Archived Forums

I did write it up, will see if I can find it :-)

March 2013 Overall the points were: Adolescence is doing childhood a different way- revisiting all the rules like saying please and thank you, self care etc. Traumatised children have the roadmap unconsciously there and we need to offer alternatives. Hello and goodbye matter-continue with paying for their mobile phone Revisiting all the stages of constancy and permanence holds young people in good stead, challenging magical thinking Offer more opportunities for reconnection in a nurturing way even when they've lied to your face, food is important Make a family story book together. Talked about covert and over processing of loss and unresolved grief (afraid I'm not sure I understood enough of this, hoping the others present will pick up on this and fill this gap for me!) Help your young person cross over from MAD to SAD she called this smad. Connection with birth family in a supported way. So she began with talking positively about adolescence as a chance to beat your wings trying to imagine leaving home. For our young people, the knowledge that they will, in a few years be leaving home is terrifying and they need masses of assurances about remaining connected within your family, even though they live away. We did an exercise and completed a timeline for our children in mind. Age and situation of move, what kind of move it was, was it a change what losses/traumas were attached? Who left? What changed? Any connections with persons, places, things maintained? How? How long for? Who maintained this? Kids who come in an emergency, leave in a hurry.... Subconsciously their roadmap to leaving home is ALREADY THERE, even if they were babies when they came. Actually talked a bit about people who know very little about children who know little if anything about bf. their roadmap might be based on these perceptions: they had sex, they were irresponsible. My adoptive parents didn't have a baby therefore aren't sexual, I relate more to my bf....they were not born to live as a drug addict, they were born to be X. These are the ways I am the same as my bf, these are the ways I am different, these ways I am like my aps. I will parent differently to my bf like this, I will parent differently to my aps like this. Scripting themselves on one aspect isn't going to be as helpful as considering these points over a wide set of personal bits and pieces. She suggested people read the book "roots" as the elements of loss come up a lot and its by Alex Hayley Basically separation will return the adoptee to an image of the past. If they suffered loss and trauma between 0-3 years their sense of permanence will be compromised and they will struggle to know you exist beyond sensory contact. Constancy will be all over the place in teen hood anyway but mega in our kids- they need to know you still love them even when you are cross with them. These two elements of permanence and Constancy are core aspects of the ego. If they are wobbly they will have a very insecure sense of self. We reflected on how we felt after doing our roadmap. For mr pt he was struck with how much partridge and blossom lost, before we were even on the scene and its a wonder they are as together as they are tbh... Though I'd heard of the permanence and constancy things but I hadn't realised that it was what made up ego That explains why blossom hasn't really got one! She encouraged us that she redid this with a very damaged 17 yr old and so that gave us hope with partridge Think of ways people in your family leave. We all left home in stages tbh. So start thinking of ways to help your young person meet people who left home and talk about how they did it. Start making hello and goodbye important. Always say it. And if they won't, text them! Whatever but they need to get through this point. Expect them to push you away. Accept a 'grunt' but explain you're aiming for better because a grunt doesn't "hold" you very well. Try and start working on their sense of self by looking towards the now and further ahead plans rather than looking back to messy bf. help them to accept their losses by using sentences like: "I wonder if your loss of X is sad?" "Maybe you're wondering what would have been if you'd stayed living in X city" Consider cultural points in these discussions. Maybe you would have been different if you'd been living with all women like in your bf? Lots of angry reactions are to be expected but then try and move towards sad and crying it out. Confront magical thinking and wrong ideas. I thought doing a PowerPoint or story of their life about why they weren't cared for might be a way in? Tbh for our lad a walk and a talk is better than getting him to sit down.... You are trying to move to understand this point that you wish all this loss hadn't happened but we can accept its happened and move on together. Holly said mention that bf cared deeply in their hearts for you and avoid the word love as its a mess for these kids. Try using a lot of might, maybe and must and challenge gently but intensely and get these things in place: What has happened in life thus far doesn't have to be a pattern that holds Don't visit bf in adolescence and wait until you've fledged from home for a couple of years. Warn them and protect them from predation on fb and other social media. And if bf do tip up explain this as part of their dysfunction at not being able to put the needs of the child above their own... Whether you like it or not, we are the family that sticks with you Make a family book of how we all came to live in the family we do. Everyone gets a chapter. Silly things, family traditions, something naughty you did and now have learned not to do, how you've been held in the family, how you wanted a family, you met each other, the chapter on the child should start with now, the dog, your marriage/ ceremony of commitment etc. Consistently offer: SAFETY, COMFORT, WARMTH, VALUE and JOY When they are running off the are 3/4 yrs old emotionally maximum and have no concept of danger. When they leave, trying to ensure that they aren't running is pretty important therefore. Secure a sense of nurture first THEN ask questions later (24 hr gap? Suggested) She linked a lot of what she was saying to developmental trauma models which I've found massively helpful in the past and so the game of lift the flap books and pop up cone dolls in my house have come out again as partridge continues to revisit permanence and Constancy. Holly revisited the angry child management strategies that helped us so much with blossom. But explained that for teens practicing getting that adrenaline up and down again is important all over again. Hope some of this is a help and sorry if I've told you all what you already know. I'm going to be filling in partridges loss history sheet and working out what his internal roadmap looks like this evening, with mr pt. Then ordering a family book... T

Thanks for posting that PT - really useful stuff (although I did copy and apste into word to read as its just too hard to read and scroll on here!)

Thanks PearTree- really interesting but soooo difficult to read in this format. Adoption UK are you going to change this format - it is a nightmare and just so wrong?

What a challenge in this blue bubble I shall put it on the easy to read forum If you don't know where that is- click on my NAme here and message me

Thank you so much Pear Tree....and Shadow for asking the question. My 17yrold has repeatedly run away this summer and Ä° am at a loss what to do next. School is about to start over here but Ä°m too frightened to send her and considering home schooling her in her final year...but Ä° dont know if thats a good idea. Will that help her with permanency and constancy or will it stifle her and make her want to run more....would these books help....and can you tell me what the Family book is you mention PT Jofran

Family book Jofran, I'm going to make one It's a scrapbook idea I have but you could do a photo book professionally made or a notebook The idea is everyone has a chapter The family and their ideas interests and experiences and a bit of histories but mostly about how you stay CONNECTED So Eg. My sister lives in her flat She's been all over the world We text every few days and see each other about every month. We enjoy family things and she and granny go to see the ballet at Christmas each year It's full of how she's living apart but connects in