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Our daughter was like this, she's now 7 and was 6 when she came to us.I'm not sure if it was her not knowing how to play? I think it was probably more that she needed (and still does at times) me to be with her 100% of the time to make her feel safe and lower her anxiety level.Although I think I understood what was causing the behaviour it was not practical to live with, so we sat around the table as a family and did dd a To Do list. Everyone shouted out activities and ideas (they had to be things she could do alone) and we made the list all pretty and colourful and then put it up. Whenever she came to me and I wasn't able to play with / be with her I directed her towards the list. Sometimes I needed to choose something off the list for her. It didn't always work, depending on her levels of anxieties, but most times it would give me a 20 - 30 minute breathing space.We had to re-think bedtime as dd would try and keep me hostage in her room as she didn't want me to leave. It was getting sillier and sillier and culminated in her biting me one night as I insisted she let me out of her bedroom. Again I'll re-state that I know why she behaves like this, but on a practical level us adults have to have some time to call our own. So we decided that she would go and get ready for bed and then come downstairs to say goodnight just before she's ready to settle to sleep. We've only been doing this for a couple of weeks and so far it's working well.

My experience of having two boys followed by a daughter is that it is more of a girl thing. Not generalising but just my experience.My daugher will actually strip and get in the shower with me or insist on coming in the toilet with me and handing me the loo roll.To be honest I now make full use of her talents and hand her a duster and let her get on with it. I spray, she polishes. That way I can at least get some things done.Thankfull though she's good at going to bed. A story, a hug and a kiss and she'll stay in bed so that's usually when I get the ironing and other stuff done.You have my sympathy.

Hi RexelThanks for this. I agree that in our case too our AD does need to be with me and I'm more than happy to make sure she gets all she needs. I think it is just the practicalities of both of them needing so much that can be challenging (and exhausting)! I like your idea of a To Do list although my daughter is younger than yours but maybe I could come up with something similar.Thanks

Hi DonatellaYes I can relate to the loo roll thing! My DD loves to clean - I've even bought her a mini cleaning set (brushes etc) for christmas!! These are exactly the sort of ideas I need!!Thanks

HiyaI treated this like a bunch of keys....My son was like this a fair while and it did exhaust me some days.....The 1st key is to get down to their games (blocks for the 20 month perhaps) with them and then once they are absorbed in it you can sit back and watch and enjoy your cuppa then for say 10 minutes?The 2nd key is to make sure you chill out and take those 10 minutes BEFORE you actually need them so you are not grumpy/tired - making them grumpy.The 3rd is TV is fine so long as it isn't used as a baby sitter and for long periods. Half an hour again isn't bad in the daytime, (a cuppa and a cuddle together?) switch it off after that and rotate the toys.4th key? Structure, break up the day perhaps a trip to the shops for a paper and milk/treats? in the morning, back for some warm food (shiver in this weather) toast and a cuppa/milk, toddler groups in the afternoon or just playing indoors.I think we feel concern that they dont play alone well and we worry that they wont ever and perhaps a little guilty that we don't play with them when we think they may need it.My son came to me as a baby and as much as I socialised him and played he still became quite clingy and sometimes wanted me to play with him solidly for hours even at 4, sometimes now at 6. Every child is different and some use this to be close to us.Hope this kind of helpsx

i'm only about a month into placement but one of the most diffucult things has been DS wouldn't leave me alone - it drove me insane (OMG first time I've called him DS!)!. I understand reasons why but as peopel say on a practical level I cant have an active 5 yr old stood next to me at the cooker when i have hobs ablaze etc!. This was the only time that i wanted him to play alone so when i made the tea but he struggled, even when i said he coudl bring toys in to within view of me. Whenever I wasnt cooking i had to be on the floor with him. One night however i ended up sat on sofa and he was on floor and i began reading a school magazine, ony he continued playing so i continued reading, only for a short period but the first time he hadnt constantly wanted me to play. We've built on that and i spent more time on the sofa "reading" whilst he played right in front of me - for us that worked.Tonight for the first tiem he played on his own in the sitting room for 30min whilst i was in the kitchen making tea - he popped in a few times to ask questions but allowed me my space to "do all of the jobs mams need to do" - I was gobsmacked and he played lovely as I could hear him. Admitadly he's been on a final warning most of the night due to his behaviour afterwards but it was fab - just so lovely as you say to have time alone. I also take him out lots just to "kill time" - we went to buy the dogs xmas pressie after school tonight as liek you say it can sometimes be easier and i dont think theres any harm in that at all. I've told the social orker i dont feel able to have a whoel day with hi in the hosue yet and she agreed saying he probaby needed the break also.Dont be to hard on yourself - everbody finds ways of making a situation work for them and you wil soon find your way - i also find that by allowing DS to "help" with jobs i.e. loading washer it makes life easier and also frees me up for 2 mn after rather than deal with a stropping boy saying "i wante dto do it!"good luck hunL.x

My elder DD (4) was just like this for months after her placement and still is sometimes but it has got loads better). Think you have had some good advice. Nothing really to add but good luck.x

Ceci - you clearly arent alone. Our eldest AS was very bad at entertaining himself, or indeed leaving my side for one minute when he was first placed at 14 months. Understandable, but very frustrating. At 6.5 he has got better over the years, particularly since the arrival of his younger brother at 17 months. I found that a real structure to my day with regular trips out of the house made a big difference. Like some of you other replies I also got him involved in the daily chores and used the TV in short burts.There are still times, (particularly wet days) when it drives myself and DH potty though, so you have my upmost symapthy!Sally

I know that feeling.BigImp (nearly 7) will play on his own if there is any danger that he might be asked to help.I'm actually pleased that LittleImp (3) is now less able to play alone and wants some attention (it's a sign that he finds relationships less frighteninga nd more rewarding.) Anyway, during the week I structure the day so that I do a lot of chores first thing when he can play alone, then we go out, then after lunch I play more with him, till it's time to get BigImp from school. I always try to take an interest in what he's doing. If I need a break, we put the TV on for 30-45mins and I can cleann the bathroom, web surf, read, make phone calls, nap... I also try to involve him in the chores.At weekends it's harder because the boys cannot often play well together and they take more supervision.As to you situation, does your little girl nap? Will your older girl, rest/watch TV/ listen to story tapes athe same time? Also, how does it work on the days that you are not there? Are there more adults who are able to give her more 1 on 1, an dleave the chores for another day? Can you jointly come up with ideas for helping her to be more independent?

Thanks everyone for replying. It's great to know I'm not alone. I suppose the only thing I'm noticing with your replies is that the clingy behaviour with many of you is often soon after placement while our AD has been with us over two years. It's always been quite intense but I suppose I feel it's getting a bit worse and at the same time I feel she's a wee bit more insecure at the minute so need to work out what that's about - maybe it's just the upset routine everywhere because of Christmas. Lots to try. Thanks again.

CeciMy daughter has been here for 2 years as well. She's 3 now. And I do think that part of her clinginess is down to having to compete for my attention. Once she's got me, she's not letting go.I wonder whether now that your little one is 20 months old, is more mobile, more 'in your face' than when she was baby it's possibly harder to ignore her? When they're 20 months old you have to watch them like a hawk and maybe your daughter feels a little resentful that she's not getting as much of mummy's attention as she'd like. It's really hard trying to balance everyone's needs. My daughter has my time when she comes home from nursery until we pick the boys up. My eldest has me once the two little ones have gone to bed. Middly has me on a Wednesday morning as he stays home from school then. Me .... I try to lock myself in the bathroom on a Friday night with a glass of wine and a hot bath. Yes, they all hammer at the door to come in and, even though we have 3 toilets, they all want to use this particular one. But this is my time and I just ignore it and chill.

Our son is 10 and we've had him for over 4 years and we still can't spend more than 2 minutes separated. He is incredibly attention seeking, even to doing something dangerous just to get me to eg hand up phone. I can't even go to the toilet alone - he has to sit outside the door with a toy and wait for me.We have dedicated 'mummy' time every day when I get down on his level and play a game. We also watch some tv cuddled up under the sofa in the evenings.Sometimes I say mummy needs to do X or Y, what are you going to do? Sometimes he will bring some colouring into the kitchen while I cook. Sometimes I give him a spoon, a bowl and he 'pretends' to cook at same time. Last night I got him to wash up a few plastic containers.It isn't easy and tbh its the one thing I miss - any time on my own. Every evening is running around gettings things ready for school, or housework, ironing etc then its bed.I don't think things will ever improve (we don't get respite so are unable to go out as a couple) but hey ho its only a few years until he's an adult!

DD came to us as a baby and clung to me like a little limpet, for several years, but as she has got older that has become less and less over the years to the point that now in her teens I'd love a bit more of that clinginess back - just occasionally ;-) I think she got the clinginess out of her system, but has always preferred interacting to playing alone with toys. I wonder what your AD is like with friends? If anything like mine, playing with a friend is great, she will be practising a whole load of social skills (not just playing together, sharing, but seeing how others play, and how to play without Mum) whilst having fun and she may need you all to herself that bit less, while you obviously keep an eye and maybe have a little play with your little one or just rest up while keeping one eye on what's going on? It might be worth a try - if you pair up with another Mum of a young child, maybe you can meet in one another's homes or go to a soft play, enjoy a bit of adult company while they play, and maybe even get to the point where your little girl sometimes gets invited to her friends for an hour or two while you get your me-time... you can always return the favour

Meant to say, on the subject of playing alone, it really helps mine if I rotrate the toys. All toys are boxed in sets: trains, emergency services, cars, building site, pirates etc. (they are boys ) and there are some odd bits and pieces.I put one box and one puzzle/game out in their bedroom and another box and puzzle downstairs in the playroom. In theory they tidy up each day and I get another set out. This means -- there is no trying to decide what to play with -- but every day is different. And they can tidy up and get something out in the middle of the day if they want.Of course it doiesn't actually work like this as I am far to lazy to do all the tidying and they both get randome things out and muddle them up. And if DH is in charge ...

Hi AllCan anyone possibly put themselves in a young childs position and see how it feels to be them?A friend of mine recently adopted a little boy of 2 1/2 and within weeks she was wondering why he followed her everywhere and would not play with his toys even though the front room was full of them!I think sometimes them being so young or jilted perhaps they must surely feel ....well who am I going to next? Am I going with anyone else or am I staying put? Can I relax now without worrying? How do I relax? Its totally OUR job to make them feel loved and safe and its a hard job too to make them realise we are really not going anywhere.xx