Edited 17/02/2021
Partridge does a funeral
Pear Tree
February 9, 2019 01:18
Those of you who donât know partridge is now 24. He is doing ok in some ways. He has a job. He had massive relationship issues. Anyway. Today was my much loved, feisty grandmaâs funeral. She leaves a big hole. Partridge wasnât at all sure he would go. I did explain that itâs not a thing of entertainment, but to pay your respects and give thanks for a long life well lived. He wasnât at all sure. To add to matters I have been in hospital myself this week I did explain that heâd need to try and look smart if he came and at least wear clean things. I was so pleased to see him when he arrived. He had made an effort. Clean jeans and clean jumper Notso clean hygiene wise and of course there was a bit of bravado. I have never cried so much at a funeral as I did at this one. I did read a piece about the incredible woman she was and her personal encouragement, even handed love to our adopted and birth child. At that point partridge went &hid away from the family at the back for a time. He never could cry in front of me! I did hold his hand on the way out of the church. He has felt the loss strongly He did do a bit of expected bravado about the fantasy life heâs invented for himself. But all in all. He did well. I was very pleased to see him with us. We do have some truly odd people who behave strangely in society donât we? My uncle has adhd and so social occasions are hard going for him. Several disabled people attended and it struck me how non conformist we have become as a family. This I have decided is not a bad thing. Partridge didnât eat all the sandwiches or stuff his pockets with them as he once would. He has come on hasnât he? Anyway. This has been partridge first experience of funeral and he coped Things that helped were 1) being frank about what physically occurs at death. 2) explaining thatâs when the spiritual part of life comes to mind most 3) that thanksgiving service is the same as funeral service which is basically people talking and sharing together with some songs grandma chose. 4) there will be tears and release - but it is ok if you do cry or if you donât 5) thereâs free food afterwards, but if you feel wobbly hereâs a tube of polos Did your adoptees attend family funerals? Anything you found helpful?
Milly
February 9, 2019 08:03
Glad it went well and he was able to take part. Mine both went to their grandmother's funeral just over a year ago - they coped very well to be honest. We had quite a small gathering afterwards - not that different from a normal family event, though they didn't know everyone. They saw her not long before she died - not pleasant as she was unconcious by then - but I think it helped them come to terms with her death.
Edited 17/02/2021
chocoholic
February 9, 2019 12:03
Sorry for your loss Pear Tree, but glad Partridge coped well. I am taking Twirl with me to a funeral next week, a friend's husband, someone not hugely close to her, but someone she has fond memories of. She insists she wants to go, so we will go together, along with my mum. I am not entirely sure how it's going to work, how she's going to respond, especially with my mum in tow (and her expectations of how to behave at funerals), also because our friend was the same age as DH and I so it's a bit close to home. But the tube of polos was a welcome tip. Sometimes I forget how soothing / distracting she finds things like that. Polos will definitely be part of my contingency planning!
Edited 17/02/2021
Pear Tree
February 9, 2019 13:11
I think ideally a funeral like you are attending with twirl is a good âpracticeâ For the major funerals with sharp emotional content. My mother can be ferocious and jumpy especially under emotional pressure. I was worried about partridges behaviour esp the over exuberance and silliness. He did do bravado. My mother has really told me off for giggling at a funeral before. So you can see why I was concerned. She was actually caught up in her grief on the day. Partridge came and she appreciated his coming. I had warned her he might not and might not stay. They do know he struggles but conduct in funerals is a 3 line whip of not trying to frog leap over the chair etc. Stuff partridge does. The polos were good. Plus itâs something he could ask if anyone wanted one.
Edited 17/02/2021
safia
February 9, 2019 14:19
Funerals are so difficult and everybody has their own way of dealing with it. My AD attended the funeral of a very good friend from school the year after they left - she had a progressive debilitating motor disease and we had only managed to see her a couple of times over the year - and each time the changes in her were very dramatic. She was 18 but I think was able to deal with it all in a very mature way - lots of her friends were there with their parents and some had come with staff from school. We attended the service and the burial but then went home - that was enough really. Sorry for your loss Pear Tree - she sounds a great lady - it sounds as it Partridge has coped really well too
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123
February 9, 2019 16:55
We had my fathers funeral last June and both boys went. They were fine, I didn't expect otherwise, but both reacted badly to his death and had a hard time adjusting in the coming days. Eldest was very visibly upset but younger one showed it in his behaviour over the coming week, till he finally said how upset he felt. There was a Eulogy at the funeral which I wrote and my sister approved, and which we got the person taking the service to read for us. It included about how proud grandad had been of all four of his grandchildren ( my two, and my sisters twin boys) so that helped emphasis to them how much part of our wider family are. They are both glad they went, even younger one who had been unsure at first, until told by eldest that he ought to be there (!) Dh and I are both glad they were there, for our sake. Not sure what we would have done if they had been much younger, though I think we would have taken them if it had been at all possible, but not if we thought there would be my bad behaviour as we couldn't have coped with that. Might have provided plenty things to keep them occupied and a no nonsense friend that they might behave with to supervise and take them outside if necessary !!
Edited 17/02/2021
Cat Lady
February 10, 2019 14:50
Pear Tree I am so sorry about your recent loss. A sad and difficult time for you, and on top of this, wondering how things would be for your son. It does sound as if he coped remarkably well, which is to his, and your credit. You asked if any of us have adoptees who have attended funerals and I do have a small observation to offer, as an adoptee myself. Of course the circumstances were very different, being a relinquished baby back in the 1950s. The first family funeral I attended was my granddad's, when I was 12. We were a big, close family, lots of aunts, uncles and cousins so I was used to family get-togethers. But the funeral was different. I was very aware, not only of the sadness and solemnity, but of feeling somehow 'different'. I remember looking round at everyone, the strong resemblances to each other.. and then there was me. Looking back, I think the importance of the occasion brought out that sense of 'family' and how much I loved them and wanted to be part of everything. Yet, how different I was. I was always treated the same as all the other grandchildren, just as loved, so no reason to doubt anything. But the funeral was significant to me, in a much more meaningful way than a family party or a wedding, when we were all being jolly. It felt a bit like a tipping point, in a way I haven't quite yet made sense of, even 50+ years later! Sorry to have rambled. But I suppose it highlights what huge sensitivity there is around family occasions for adopted children. Well done to your son for attending and for coping!
Edited 17/02/2021
Archived
This topic is archived. New posts are not allowed.
