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Thank you for posting - you sound like a fantastic grandparent! xxx

Yes a lovely post - your daughter and son in law (and grandchild) are so lucky! There are a few grandparents on here - I’m one of them - but not many of adopted children - sometimes people post asking advice on how to help their families understand and that’s something you could help with I’m sure - and reading on this site is perfect for building understanding of the issues you mentioned - good luck and enjoy the time exploring the issues and getting to know your grandchild!

It is great that you are taking such an interest! There is a short book called "Therapeutic Parenting in a Nutshell" by Sarah Naish. Maybe that would be a good start? If you want to dig a bit deeper, Dan Hughes' "Building the Bonds of Attachment" might be interesting for you. And if you want a practical guide, then "The Connected Child" by Karyn Purvis is a good read. There are two or three books just for grandparents, but they are for the early days of placement.

Hi Catlady Good to 'meet' you! You are right. There aren't many (or any!) adoptive grandparents on the boards (which have been very quiet generally of late....see recent thread) If you posted a thread about the ways in which you have supported your daughter and son-in-law (or offered to write an article for Adoption Today about your experience as an adoptive grandma) I am sure that would be useful for adopters to give to the grandparents. I think some LAs have information sessions for wider family. It is a steep learning curve for all concerned. Supportive grandparents are worth their weight in gold1 I am newish grandparent (but my grandbaby is the birth child of one of my birth children) and adopter of one child. Our adopted child didn't ever meet the grandparents as 3 of them had already died and the other one (my Dad) who lived a long way away was ill and then died early in placement.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies! I will certainly try to follow up the reading suggestions Chestnuttree. Haven and Larsti, I would be only too happy to try and help other grandparents and wider family of adopted children. The suggestion of doing a thread or an article appeals - I’ll have a think. Xx

I, for one, am very grateful for this forum. Just reading some of the comments is very enlightening and helps me knowing that we are not alone. Our daughter and son-in-law are just 6 weeks into their placement with a nearly-seven year old boy - and our daughter is suffering severe stress which is, of course, a great worry to us. This being his 5th. 'home' in his short life, he is displaying what appears to be 'normal' tantrums, destructive behaviour, and defiance. He has a meltdown almost daily, often about the separation from his previous foster carers, and we wonder if it is ever likely to come to an end. I guess the answer is similar to the length of a piece of string and six weeks is a very short time in the grand scheme of things. Nevertheless, I would be interested to hear how long it took for others to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I fear for our daughter's health, and for the future of the boy, in case there is a complete breakdown.

Hi - I haven’t got much time but just wanted to say how great it is that they have you supporting them... it is incredibly tough, much harder than we thought before we embarked on it. And I hate to say it, but it has taken us a long, long time to feel better about things... the first year was really tough, but it has got better... we are 4 years in. It is still very challenging! Things that helped - linking up with other adopters, who are often the only people who truly understand (social worker can help with this); taking time for self care (vital, I have never done it enough and didn’t do it much at all for the first year, very foolish of me); this forum; reading and training (sally Donovan is great, Sarah naish’s a-z of therapeutic parenting, are two easy access ones); letting the unimportant things go (eg cleaning etc); having low expectations of child (who is living in pure terror I expect), eg letting go of traditional ideas of family meals etc. And it is great that you are looking out for them - depression is a very real issue post adoption. I do think that has been an issue for me. A trip to an understanding GP might be good - I found even the empathy from that was a help, just letting someone professional know how awful life was! Things have got better for us - partly as we have got better at letting things go and taking pleasure in small things, small bits of progress. Keeping our own relationship intact! Wishing you lots of love and luck, keep posting - you can make your own new threads if you want to. Xx

Hello compo I will send a private message to help To access this- it’s the top right menu as you sign into this forum. But thank you for caring so much about your daughter. My parents despite their misgivings really did and continue to support us with our children. Without them we would never have managed. Our son was 7 shortly after he moved with us. His sister was 4 turning 5. We also have a birth child. If you view his extreme distress as absolutely his way of explaining what a mess he’s in- that his behaviour is his language for the unspeakable- that might help. He might be 7 but right now he’s a terrified toddler. In the meantime I would STRONGLY suggest that your daughter sees a GP for some help for her. The adoption team may or may not be involved but I would seek the specialist input sooner rather than later. (Consider family futures or PAC in London, Catchpoint in Bristol, chrysalis associates in Sheffield, barnardos in Edinburgh, stepping stones in Cardiff.) this little lad has been traumatised and is going to need the big guns in terms of help. You are not alone.

Hi compo. It is so hard in the early weeks and months of placement. My daughter and son in law were exhausted, very stressed and sleep deprived for months and I was so worried about them. Their situation was a bit different to your family, in that their daughter was just 1 year old when placed, but she was still a terrified, very anxious little one. As previous posters have said, getting the right kind of support is important. As a grandparent, you may feel helpless but it's an invaluable support, you just being there and listening. I did lots of practical things in the early weeks such as batches of food for their freezer, getting bits of shopping, various errands to help take the pressure off. I also tried to remind my daughter to contact people who could give professional advice and support- sometimes she got so exhausted she couldn't think straight and kept forgetting. Support your daughter and son in law with reminders about self care if you can. For us, it was simple things like makng opportunities to walk to the park so LO could play and let off steam and we could have tea and cake and I'd drop in reminders such as 'have you spoken to 'xyz' yet?' I found I had to put to one side any ideas about 'regular' parenting. My adopted grandchild's needs were so different to my birth grandchildren and I had to learn all over again! It's wonderful that you are there for your family and trying to support them as best you can. It really is early days yet. I do hope everything settles down and goes well for you all. Xx

Meant to also say, it took probably about a year for everything to really settle and to feel that all was 'on the right road' or so to speak. Now 2.5 yesrs on, my grandchild still has issues with anxiety but we have all, parents, grandparents and wider family, developed strategies to help manage things. It's been a case of step by step, finding out what works and what doesn't. My daughter and son in law now have a network of friends who are also adoptive parents and they have been a wonderful support too. The local authority has schemes where adoptive parents can meet up. Thats worth investigating.

Can I echo the comments of others - we are 14 years into our adoption journey now and it is often very challenging. However my parents, both now 80-ish, have been head and shoulders above everyone we know or knew, in terms of offering support. Alongside my rather lovely sister-in-law, they are the ONLY family or friends who have stuck closely with us throughout, and continue to help us care for our traumatised girls. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Please read all you can about adoption, attachment and trauma, and continue to offer practical support and a listening ear wherever you can. Your support, especially in understanding not judgement, can make a massive difference to the success or failure of this placement.