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CocoPop September 6, 2013 21:17

Hi No idea where to post this question so here goes: I want to pick your brains about returning to work. I had planned to take the whole year and as we could be taking on no. 2 in March next year (different story) I could end up being off work for the best part of two years! Now I would love to be a Stay at home mum for 2 years and possibly forever!! But I know finances will mean I have to return to work eventually so here is my quandary: I have just found out that the girl who used to do my job is bored of her new job and wants to come back. My boss has promised me that its only until I come back but I'm worried!!! If I'm off for the whole 2 years then I know she will have taken over and I'll be demoted into a job I will detest!!!! She is starting in October and my ordinary adoption leave is up at Christmas. If I go back at Christmas then my job is protected and she is out the door. I obviously will have to go off again in March but she'll hopefully be long gone by then! My main concern is my little monkey! Things are going pretty well but will he be ready for full time nursery by Christmas? He's been with us for 10 weeks now. My heart says sod the job my son is more important but my head is saying can I do a job I detest for 20 years while I watch someone else doing the job I love! Help please.

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Donatella September 6, 2013 22:09

Honestly? You need to listen to your heart. It will be too soon to leave your child in full time child care. And secondly not going back to a particular job doesn't consign you to a rubbish job for 20 years. You may find anyway that a full time job with two children is impossible. Only you can decide what's more important? Job satisfaction or your child/ren's security, attachment, feelings.

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flowerpower September 6, 2013 22:27

I think you have to go back to work for 3 months to qualify for another adoption/maternity leave that is how it is in the NHS anyway, you need to do what is right for you and your family, you will find the right job when it is the right time.

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About you now September 7, 2013 00:32

Oh I so want to pm you! Too much to say now (should be in bed!) but will reply tomorrow. xxxx

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flowerpower September 7, 2013 14:10

can we still PM each other ?

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CocoPop September 7, 2013 14:22

Thanks for the replies. I don't know if we can pm each other anymore but you can email me on ---- EMAIL REDACTED ----

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Flosskirk September 7, 2013 15:04

I wanted to query the full time nursery thing - is there any way you could use a childminder instead? We have lost all the threads on the old boards about this, but there were plenty - if you are going back to work, I would definitely consider a childminder rather than a nursery. And re your other question, it does sound like you could do with keeping the other worker out - so I would consider getting a childminder and going back asap myself. For me, waiting and then using a nursery would be the worst possible outcome.

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CocoPop September 7, 2013 15:12

Thanks flosskirk. I hadn't thought of a childminder. Why would that be better than a nursery? I was thinking of a private nursery school that has great reviews. Wouldn't a nursery be better for mixing with other similar aged children? Thanks

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Flosskirk September 7, 2013 18:05

Hi Cocopop With a childminder you get more continuity of 1-1 care, which is often which our little ones need. I know it's not with you, which puts some people off, but it's still teaching them about security with a small number of very important people. It's all home based and likely to be quite low in terms of demand. In a nursery you do get the benefit of there being rules and procedures but there will be a lot going on and not every child can cope with this. There could be a lot of different staff and lots of routines and expectations. Some children thrive at a nursery, but children from a trauma background might find a nursery too much for so many different reasons. It's a shame we've lost all the threads about this as there have been quite a few.

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CocoPop September 7, 2013 18:30

Thanks flosskirk you're right the 1-1 aspect does put me off but its purely from a jealous point of view that someone else will be doing my job. I can see that it would possibly be the best thing for monkey. Mmmm lots to think about. Thank you

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Serrakunda September 7, 2013 20:31

But life has moved on now hasnt it - you are a mum, its not just about your career. I have given up a job I loved, I'm not that enamoured anbout where I work but it provides the best framework - hours, pay, holidays etc - that mean I can focus on Simba. You can't worry about what another person may or may not do, how do you know you will be demoted into a job you detest, there are too many unknowns, how do you know you will feel the same about it in two years anyway. I would do what is best for your son, If you think he can cope with childcare of whatever descripion fine, if not - a jobs a job, they come and go, you are only going to get this time with your child once

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Serrakunda September 7, 2013 20:31

But life has moved on now hasnt it - you are a mum, its not just about your career. I have given up a job I loved, I'm not that enamoured anbout where I work but it provides the best framework - hours, pay, holidays etc - that mean I can focus on Simba. You can't worry about what another person may or may not do, how do you know you will be demoted into a job you detest, there are too many unknowns, how do you know you will feel the same about it in two years anyway. I would do what is best for your son, If you think he can cope with childcare of whatever descripion fine, if not - a jobs a job, they come and go, you are only going to get this time with your child once

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Sockthing September 7, 2013 21:06

It may depend on the nursery. A small nursery that's very child centred may be ok? We have started Kipper recently at nursery. Its similar to Montessori and it places the family relationship high in its priorities. They have a high staff to child ratio, and they have been excellent in trying to understand attachment issues and have facilitated a very slow settling in. Kipper has had one to one support while he settles, though admittedly this won't be maintained once he is truly bedded in. Having said that I do think if you've only had lo ten weeks then it is much too early in placement to really know how his attachment is going to pan out and what if any issues might emerge. If you are planning to stop work next year to adopt the other lo then I don't see the point in rocking the boat with little one now, before you really have got to know each other, and then his world will be unsettled all over again when a sibling appears? Maybe you'd be better off staying at home and working really hard to make his attachment as secure as you can before sibling arrives and demands your attention! To be honest, in 2 years time, with 2 adopted children to think about you may feel totally differently about work. It probably all seems very real now as you've not long been gone?

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CocoPop September 7, 2013 21:06

Thanks Serrakunda, you are right. I'm sweating the small stuff aren't I?! Not looking at the big picture. I've been researching what adoption pay I'd be entitled to for no.2 if I don't go back. I've worked out that I'd be entitled to SAP again but would the first six weeks be 90% of my full time wage or 90% of the SAP that I am earning at the moment...assuming that the second leave starts while I'm still earning SAP.

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Sockthing September 7, 2013 21:20

Oops crossed with your post

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CocoPop September 7, 2013 21:58

Thanks sockthing, great advice!

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About you now September 12, 2013 23:00

Hi Cocopop! Sorry I didn't reply as I said I would - had lots to say but think Serrakunda has said it perfectly. And like you said, don't sweat the small stuff - your child/children to be! - are your priorities and building and cementing their attachment to you is number one. xxxx PS Good luck re no. 2!

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CocoPop September 14, 2013 14:06

Thanks guys, It seems my hands are tied though. I've done research into what SAP I'd be entitled to for no.2 if I don't go back and unfortunately it is very little and may be none at all unless I go back to work for the 8 weeks before MP...now as I have to give 8 weeks notice of my return I will have to know 16 weeks in advance when MP will be or make an educated guess! We're going to see if my DH can take parental leave from work but he won't be able to get more than 4 weeks so my monkey will have to go to a nursery for at least 4 weeks. Has anyone got any other ideas? We really need the second lot of pay as our savings are already dwindling! Thanks x

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Serrakunda September 14, 2013 19:08

Is the second child a sibling? I'd explain the situation to the SWs and ask about an allowance. Get your SW to support you

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CocoPop September 14, 2013 19:18

Yes it is a sibling, not been born yet so I'm jumping the gun a bit but I like to be prepared! I'll talk to the placing LA about it during they're next visit.

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