Public Forums

Don't drive yourself crazy. You have only just began and it is the most difficult phase in an adoption process. Some adopters feel chemistry and it's important to them, others try to be more rational about it and are just as happy. Some don't even see a picture of their child before matching panel.

Read the CPR and make sure you are comfortable with it. If you have questions, ask them. Make sure you stick to what you originally said you could handle and if not, be very clear about why you are changing your mind. Try not to feel guilty. You will adopt a child and although it feels horrible to say no to other children, hopefully those children will be adopted by well suited adopters. It is better for everyone, if it is a good match. Try to imagine what your life would be with specific children and how you would feel about that. Can you relate to their experiences? Do you share something in your backgrounds/interests/personalities? Those things can be very helpful later on.

I think people have very different ways of approaching family finding. I had a very strong pull towards my son, but to be honest it was then very difficult to step back and look objectively at whether or not I could meet his needs. Because thats the key thing - can you meet the child's needs as far as they are known.

If they are older, as Chestnuttree says it can be helpful to see if you have shared interests.

What is minor to some people may be very important to others. There was a poster here once who was agonising over the colour of a potential child's hair. As a white mum to a black child who looks nothing like me I really couldn't get my head around that. But to them it was really important that they shared physical charteristics with their future child, so not minor in their view at all.

I think it can also be quite scary to take the plunge and say - I think this could be my child. You have only been approved a few weeks. Whilst you will have thought about this moment for a long time, when you see real children its a bit of a shock. Now you have to work out what's really important to you and that's not always easy.

I'd say relax a bit, remember asking to have more information about a child is not a commitment. Maybe take the plunge with one of those children - perhaps when you find out more, thay minor thing will become really insignificant.

Good luck - this is the hardest part I think

I think with us it was just that our daughter appeared a good match initially then each thing we learned about her we considered and didn’t change our minds - her photo wasn’t particularly attractive but there were a couple of things about her that felt meaningful - her name was an anagram of our surname and her birth mum was born in the same city as me but grew up in the neighbouring country to where my husband came from and he has relatives there - none of it important really! I remember when we first rang the LA to enquire about adoption before we were assessed they told us about a 7 year old who would have been a good match and I felt really guilty saying we were looking for a younger child and then hurt that they didn’t try to persuade us - but it was the right thing. Just look at each child individually and then take one step at a time - some people feel an emotional pull and others don’t

Thank you all for your responses, it really does help just to have that other perspective.

Hi. I remember reading posts about people finding their 'perfect match' and was rather sceptical... I was very open in terms of who I could be a good parent to, although I admit that there were some children with whom I didn't feel a connection from the pictures and brief information. I didn't pursue these as I believe that having that connection will help you through the difficult times.

I got close to a match that I thought was perfect - the child looked identical to me at that age - although in hindsight there were some niggling questions that I had. I just assumed these were nerves. In the end I wasn't chosen for this child and shortly after I was taken off the reserve list for my daughter. All I can say is that upon exploring this match I became one of those people that I had been sceptical of! I realised that the only doubts I had were because I was sceptical that a match could be this perfect... I was looking for some catch or hidden information.

This doesn't mean that we haven't had/don't have our challenges - we do. Just that the challenges that we have, I am prepared for and feel skilled to take on. My child is so like me in terms of her thought process and even her survival reactions (albeit mine are not as easily triggered as I have experienced limited trauma in my life), I'm not sure that a birth child would be this similar to me. We were definitely matched well.

I remember it felt like a roller coaster of emotions following my approval to adopt. I would recommend that you use this time to explore which children are right for you - even if you express interest and want to know more about a child/children, you don't have to progress with a link if you do not feel that this is right for you. Just as the Social Worker may not follow up on your expression of interest.

Best of luck in finding our new addition(s).

Hi Dojo

Adoption isn’t just a leap into the dark it’s a great big tombstone into shark-infested waters littered with rocky outcrops! And the truth is that there are no right answers. Even the so-called experts are basically people learning as they go along. In the end, you realise that you are the expert/s in you and your family.

As adopters, we all want to dodge the bullet;if I pick this tiny baby will I avoid attachment issues later on or if I choose an older child will I find out early enough if my child has been badly affected by their their exposure to drugs, alcohol, domestic violence or other issues connected to a chaotic life?

None of us has a crystal ball and none of us can really predict how our children will turn out, in spite of their terrible starts in life. It is a massive leap of faith to commit to a child who does not share your DNA. What I would say is, be guided by your social worker, assuming you have built up a strong working relationship and you trust that they know you as well as you know yourself (given that you’ve probably shared more personal information with them than you have your best friends).

Read the information you have in front of you now and try to assess whether you can meet that child’s needs now - and try not to project too far into the future.

And try not to catastrophise; this is a totally unnatural process but it’s baby steps towards you meeting the child who will become yours. Work out where you are on the slide rule of head vs heart and make your decision accordingly. There are no right or wrong answers. Only a future with children.

Good luck!

Thank you, another two weeks in and I do feel a lot more settled, by that I mean less overwhelmed, just needed to catch a breath I think. I don't think there is a comparable situation to this one where you're all of a sudden presented with all these profiles, being new on the system I think garners attention from SWs, which is understandable but in some ways I think is possibly not the best way to do it, perhaps being drip fed profiles over a few weeks when first approved before gaining access to linkmaker would be better. But it may just be me! Finding that balance with heart and head is odd but getting there and I'm confident we'll find our little person.