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Sorry never posted to messageboard anywhere ever before so not sure what to do and I hit the go button before I had the added my subject! So here it is:-We adopted a sibling group 18 years ago, All went fairly well until our oldest boy got to 14 then he changed into a very different person, he had hardly anything to do with us and whenever we entered the room he left it. He would also lie about what he was doing and where he was going and would stay out and go out whenever he felt like it. I asked him why he didn't return from school on time and he would say " because he didn't want to"!He would steal from us and blame someone else, the usual thing that most people have experienced with teenage adopted children. This child (A) left school with 12 very good GCSEs, he is a very bright young man. He worked away from home for about nine months but it was totally unsuccessful as he is incapable of looking after himself. Therefore he is now back at home with us, we have done everything we can to try and help him, ringing doctors, getting counsellors etc etc...He is now 24 years old and both my husband and I are completely fed up, miserable, cross with each other and just want to enjoy our own lives for a change, before we hit old age, which is creeping very fast! He just sits in his room all day everyday doing tiddly squat! My husband has just retired but I work part time. I have just found needles and other items for drugs in his room? What to do now? We are exhausted! The truth of the matter is really don't want to do any more we've done everything we can we've tried and tried and tried all to no avail. Shall we just threw him out?, in which case he is yet another Street person and that is not really what we went into adoption for! Any suggestions please?

FRANK are very good at advice around drugs, they have a good websiteThere's also something called the campaign against living miserably for families of young men who have self harm / suicidal issuesWe've found young minds very good resource tooWe have an 18 yr old and a 16 yr old. Our 16 yr old lives in a special unit,Is it worth having a conversation with adult service re your son getting together a supported living sort of package?How is the other child/ young adult doing now? Do they need much help/ support?If you do have that conversation with adult servicesRequest information on direct PaymentsThat way, his care needs are dealt with by a team of people who come, work then go. Then you have got a demarcation over roles in your home or even if he manages a level of supported living.I wonder if you've considered somewhere like Enham in Hampshire?Or larche communities?All the very best to you

I would advocate a tough love approach at this point, to be honest with you. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty and besides, it is not good for your son to continue like this. You may (entirely unintentionally, I know) be facilitating his workless, drug abusing lifestyle by allowing it to continue.I would confront him and have a good talk about things. If he refuses to engage, let him know that you will be calling the police. (You will be regarded as committing an offence yourselves if you knowingly allow your home to be used for the consumption of illegal drugs.) Work out a plan for him to move out into independent accommodation, with as much support as you can advocate for him. (As well as the agencies Pear Tree suggests I would add Shelter. Also, a call to the AUK helpline might give you further ideas.) He is terrified, no doubt, and feeling inadequate. First steps towards further education, training or employment though will help him enormously to feel better about himself. This should be mandatory for him, as well as help to address his substance abuse issues.My own son, also in his mid twenties, left home at 19 in dire circumstances. While he is not out of the woods yet (mental health problems, etc.) he is making real progress. We have been able to retain a close bond and continue to support him in many ways, while our other children (and ourselves) have been able to enjoy a much better quality of life.If you feel independence is impossible for him and wish to continue to support him at home, you might want to look up some of the writings of Brian Post, an adoption expert from the US who has a young adult adopted son who still lives with him, I gather. He advocates a measure of acceptance, e.g. that this young man cannot cope with employment just yet (and maybe never will). I would advocate that sort of stance as an absolute last resort though, as it could so easily "hospitalise" a young person who might be able to make progress with the right kind of support out of the home environment. Age 24 is by no means premature for a step towards independence, after all!Also, you have your own lives to consider which is important too. I wish you the very best with this.

Hi, Goingmad -Welcome to the message boards. Sounds like things are really hard for you at the moment. I understand what you mean about "htat's not what we went into adoption for". You sound like a lovely, caring person. It's so sad when our kids aren't able to accept the love that we give them.I don't have any advice: my kids haven't reached that age yet, but there are lots of people on here who have experienced similar issues and will be able to give you good advice (as you've already had).All the best,Corkwing

Many thanks everybody for your replies and suggestions.Just to follow-on and a bit of history. We adopted our sibling group 18 years ago. A boy who was 6 1/2, now aged 24 (child A), a girl aged 4 1/2 now aged 22 (childB) and a boy1 1/2 now aged 19 (child C). All were diagnosed with ADHD. We noticed that almost immediately child C was extremely hyper and had to wait until he was 7 to have him diagnosed aged 7. He was like a whirling dervish as a toddler and I never took the reins off him until he was aged four! Our daughter was always a social misfit and we waited for five years to get an appointment with CAMHS! They were hopeless and just doled out tablets. She is barely coping with life, she drifts in and out of our home but this week is not causing a major problem! She was utterly foul as a teenager, really horrible. She was heading for total failure at the state school in her GCSEs. So with her agreement we placed her in a private school for two years at huge cost. She came out with four GCSEs and I think the school gave a huge sigh of relief when she left. I can only say that at least she was kept off the street for one more year! She is unable to sustain a job for more than two weeks at work, It is always somebody else's fault/reason as to why she had been fired. And unfortunately has no understanding as to why she has lost yet another job! She operates on a completely different plain to the rest of the world and very occasionally they meet together. She has been to a similar place that our oldest son now is, but stays well away from him as he can be aggressive towards her. She avoids him really.The youngest boy left school at 16 again with a good GCSE results, did nothing two years, became a drunk and almost alcoholic, and dabbled with lots of drugs. The turning point for him was when his oldest brother and friend assaulted him and another young man at a party. He had to go to A&E. It suddenly dawned on him that he was turning into his brother and sister unless he changed that was his future. Now fortunately he has got himself an apprentice chef job and really enjoys it. It is the one tiny pin prick light at the end of my very long tunnel.My husband and I have a chat with our oldest son this afternoon when he emerged from his room. I believe he did engage with us and we do believe (unless we have been sapped yet again) he is no longer injecting. We have decided on a plan to help him raise money to clear his thousand pound debt by selling off his motorbike, and take it from there. One tiny step at a time. I do agree with Fruitcake that tough love is the correct approach, we have thrown out all three children on various occasions for being rude, abusive, stoned or drunk etc etc...The trouble is I no longer have the energy to try and make more appointments that they will not go to, arrange visits that they will not turn up to, arrange to meet them and to be left standing about yet again like a complete wally! I think at the end of the day it is up to them to sort out there own lives. As Fruitcake says we have gone above and beyond the call of duty and more. So we are downing tools and trying to get on with our own lives. As long as there lives don't interfere with what we won't to do, they can have a place to stay, (we give them no money) until they are able to cope on there own. It's really good to be able to voice my opinion to folk who don't tut tut at you, try and tell you haven't done it right, give you completely inappropriate advice, or stare at you in amazement!So thank you all again.