Archived Forums

I did it three times a year as agreed. I made the commitment so I stuck to it. I thought if nothing else, it would paint me in a good light with birth family and my children, if anyone ever tried to put me down for my parenting. So, we got a few letters from BM but they dried up when the girls were about 13. But the half sisters wrote back. Tbh my two weren't very interested in the letters from the half siblings but I think they liked knowing they cared. Bm....well it showed them how unable she was to contribute to their lives. My elder daughter has explored this in as funded therapy - she is very sad about the lack of a response. We have now met with the half siblings so don't do letter box letters anymore. Anyway the la won't do it after agd 21 and my elder daughter is now in that category. My younger daughter doesn't want me to write so I haven't written for about 2 years and bm hasn't complained.

We get pleasantries written by the SW on BMs behalf, we usually write first as the LA seems to take forever to pass her letters on. My children didn’t want to have anything to do with it, so I don’t tell them I’m writing anymore. Frankly I don’t know why I do it. Perhaps I won’t.

I wrote every year for a long time for eldest. We always got letters from a grand parent - in fact they usually wrote first which then prompted me to respond. We later agreed to birthday and Christmas cards. Dd was never interested but did notice if cards were late as she got older. I didn't tell her about the letters when younger but even when I did, she didn't want to read them and still hasn't. As a somewhat troubled teen she received a letter from BM which threw us first (we didn't tell her about it until she'd had life story work and was in a more stable state of mind) but ultimately gave dd the reassurance she craved that bm cared. Since turning 18 she's had direct contact with bm and it hasn't been destabilising in any way as yet. In fact I'd say it's made her more appreciative of us and she now wants to spends more time with us. (She lives with us but tends to spend a lot of time in her room, which is pretty normal for her age I imagine.) For youngest (different birth family) we've never had a reply. I must say I find it harder to keep going without a response and have missed years but will keep it up so as to have treated both girls in a similar way. Younger dd has far less interest- her main gripe is lack of information though that could just be as her sister has a lot more. She doesn't even know what bm looks like and all efforts to get a photo have failed so far. She doesn't have the same rose-tinted view of her bm that dd1 has. I must say I think it probably helps her that there is nothing much to know about. I always knew dd1 would reunite with her bm but I have no idea what dd2 will do.

We have had very positive letterbox contact for the first few years. We could ask questions and got photos and answers. It was helpful for my children and gave me an idea of who their birth family is. For the past years sadly they have not written back. My children are very disappointed by that (understandably).

Apart from the latest so far, we have had replies to letterbox each year. The news tends to be mostly about older children who now have their own children. When we felt he was old enough we showed him our letter and the reply but he was not particularly interested. For us it is helpful to be able to tell him as much as we know. It also seems to have helped BP has come to terms with the situation, as when we asked a question DS had asked via SS, we had a reply and offer to answer any more questions. This was an adoption that was contested. For us it makes it less likely there will be problems regarding later contact, as well as the letters that could be viewed at a later date.

We agreed a few times a year also and bm has also kept up the agreement so it’s went ok for us, although now ds is a teenager he really doesn’t even mention bm at any time. He does in general but I really don’t know how he would feel if we stopped writing, if it would bother him Or not. He said he wants to know how she is but never mentions letters. It’s aleaus me who said it’s time to write our letter and me who writes it. Sw said to try and get him to write but it’ll never happen. He just doesn’t want to

I think if letterbox aren’t contacting you either just wait till you hear from them. If you need to know anything for any reason (eg medical information) you can always contact them then. Maybe they are waiting to hear from her themselves as it’s costly too for them to maintain and if it’s not being used maybe something they’ve decided to leave. You can always tell your son you are still waiting for a reply and again if he’s keen to pursue it contact them at that point.

I have done it every year since DD has been home, Never received any from birth family or siblings.. DD has stopped asking about it. I may stop, it causes more hurt for her.

Does the letterbox still work with social media giving children direct access to the birth family? Just wondering as I've heard stories of kids contacting their birth families before the time was right and the adopters were unaware at first.

When we adopted, we stipulated in our agreement that if photos were given to the BPs and they ended up on social media, then we would stop letterbox. They never did, but our kids asked us to stop letterbox after two years anyway (they were older adoptees). x You can also ask for photos not to be given to BPs, just to be shown. xx