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Support / info / guidance for F2A with not-newborn baby

jampot_jaffa September 25, 2020 22:57

Hi all,

I'm being put forward to F2A with a 5 month old, and have been advised by my SW that I should be ready for very little info and a baby who has no experience of being in a routine of any sort...perhaps arriving in a week's time. Fair enough - they're coming from their 1st family and their care is currently lacking.

I've read very widely to prepare myself for adoption and everything tells me I should change as little as possible in the first weeks/months. But I know only very little about their current experience. And having always expected a very tiny baby through F2A, I'm not sure how to approach this with an older one who has more experience of the world, but coming straight from first family there is no foster carer as an intermediary to tell me about the likes/dislikes and routine (and who no doubt received specialised training on how to get fostered children into a routine etc)... And in fact they may come with little more than the clothes they are wearing and the name of their baby milk formula, so advice like 'use the same laundry detergent' and 'keep familiar smelling items close to them for the first few months' are likely to be little use...

Can anyone suggest good sources of information, guidance, support (books, websites, blogs, FB groups, online courses for foster carers etc) that I can turn to for ideas on how to settle a not-newborn baby into a placement immediately after leaving their first family?

Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

Edited 17/02/2021
Furcifer September 26, 2020 00:47

Hi Jampot, wow, that sounds really exciting and really scary in equal measures! Honestly, a five-month-old baby is still very little and unlikely to be in any kind of routine, especially if they’ve had a chaotic and difficult start to life. The health visitor for my second DD, who came to me at 12 hours old, assured me that there was very little difference between the nutritional benefits of formula milks, it was all about who spent the most on marketing and advertising.

I would buy a job lot of 6-12 months babygros and all the usual nappy-changing paraphernalia. Depending on where you live, you may have a 24-hour supermarket near you so once you get the word that your baby is soon to be on its way to you, you can whizz out and shop from the baby aisle. You will find out that there are things that don’t work for you as a family ( ie dummies - DD1 always had a supply of one in each hand and 27 others littered around her cot in the (vain) hope she would sleep through but she was guaranteed to wake up in the wee small hours once all 29 dummies had fallen through the bars of her cot; DD2 refused a dummy point blank even when I was desperate to shush her nighttime screaming.)

I wouldn’t get too hung up on baby books and developmental stages (sometimes they’re a depressing reminder of where your child SHOULD be rather than where they’re actually are) but if you’re a total novice, then a Penelope Leach-style manual may be a useful tool to help you get through your first days.

Edited 17/02/2021
Safia September 26, 2020 14:19

That’s sounds really exciting - and at the same time so scary! I would just treat her/ him like a new baby - they will be new to you and probably scared - however bad their care in the birth family they will be losing everything that is familiar. I wouldn’t get hung up on washing powders or routines - if the baby is in any kind or routine you will soon find out - what is really important is responding to their distress and meeting their needs and being that loving comforting adult who they can learn to rely on - that is what they need and that is what they’ve missed. Assume their crying is a sign of distress and respond to it with calm and soothing. As Furcifer says get a couple of packs of babygros and then gradually add outfits of your choice when you come to know your baby and are able to start to go out with them - there’s not much you can do to start with other than go for walks or go shopping anyway. My son came from foster care and he hardly had anything that fitted - his shoes were 2 sizes too small - so it often happens that way. As for routine - it’s not always practical to keep to the same routine anyway - but just be aware of the baby seems to need certain things at certain times and be flexible - it won’t be long before you establish a routine that suits you both

Also - make contact with your health visitor and they should be able to advise on anything to do with feeding etc - but remember your baby will have suffered loss and probably trauma so be cautious with any advice around dealing with crying etc

Edited 17/02/2021

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