Edited 17/02/2021
Age gap question
oatybix
January 1, 2011 15:56
Hello and happy new year.DH and I have been researching and considering adoption for around 18 months. We decided around a year ago that we want to adopt but we left it a year to start the ball officially rolling so that our DS2 would be nearly 6. DS1 is nearly 7.The VA we are probably going to go with (if they take us on of course) told me in a recent phone call that although all the leaflets etc say a minimum two year age gap between BC and AC, they prefer to work with a 4 year gap.This will obviously put us in the 0-3 ball park, assuming DS2 will be 7 by the time we were approved (at the very least from what I''ve read about timescales!) whereas I initially assumed they would prefer us to consider an older child i.e. 4 or 5Obviously they said it partly depends on how grown up they view my DS and the emotional age of the AC etc but I was wondering if anyone else has gone with an agency working off a 4 year rather than 2 year gap?I can see the reasons why but I haven''t come across it anywhere else. Any advice/experience would be greatly appreciated.
razzledazzle
January 1, 2011 20:50
Hi there and happy new year to you tooOur LA used to work on the rule that your youngest bc had to be 7yrs as they liked there to be at least a 3yr gap. They only like to look at taking on people who will consider 0-4yrs rather than a smaller/younger range. They have now just changed the age of bc to 8yrs as they are finding that outcomes are generally better the bigger the gap. We have recentley adopted a little girl, there is 3 yrs between her and my youngest bc. If I am totally honest, perhaps a gap of another year or two would have benefitted both girls more. We had fostered lots of children before (not ad)and bc had coped really well. The dynamics really change when it is forever and we are 'mummy and daddy'.Although really frustrating I do understand why LA have these thoughts. I will also add that I am friends with a couple that have less than 2 yrs between bc and ac and it has worked very well for them.Good luck
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Milly
January 1, 2011 21:17
I don't have bc but would just like to say that you shouldn't underestimate the huge degree of insecurity that could well be felt by the adopted child. I can well see why an agency might feel that a bigger gap is better, so that they are well and truly the youngest, and can be treated as such by all the family, including siblings.I've adopted twice and my children are over four years apart in age. We're over three years into the second one now but that insecurity of the youngest child still shows at times and she definitely acts like a younger child at times to get the attention she craves. The rivalry between them has been our biggest problem, although they do in fact get on quite well left to themselves - I believe we are lucky that they do, as things could be a lot worse.I think it could also help when it comes to comparing siblings - if the adopted child achieves less well at school, for example, this is less obvious where the gap is greater. (And adopted children can do less well at many aspects of life - sports, friendships, behaviour etc)
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oatybix
January 1, 2011 22:03
Thanks for your replies. I agree with you both and the VA that the bigger age gap makes sense and that it would be better for the whole family, I was just surprised that I hadn't heard about it more often! We are having a face to face chat with the VA during Jan so if they suggest waiting until DS2 is a bit older then we can do that. I'm really keen to get started but I want it to be right! I guess it will be very important that he feels like the big brother and that the AC feels like the "much" youngest, for both their sakes.My eldest child has "complex needs" (I hate that phrase but that's how SS catagorise it) so I'm used to dealing with a huge difference in achievements (in all areas) between my children (but also at recognising small steps as huge achievements) and I agree with you again that a larger age gap would minimise the issues which surround it. Their gap is 12 months but of course I didn't know DS would be the way he is when he was born!Thank you both for the feedback and for sharing your experience with me. This site is so helpful.
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natalieloben
January 8, 2011 22:31
Hi,Just to add a slightly different angle for you, my DS (not adopted) has just turned 4 and we have been approved to adopt a child 2 years or younger. We started the process when he was just 2 years old because we decided some years ago that we would adopt if we decided we wanted to expand our family beyond one child. The rule at our LA when we started was that the AC should be at least 18 months, preferably 2 years younger than our DS, but this rule changed midway through our process to state that he should be at least 4 before we adopted. As a result, we took our time and are now hoping we don't have too long to wait before we get a match, although given your messages above, it sounds like that it could be a while longer yet!As I have come to understand it, it is really a pretty unique decision based on each family and what is best for them. Whatever the case, I wish you all the luck in the world.Oh, and sorry if I've done anything wrong, this is my first post on here!
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Midge
January 9, 2011 00:06
Hi Natalie and welcome,Yes, usually the agencies will say a minimum 2 year age gap between BC and AC cos its a fairly common natural gaps in families nowadays.I think the perceived wisdom among adopters who have adopted with birth children is that two years can be too small a gap, and too challenging for the birth child. I and a few others would advocate a minimum 4 year age gap so that the BC doesnt feel too challenged by the newcomer. AC often come with a heap of baggage and can be quite hard for a BC to take on their quirks and issues, so if they are well spaced in age it gives the BC a bit more breathing space between their age and stage of development and the BC is less likely to feel overwhelmed by the AC and less likely to resent their presence.If you look further down this board you will see a few threads on this subject.Good luck,Midge
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chocchipswirl
January 9, 2011 13:37
I have a step son of 11 and a bd aged 5,(she'll be 6 in a few months) and we were approved for one child age 0-3 in June of this year. We have now been linked to a little boy who has just turned 1, and we go to matching panel at the end of Feb! I think it depends on the agency you are with, whether it's LA or VA, and what kind of children are available. It took about 8mths for us to go through home study and approval and another 6mths to be matched, and although this was not slow, it does show that your youngest will be at least a year older before you have a child placed with you, and considerations will be made for what best fits your family. Rest assured you won't be matched with a child unless everyone involved feels like it's the right one. Good luck Oh, and welcome natalieloben x
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Shes like the wind
January 9, 2011 15:12
bearing also in mind some people take a year or so to get approved then time to find child so your child could be 9 by then.so 4 year old would be fine...
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blodwen
January 10, 2011 21:01
Hi my BC were 10 8 and 6 when we started the process and were 12 10 and 8 when Blessing arrived at 14 months old.The gap has worked really well. She loves her big brothers and sister and there is no jealousy at all. They all take part in caring for her they are now 14 12 9 and Blessing is just over 2 1/2.It can be interesting at times having teens and tots in the same house (!) but with juggling and some supportive friends everyone gets to what they want to. Blessing also has me to herself all day and the older ones pretty much take themselves to school and back apart from taking to the bus stop as they have to catch the bus from the next village(hubby does mornings I do afternoons)In the evenings Blessing is in bed early and they get the attention then.It's not a complete doddle but the gap seems to work well.
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Alice
January 12, 2011 21:59
Hi, our agency recommended at least a 2 year gap & they were so right. there is a 4 year gap which feels less as our oldest AS can be very attention seeking & very competitive with our youngest BD at times. Having a bigger gap helps us to support him in his insecure attachment & gives our daughter much needed space. At placement he was 3 & she 7 by the way. All the best to you on your journey & just to say that although its not all plain sailing - they love each other dearly & are very loyal to each other.
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mrsblonde
March 30, 2011 15:15
HiOur youngest bs and ad have only 18 months inbetween them but a two year school year.Our daughter has been with us for nearly 7 years now and if i am honest its great they are close in age as we also have another bs an bd who are 22 and 19 but if we had adopted a boy then i think we would have had problems. Some of the problems we had the first few years were easier to sort out because of the difference in sex but if they had both been boys it would have been a nightmare.Just for the record our ss said 2 years fine but when we approached them when our youngest birthson was a baby and enquired about adoption we were told, go away and enjoy your lives for a few years and wait until he was at least 5 yrs which we did and it took a further 2 years before we found her.Good luck x
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moptop
February 27, 2013 17:29
I don't know if you guys are still onhere but I just asked the 'age gap' question as a new post, not having read this one. Interesting words
Edited 17/02/2021
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