap and if you have one then there is a strong likelihood that you may have others. My ad was first dx with ADHD and ODD, then we uncovered Dyslexia and Dysraxia and lastly she has been dx with ASD. really feel for you as my ad's behaviour is very challenging at times. best wishesxx

Sounds very much like my daughter was at that age - she has severe ADHD but not diagnosed till years later - the meds really help. She has lots of other things in the mix too, including dyslexia. I would contact PASW as they may be able to arrange suitable assessments or therapy. My daughter had anger management counselling for about 2 years through the school and later on art therapy. She has recently started life story work. I really feel for you as the thing that got me down the most was the constant chaos and facing tidying up her room every morning as if it hadn’t been done for months. I highly recommend counselling for yourself - specialist if possible - and also Bryan Post (From Fear to Love and The Great Behaviour Breakdown)

Is it possible puberty is starting as this can cause frequent mood changes? My 13 yo is easily triggered into either low moods or rages at the moment. She has always had occasional tantrums but the causes were easier to detect. Her resilience in dealing with mood changes is weak and she can become ridiculously melodramatic. We have had some support for her and parent counselling for us, and generally the advice is to acknowledge her feelings, recognise she may not really know where they come from (maybe deep seated and buried traumatic memories are being triggered for which the child has no conscious recall) and not react negatively to the outward manifestations- mess caused etc. I'm not sure if "talking it over" is always helpful either. My dd will concoct wild ideas sometimes in an effort to give a reason for her moods. She is also easily re- triggered by talking about actions she feels very ashamed of. And asking her to clear up has a similar effect. Better to be as present as you can (dd screams for us to go away but then follows us making wild threats so she does really want the closeness). Try changing the mood-change the subject, suggest a different calming activity etc. This can work if dd hasn't reached fever pitch. And what we're trying hard to work on now - not to react to what they've done or are threatening to do - really hard if you fear for their safety or that something will be damaged. For a long time we could contain everything at home and dd was fine at school, but now she's older and more aware, she feels pressured by school academic expectations and a low self esteem re her abilities (not warranted but she doesn't see that) and it is spilling over there, though not to the extent of full blown tantrums. You may find parent counselling the most helpful. We have - we have had some via an adoption agency and some from the CAMHS therapist involved with our dd. We also had a lot of parent-only sessions when undergoing therapy with our elder dd. Younger dd has counselling which she really appreciates but she's older than your son and the kind of child who loves to talk about herself. (Our eldest was 17 before she could engage with counselling and is not as able to talk in this way). It is horrible to experience rages. I always feel wrung out and miserable afterwards. But they pass and we have good days / weeks. Bottom line is that everyone should be safe - property is replaceable, parenting rules and expectations can be broken. Remember self care and do something nice for you as it's all too easy to feel at fault when you're not or depressed and anxious about the future. I'm always riffing into some awful future scenario and my DH stops me which is really helpful!

Thank you everyone for your kind and helpful advice. I will give post-adoption a call, I think I'm personally in a better place than I was last time I called them, when I didn't really have the stamina to persist through the process. I really identify with what you are all saying - the catastrophising particularly I've been too quick to do, but am getting better at letting go of. Also just living in chaos can push my buttons, and as this latest thing happened just at the start of school holidays, it made it feel doubly worse. Have just downloaded one of the Bryan Post books onto my Kindle too, so onwards and upwards I hope!

The Sarah Naish book on the A to Z of Therapeutic Parenting can help with responses to situations . It is a book you can dip in and out of, rather than absorbing long texts. I agree with others contacting post adoption service. All the best Johanna

Hi, Well, I think you are doing exactly the right thing. He is expressing inner turmoil and you are "hearing" it and making it better in a caring and loving way. Developmental Trauma and dyslexia? He has big challenges. So do you. You both seem to be managing things fine:)