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Hi, Mudlark - It's tricky. We were introduced as mummy and daddy. One of ours was desperate for a mummy and tried to fit the word "mummy" into every sentence as many times as she possibly could. Another called us by our names and took a number of months before he caould call us mummy and daddy. The third had called his foster carer mummy,. He called Kermit mummy but it did cause some confusion, especially when, for the first few nights, he was crying desperately for mummy. So, I think that my feeling is to go with the flow: let them call you whatever they are comfortable with. Love, Corkwing

Hi there To be honest with you, I think it's a red herring. If these children have problems with mothers, they are going to have problems regardless of what they call you - if they are resilient and able to progress relatively well, then they are going to do that. What they call you will be a fraction of the mix, I suspect. I am not keen on the idea of using names as that could be seen as a way of not claiming the child. I do know someone whose adopted children has always used her and her husband's first names and not mum and dad and frankly it sounds odd - they started off like this but six years later, the children are still doing it because that's what they are used to. People comment on it - it makes it seem like they are not their parents and personally, I think that you might as well start as you mean to go on and use 'mum' or maybe change it to 'mamma' or something if you are worried about connotations. But claiming is going to be really important here, as is reassuring them about being able to stay with you - using your first names will, I think, make you seem like yet another professional in their lives. My elder daughter has an obsession with her birth mother - she is now 15 and nothing we have done has changed that. But it is separate to how she feels about me and she is very happy to call me 'mum/mummy' and I think it would be harder for us to have a bond if she didn't. The problems these kids can have can run really, really deep (or not - my other daughter isn't remotely bothered) and if you have a child who is really bothered, well that's hard, but for me not being 'mummy' isn't going to be a major factor. Good luck with your placement.

I think the fact that you're so open to letting your LOs call you by your name is great. I agree with Corkwing that the best thing is to go with what they choose to call you. Preparing yourself in advance to be called by your first names for a bit will hopefully stop it feeling like a rejection if it happens. Ours were five and three at placement and alternated between mummy and my first name. These days I'm normally mummy, but they still use my first name sometimes. Thinking about how to make your LO feel comfortable and being ready to adapt to their needs is so important. Good luck and many congratulations!

Simba was 7 at intros, I was introduced to him as Mummy Serrakunda, and that was used in my family book. He dropped the Serrakunda bit himself after about 2 days, though he does still use it occasionally. He also refers to BM as mummyX or sometimes his first mummy. I'm often 'best mummy'. Sometimes I do have to check with him which mummy he means. Dont get hung up on it yourself. If you use the MummyMudlark option you are at least giving them a bit of a choice. If LO is desparate for a mummy I would build on that. Good luck, great that you are getting some training before they come home

I was introduced as mummy, my LO (age 6) described me to other people as "new mummy" and just refused to call me anything to start with! Gradually over the first few weeks, she started referring to me as just "mummy" to other people and her BM became "old mummy". It was about four weeks in before out of the blue she shouted mummy to me down the stairs - since then mummy has just been totally natural. I think it helped that I was relaxed about it and responded to whatever she called me. Social workers did, however, recommend that other people always referred to me as mummy - as an older adoptee, they said it was important for her to realize that everyone else accepted me as her mum.

We're just starting out trying to register to adopt but have two birth children as well- they usually call us mum/mummy and dad/daddy, but especially if there are friends about (adults or children) will refer to us by first names. I've been childminding since they were tiny, and of course minded kids used my first name: My take has always been that as long as we all knew who was being talked to, that was fine! My having a very common name isn't helpful there, for anyone.

I was 'Mummy x' when introduced to DS before and during introductions which I happy with as actually it was entirely correct. DS had had a 'mummy' before he could remember, so it differentiated us but still had me identified in that role. (I agree with other posters that Whatever you are called, it makes no difference to the children's 'difficulties' with people taking on that role again). It had the advantage that he could drop my name when he was comfortable with plain mum which happened within days in fact. Equally though, had he Not been happy about using mum, we could have dropped that until such a time as he was ready. Good luck for the weeks ahead! BB

Youngest son 7 and 3/4 at intros was introduced to me by first name. FC was quite apologetic when she realised that she hadn't emphasised the new mum bit in the run up to intros, but they were very surprised that he had found one due to his age and circumstances. He called me by first name up until week before Celebration Hearing (14 months) then it became 'mummy' even though the norm around here is mammy. Now at 9 even with the hard lads in hearing at youth club he still calls me mummy. I really think being relaxed about it was the key. Everyone else referred to me as 'your mum'.

Our LO is 5 and has been home almost 2 years. She's called me mummy from day one. It was only recently that I realised that she had no idea what is meant by "mummy". We went on holiday during the summer holidays with my niece and nephew and LO couldn't understand why they didn't call me "mummy". She's still asking questions now about why they used my first name. So "mummy" is my name and doesn't mean anything more.........sad face. MMx

Thank you all, very helpful. Mudlark

Ours were 8, 6 and 4 when they were placed and we'd previously been their respite FCs. Initially they called us by our names and gradually we became Mummy and Daddy- DD2 started first, then DS and finally after about 18 months DD1 chose to.

Wow.. that's an inspiration. I am worrying about only two.