Public Forums

She’d need to contact Social Services who could then get in touch with the adoptive family to see if they’d like to share information. Just because she refused initially doesn’t mean it can’t be different now.

Thank you donatella, would it be social services in the area she lives now, the area she lived at the time, or the area her little one lives do you think?

Usually letterbox is handled by the LA which placed the child (so the area she used to live in). She could also try the area the child lives in right now, because they are responsible for post-adoption support.

Hi Sherman,

I think your friend could probably do with some counselling. I think it would be useful for her to understand firstly that contact is for the benefit of the child and not for her benefit and it will be very much up to the adoptive parents if they are willing to facilitate it. Also, she needs to understand that contact isn't something that she can "dip in and out of" as it suits her - she will need to make a proper commitment to it. I think counselling will also help her come to terms with why the child was initially removed from her and also what her expectations are going forward - eg is she hoping that once the child is 18 she will get him/her back?

I think it could be the fact that you are going through the adoption process yourself that has stirred up a lot of emotion in her which she needs to explore and come to terms with. I would also offer you a word of caution - you are clearly on your friends side, understandably, and new to the adoption process but once you have a child placed with you, you will understand that the area of contact is a minefield and that children are not removed for no reason - I doubt very much that your friend has told you all the truth about the circumstances surrounding the removal of her child. So whilst be sympathetic to your friend, please also remember that what is best for the child is paramount.

best wishes xx

Hi Windfalls, thanks for your response. She isn't hoping for in person contact at all. She just wants to a little about how his life has gone since he was removed, ie maybe a photo or written info. She isn't seeking in person contact at all.

Also, she and I both know that he wasn't removed for no reason, but we also know that she isn't the same person now in her 30s as she was at 20 and is entitled to want to find out what happened to the little one after she left his life

I am glad that your friend has managed to turn her life around Sherman. But unfortunately, and I really don't mean to sound harsh, but your friend isn't entitled to anything - that is the point I was trying to make. Contact, whether direct or indirect, is a minefield , especially when it comes to photographs. Contact has to be in the best interests of the child and that will be up to the adoptive parents to decide. I just would not want your friends hopes to be raised unrealistically. Again I think counseling would help her enormously.

Best wishes xx

Perhaps it might be helpful if I share my experience with you. My ad's BM didn't want indirect contact because it would be too painful for her - just like your friend. Then approx 10 years later completely out of the blue, I received a telephone call from post adoption/letter box saying that BM had been in touch and wanted to know how AD was - just like your friend. I told them that I wasn't prepared to satisfy BM's curiousity without my Ad getting something in return especially as contact is supposed to be for her benefit and not BM. So I stated that BM needed to write to me first and then I would reply. TWO years later I received the letter from BM and I duly replied. I didn't tell my Ad about the letter as I knew BM would not write again - and so far I have been proved right.

However about two years ago I was forced to disclose to my Ad the fact that I had received a letter from BM. This lead to a lot of hurt, anger and upset for her. She wanted to know why BM had never written again. She felt like she had been rejected all over again - that BM had never loved or cared about her because if she did then she would write. My Ad's pain played out through her behaviour which became even more challenging than normal. It was myself, husband and birth sons who had to deal with this. Then about a year ago my Ad pleaded with me to write to BM and ask her for information about BF - something which BM has always refused to give information about and which is another source of great pain for my Ad. Eventually letter box informed me that BM was no longer at the address they had for her and they had no idea where she was. More upset and pain for my Ad.

So not exactly a win - win situation. Although BM has had her needs/wants/curiousity fully satisfied the same cannot be said for my poor Ad. I wish that I had never agreed to contact because my daughter has got nothing but pain from it. I feel that BM's behaviour has been extremely selfish and is another indication of her putting her own needs before that of her child.

So you see it is not as simple as your friend just wanting a bit of information. It has implications and ramifications for everyone concerned. If your friend goes down this route then she really needs to be prepared to continue with contact, if the adoptive parents agree to it, for the long haul - and even then the adoptive parents/ child may decide to stop it.

Lots for her to consider.

Best wishes xxx