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From my experience, holidays will always be trickier, but each holiday will get better than the last....We nearly disrupted during our first holiday and the first summer holiday saw us abort a two week break three days in and ask the SW to take the children back....luckily they refused!However four years on I have learnt and the kids are more settled so we cope. Do book activities/ clubs/ babysitters to give yourself a break and expect difficult behaviour and keep space to deal with it. I also try to keep things simple - a walk to the park or playing out on bikes rather than over stimulating them. We might do one/two bigger trips, but they are always well planned. I think the first year of a child being placed is about you all surviving and after that its about seeing progress...do hang on in there, it will get easier. Bop

our AS has been with us 10 months the first 2 months was honeymoon lovely child then about 7 months of terrible tantrums not listening to anything you say and generally playing up all day. However with strict boundaries and discipline he is getting better. Our AS has never had any discipline in his life before from BM or FC he is getting better and each week we notice him changing so please dont give up it will take time we are gradually moving in the right direction albeit slowly feel free to pm if you like

Those first 6 months I was in a sort of a numb daze I think.Things did improve, mainly because I got more competent at things. Spinning plates of lunches, clothes, teeth cleaning, trying to get to appointments etc and having very unregulated stressed child is tough going.Our feet didn't touch the floor to be honest for the first few months. But here we are 10 yrs on with a now 17 yr old who was excited and did so well this summer.17 seems ages off but it's been small steps with our young man to get him there that have got him better at holidays and us better at helping him.Expectations of holidays being relaxing and happy Had to go.You are going to need support. Have you looked at the family futures website/ catchpoint websites?Keep posting. Pear tree

You've adopted a 5 year old traumatised, grief stricken little boy. His behaviour is telling you that. His behaviour is his language. Things aren't just going to turn out right just like that. He may be just as difficult going back to school. Is it a new school for him? Does he know anyone there? Does anyone know him?My eldest is 11 and he's been here since he was 5 months old. He started at comp today and he was nervous. And he was with children he's known since he was a baby and in a school he's very familiar with.What support are you being given? Did nothing you did in training prepare you for the realities of parenting a traumatised child? Frankly I'd say his behaviour was 'normal' for a child suffering so much loss and pain. He's not going to become a compliant easy child just because he's in school. He can't do right now, not wont do. There's a huge difference and parenting needs to be geared towards that thinking. If all your sw is saying is he will get better once in school then she may well be mistaken. School can be a huge trigger for off the wall behaviour and you and school may need help and support with thisOne of mine still struggled with school 7 plus years in and it only got better once he started in an EBD school. One way or another you need to have another conversation with your Sw.If you're struggling to cope then they need to know that.

Well said donatella!He has lost everything he knows and he is letting you know how he feels through his behaviour. You needs to do lots of therapeutic parenting, understand that he is grieving, he has suffered many losses in his life. He has suffered trauma.Also as donatella says don't expect everything to change once he is in school, it won't. In fact school may also be a huge trigger for him and he may need a lot of support with his behaviour there as well.I am not surprised that you are seeing this behaviour, it really is very early days. Things will get better but slowly with the right kind of parenting.Your sw should be helping you and your relationship with him and show you a way through by helping him, things won't get better just because he goes to school and I am surprised that she said that. If he was ok in school before the holidays then the honeymoon period may now be over.If you are really struggling, make sure you get lots of guidance and support from sw and if you haven't done so already read lots of relevant books to help you.

Hi PoppinSorry things have been so difficult. We've been there many times. School holidays are difficult and my dd always struggles and her behaviour is challenging, however going back to school isn't a 'cure'. My dd also struggles with lots of anxiety, escalated by being at school and that brings a whole different set of issues.You do need to lower your expectations of your son, and like some others have said, realise that he is probably still totally traumatised by his move to you. Children express that in different ways, and your little one is really giving you a clear message. He's possibly very scared and anxious and his behaviour is the only way he knows of expressing that. When my dd is like that we need to totally focus on lowering her stress levels. When we succeed with that, then her behaviour automatically improves.Do push for support, read lots about therapeutic parenting.... It's such a different way of being a parent and to be honest nothing prepares adopters (in my opinion).Does it get better - YES (for us anyhow). Hang in there.Ceci

Hi Poppin,I have sent u a private message xx

Sorry to be the voice of doom on here, Poppin, but no, three years on, things have not greatly improved with the Paperdolls, now 11 and 8.In some ways I guess they have, because they were like wild animals in the first few weeks, and the oldest in particular was pulling curtains down, smashing mirrors etc, as well as being extremely aggressive. Now the abuse is verbal rather than physical, and she will threaten aggression rather than actually do it. Youngest will have toddler-type tantrums when overtired or not getting her own way, but has also started to get quite cheeky as well. And both need watching constantly. If I take my eyes off them for literally half a minute, they're up to something.This has probably been the worst school holiday we've had, and our two seperate weeks by the seaside were very difficult.Being in the routine of school helps, but it takes oldest the whole autumn term to settle in to a new class, so wondering how longer it will take her to settle into a new school this time.I knew they had problems but I must admit, I thought that after six months with me they'd be fine. The reality is that being their mom is absolutely draining, and I haven't got anywhere near the energy, patience, and resilience I had three years ago.Sorry, I don't mean to depress you, but it's a huge adjustment of expectations. I long ago gave up dreams of my two going to uni, getting good jobs and forming stable relationships. If they can manage to hold down any sort of job at all, and don't end up pregnant at 13 or 14, I'll be chuffed.One piece of advice, if you haven't already got a referral to CAHMS, ask your social worker or GP how you go about it.Good luck,Papergirl xxx

It's hard to judge. My personal experience is that things never got better - we disrupted two weeks ago. I kept hoping that things would improve after something happening (eg 'once he starts back at school it will be better') - but it never was. Two years down the line I was exhausted and physically ill.It might be different for you - my child was older (aged 8 at placement)and had a very traumatic background and special needs as well. You need to make your social worker aware that you are really struggling. Maybe ask for a crisis meeting. It doesn't sound as if your cry for help was taken seriously. I was promised support but it never materialised - you need to really push for it while you still have the energy.Sorry to sound so gloomy - things do work out for some people.

I think if the behaviours that you are seeing are a complete surprise to you, then you are entitled to feel aggrieved. I would hope that prep classes should be telling prospective adopters what they are likely to face with tha their new children.In our case, we 'knew' what to expect, but knowing theoretically was very, very different to the reality of living with traumatised children.You ask when will he change. I think, for me, was appreciating that I am in a much better place to be able to chnage my behaviours/ reactions than a traumatised 4 yr old with a bunch of other stuff. I have changed massively, and my children are still difficult. and I don't get it right all the time, and I get impatient and think why don't you just do as I ask first time.I think you need to ask yourself what you want. There was a thread a couple of weeks ago on the single adopters board and there were some fab responses as to why people kept going even when the first 6 months were very challenging.

I Hope You have had some better days over the last few days. I think You have had some good advice and responses. I wonder how supportive your SW and prep course has been? My son was nearly six when placed, We have had three summer holidays, and for us it has got so much easier. I was lucky to have a fab SW who gave fab advice. My son struggles with transitions and unstructured time, he also couldn't play himself. Does that sound familiar? It's exhausting! What helped me was reading Dan Hughes, i think he is great for older children Whom We don't know well, I learned so much from his his work. I also found Parenting the Child Who Hurts book. I know its time consuming reading the books, but for me it was worth it, as it really paid off. Are You managing to have fun with your child? This really helps, difficult if You are feeling stressed, but again it pays off. It releases good chemicals in your brain, and your childs. Pick What works for You both, swimming, cinema, energetic parks, craft time worked for us. Whats your support network? I'm a single Adopter and quickly realised that DS and I needed some time apart, this was to recharge my batteries. Last summer I booked him into the childminder one day a week, I needed that! DS can't manage busy clubs or being babysat, but he enjoyed the childminder, so it was worth every penny. Have You joined AUK? Could You attend any meet ups, training days? Would a friend or family member mind your son for a few hours a week? I've learned to be proactive in getting me time, its so vital. Another thing I'd suggest is plan for the next holiday. Plan how to manage your childs distress. Will You be able to arrange some things and perhaps some respite? I'd start planning it now!When he returns to school my son used to want to spend all our time at home, my SW explained this was his safe base in a scary world, school is stressful for him. So, i worked around that, or i would have went stir crazy with boredom. I Hope my message doesn't come across as offensive, it does sound like You are getting expected behaviours, and should have been told to anticipate them, and strategies to manage them, and support your child through this terrifying time for him. If your SW continues to be ineffective then raise it, but be proactive about building a network and strategies that can help You. My son is home two years, this summer he managed fantastically, i didn't need the day off that i needed last year. That is because he is not as stressed and anxious, We had a lovely summer together. He still can't do busy clubs etc. But can still have great holidays. I wish You all the best.