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Hello, I think you have to understand where the children who are up for adoption come from and the consequences this has for them. Yes there are many successful adoptions, at the moment I would count myself in that group, BUT my son has learning diffculties and autism and we face many challenges on a daily basis. He is also older, 7 when he came to me, and so has lots of memories about his birth family and experiences waves of sadness about his whole situation, we are going through this at the moment and it is hard to see a child so sad and forlorn. Some people do have very difficult experiences with their children. You just dont know how things will work out. You have to go into this accepting the uncertainty, Dont fall into the trap thinking the younger the child is at adoption, the less trauma they will have experienced. Often problems wont start to manifest themselves until school 6, 7 ish or in their teen. With older children issues may already have come to light and you will have more idea of what you are taking in. I am single but I would be very wary of going into this if you arent both 100% committed. If he has doubts it will come out in home study and will probably impact on your approval. And to put it bluntly, you dont want him to bail out on you after adoption if the going gets tough. I think you probably need to do some thinking as a couple, it just wont work if he isnt committed. Good luck

Ditto what serrakunda has said. Just to add the prep course will challenge yours and your oh's thinking in so many ways (it's designed to do that) that you may both shift your position considerably so go on it and keep discussing things at each stage. Also, if he is cynical that won't wash too well but pragmatism is good.

We are just starting our home study, but we as a couple took 2 years to come to the decision that this was right for us and that we were both committed to this. It's important that you both are doing it for the right reasons. Good luck and your journey x

We first looked into adoption 2 years ago but my OH was not ready to go ahead at the time so we spent a lot of time researching and discussing both adoption and other ways we could start a family until we were both 100% committed to adoption. That doesn't mean we dont feel nervous at times but we know that adoption is the right path for us and are going ahead with eyes wide open. There were a couple of couples on our prep group where it was clear one partner was not as commited as the other e.g because they could not answer questions / contribute to the discussions (one even asked how long his wife would 'have' to be off work and couldnt see why she would need more than a couple of weeks as she hadnt given birth!!!). Best wishes for going forward. :-) x

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your comments and I agree with you. OH is very loving and would be a brilliant dad he just always looks at what could go wrong. I was really worried about the home visit but he was great. I did notice that when your with your SW it's hard to be anything but yourself. We lost our only child just over a year ago and I was worried about how I came across in terms of where I was in the grief journey and had thought about what I should say. In the end, you forget all that and just tell it as it is. He was the same. I just think he takes a lot longer to come round than me. We've only really been talking about this since July so hearing all your timescales maybe I've moved things too quickly. I think now it's a good thing we've delayed the training. Gives us more time to talk and read. I've already built up quite a stack of books. So glad I've found this forum, it's great we're all at different stages. Thanks everyone xx

Very sorry to hear about your baby. I think you are probably right in thinking it may be a bit too soon for him. To be honest I'm a bit surprised that the SWs are letting you go forward so soon. Good luck

No one but your husband (and you) knows what is too soon or not too soon... Looking ahead might also help addressing issues of the past.

So sorry to hear of your loss, only yous as a couple can make these decisions together just keep talking that's what will get you through (and of course support on here!) :)

Hello there, You've taken your first steps on this incredible journey so congratulations. I remember how relaxed our social worker made us feel and it seemed natural to say that we felt unsure or nervous at certain point in the process. We have our date for panel and only have one more home visit left. If you have any questions about it all, please just ask away. it's ok for your other half to say aaahhhh i'm a bit scared!! I did and it felt better :)

Hi littleowl, You may find some useful advice here: Husband struggling http://www.adoptionuk.org/forum-archive-adoption-process Best Wishes Online Community Team

I'd just like to encourage you that it is ok to take things slowly and at a speed that feels right for you both. I met up with an adopter recently who had lost her mum and adopted shortly after. She said she hadn't anticipated how many feelings of loss it would throw up and SWs hadn't cautioned her about slowing up. Consequently she was struggling. It would be much better to take time to grieve properly now than wish you had done so later so be really gentle on yourselves and don't under estimate how hugely loss will have affected you both and the child you adopt too. If adoption is right for you, then it will happen. Don't rush things - it really is an emotional journey, so build up your emotional readiness for it. All the best for your journey. xxxx

I was the cynical one when we started our journey...thinking I wouldn't be good enough! The prep group was fantastic and made me realise there is no such thing as a perfect parent. The prep group made me more determined if anything. Some couples didn't complete the course, but you will know if it is for you after a day or so on the prep course.

Hi littleowl So sorry to hear about your loss, I have followed serakunda for some time throughout our process and i actually think she provides some sound advice and yes you need to make sure you have grieved fully as sw's will pick and see it as a concern if they think for a second you haven't fully grieved! That said my grandad died as we started the process and losing him was a great loss for me however our sw didn't see the need to stop or slow down but then that's a whole diff ball game to loosing your precious baby Xx

Sorry I hadn't finished A lot of men are often a page or two behind their partners!!! Mine was and yes it's important that by home study you are on the same page but before that roll with it let him find his feet maybe read a few posts on here to him for my DH it was prep that sealed the deal!

My DH was definitely NOT on same page as me when we started looking into adoption this time round.....not sure if you can find it, but I posted extensively over about a year about how we dealt with this in our relationship....and tbh it was the support from others on here that got us BOTH to where we are now.....about to be placed with a beautiful sibling group! One of the things I remember someone telling me, is how we operate at diffrent levels - DH found it hard to think past what was in front of him, and there were simply too many unknowns for him to 'know' for certain if he wanted to adopt; whereas I researched for about 2 years by reading, joining forums, speaking with other adopters and had a fair idea of what it would be like.....I got DH 'round' to applying and going on prep course using that as a tool if you like, to help him decide - which is exactly what prep is for really....I also used some cunning tactics, like reading some beautiful and positive posts from other men on here like Mr VLM springs to mind.... if you could search the archives, theres lots of really useful experiences of lots of us who were in same predicament.... my DH just needed someone else to help him get his head around it all, other than just me ;) !! If your DH wants, happy to message me and I can put him in touch with my DH - might help him hearing a mans perspective?? He is also active on another forum (trust me ...never saw THAT coming ;) !!)...pm me if you like for more info. Best of luck :) xx

My DH was also not on the same page, so we took the adoption process at his pace (very frustrating for me!) but only when he was ready to move to next stage did we move on. . We never actively looked at CWW or BMP, because neither of us could cope with saying no to any child and so we left all our searching to SW and also had one potential match from a family friend who was FC, but that fell through due to the child being adopted by other family members. . We were lucky in being quite young when we started (late 20's) so could take our time and this paid off in the end as despite us nearly splitting up, our son driving us to distraction at times and all the issues we've had with schools, nhs and ss, we're both still hanging on. . So use the time to investigate adoption, your support network, your local nhs child mental health services etc. and let your DH take it at his own pace. . All the best

Thanks everyone for responding. Im learning to be so patient which is a new thing! We ve had some progress. We ve taken on a little apprentice at work. He's had a tough start in life & appears to come from quite a chaotic family. Dh is really nurturing him & it is making him feel a lot more positive. Roll on prep in January. Dont know whether to just lay off & not put any pressure on him or keep talking. I sort of run out of things to say & angles to approach from. Any suggestions on how to keep talking without nagging? Xx

why not do 'normal' things with an adoption/child angle Eg: Christmas cards from AUK

Hello, my husband was dead against adoption as a concept to start off with. The initial info evening scared the socks off him. He totally proceeded into the process for me. He had a migraine through half of the prep course and had to lie in a cupboard! The turning point came when we started to do the assessment and it became real. Talking about being parents to a child became a reality and he actually got excited. He freaked out a bit at the matching stage (we both found it overwhelming to be honest) but once we were matched he was amazing. During the assessment he was very open with our SW about his feelings. I think we all come to the process with preconceived ideas and fears and those were settled for him through the process, rather than him deciding he was 'ready' before he was ready if you know what I mean? A wise man doesn't begin until he counts the cost. (Edited: And now he is an AMAZING dad.)